Remembering Sunday
by BabyJane14
Summary: Their children were turning into them, she couldn't let it happen, she couldn't let their children's lives fall apart because of dumb mistakes they'd made. If history was going to repeat it's self she wasn't going to let it go exactly the same way it had.
1. the beginning of goodbye

**Author's Note**: I think i'm going to start to like this story just as much as **Stay Close Don't Go** because it's all mapped out and I know exactly where it's going. This goes out to Lauren because she's a big part of writing it. ok now listen everyone. what i'd like you to do when you leave your review is to tell me what you think, or tather where you think this is heading, what Dan did, why Serena's acting like she is. just give me something detaled. also, as for the last story that I posted, **Bruises and Bathroomstalls**, yes, it was exactly what those of you asked. random sex hookups while they're in relationships with otr people, becuase DS showed in the preview that they can clearly bring the heat. The name of this in full Remembering Sunday is a song by All Time Low, and it's amazing, you should check it out. as for the song used in this you all know i'm betting. Sum41 WIth me

_**I don't want this moment to ever end  
**Where everythings nothing without you  
I'll wait here forever just to, to see you smile  
'Cause it's true, **I am nothing without you**_

Even behind the plexiglass barrier he could tell every inch of her was absolutely perfect, from her tiny little ears to her petite little toes there wasn't an inch of her that was imperfect. He was going on the fourth week of watching her progression from the window when the only thing he actually wanted to do was reach out and touch her. To hold her tiny innocent little frame in his arms a gaze at his creation, at their creation. Never could he have seen this coming, any of this. All he knew was that she'd changed his life. They had both changed his life.

He came ever day, just to stand there and watch the child he so badly wanted to call his own. Even though he did understand everything she was feeling and he fully blamed himself for every issue it still didn't make the pain of not having them any better then it already felt. He just wanted to hold his little girl, to look at her and tell her just how much she meant to him already. He wanted to be her father, he needed to be her father, but, if Serena didn't want him anywhere near their baby he knew that the only way to make it better for Serena alone was to back off. To let her raise the baby she wanted, and the most pain of it all meant without him in her life. In either of their lives.

Dan's eyes stayed glued to the little one in the pink blanket as she was picked up by one of the nurses. It was so good to see her without any of the machines hooked up to her premature body. The past four weeks he'd watched her hooked up to ventilators, heart monitors, and feeding tubes. It was only in the past week that she'd gradually been taken off of such things. He could still see in his mind the beginning of the week when he'd come in to take a peek and he's eyes had fallen upon his girls. His beautiful, gorgeous, perfect Serena looking as angelic as ever as she sat in the rocking chair with their daughter cuddled tightly to her chest as she nursed. The whole image stuck in Dan's mind as he stood there watching. Everything about it was surreal, the image was one that Dan was sure wouldn't ever erase from his head.

_Through it all, I made my mistakes  
I stumble and fall, but I mean these words_

Not seeing the pink blanket any longer he decided it was time to go for the day, besides Serena would be coming soon. As much as he wanted to leave his notes with a nurse he wasn't brave enough to let it all go so soon. As he turned around and began to head back to the elevators a door opened behind him.

"Excuse me, excuse me could you hold up a second?"

The warm voice called out behind him and he felt compelled to respond and turn around even if it was only to be told not to come back. Even if they threatened to have him escorted out if he came again, he was fairly sure that would be one of the next things to come as he did visit the window every day. When he turned the first thing his warm brown eyes collided with was the very soft pink blanket. She was so close to him suddenly, his beautiful daughter just a reach away. There was a side of him who wanted to take her out of the woman's arms and run, so that he'd never have to let her go, so that he'd never have to say goodbye.

_I want you to know  
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul  
I'll hold on to this moment you know, 'as I bleed my heart out to show  
And I won't let go_

"If you ask me I don't think it's very fair to her that daddy to stand at a window."

The young women said as Dan's mesmerized eyes were glued to the squirming of the little blanket, were glued to his daughter. She looked even smaller then she did behind the class, she was so real and so his.

"Come on in with me, I promise I won't tell. Plus it's not going to do her any good if you're stuck behind a glass."

Dan could hear her talking but the words weren't actually being comprehended, his mind was to immersed in his little girl. She was his main and only focus as she wiggled and complained in the nurse's arms. More then anything he wanted to reach out and take her from her.

"I can't… Serena… her mother doesn't want me to."

He said for the first time out loud calling Serena a mother, the mother of their child. It made him want to run to her and beg her to re consider all of her thoughts.

"Honey, being a mother myself I can promise you that mother's don't always know best."

Marilyn said as she once again offered him the new born that was starting to stir and complain even more. Then when suddenly her little lungs let out a hug scream and her little face started to get more and redder as Dan started to panic. As his little princess cried Marilyn led him into the nursery and slipped her little body into his arms. It seemed like it surprised them both when she didn't need to even tell him how to hold her. His natural daddy instincts took over and he cradled her supporting her head. Instantly soon as she was safe in his arms her crying stopped and her little blue green eyes opened up and looked at him.

It was just like when he'd first laid his eyes on Serena herself. His little girl was in his arms. This little piece of both him and Serena, she was so precious and fragile. Her eyes were the shape of Serena's, her nose was most defiantly of the Humphrey genes, her tiny ears were also Humphrey ears, she was so much of the both of them. Making his way over to the reclining chair he couldn't tear his eyes from her as he cradled her in one of his arms his free hand pulling the blanket back just enough to mentally take photos of her tiny body. She was the most tiny and precious thing he'd ever held, on the side of Serena of course. Her little hand wrapped around his finger and just like a typical father he instantly counted her tiny fingers. All ten perfect long little fingers, just like all ten perfect little curled up toes he could see. He was pretty sure that the little hospital bracelet around her ankle would fit right around his thumb and his thumb only. She was his perfect, tiny little princess, his princess.

_Thoughts read unspoken, forever in doubt  
Pieces of memories fall to the ground  
I know what I didn't have so, I won't let this go  
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you_

"Seems like one little girl knows her father pretty well already."

Marilyn commented as she observed the pair as she placed the bottled down beside them on the counter top. Dan just barely glanced up at her, it was to hard for him to take his eyes off of his daughter, she'd captivated him just like her mother.

"Her name's Sa…"

Dan cut her off as the smile on his face seemed almost to illuminate the room as he finished the name for the nurse.

"Sariah, it's Hebrew for princess. Though nether one of us are actually Jewish, it's the meaning of it that Serena loves, because she most defiantly is the little princess, just like her mother. Serena used to say that the same Sariah was perfect because I made her feel like a princess and her wanted to pass that on because she knew that someday we'd…"

Again with his rambling affect the only way he silenced himself was by leaning over and placing a kiss upon her tiny wrinkled forehead. Marilyn smiled at the teenage boy as she could tell that given the chance he'd be the perfect father to the little girl in his arms. Nodding her head to herself she walked away from him, leaving him alone in the corner with his child.

"You look so much like your mommy already, I can tell already that she's going to have her hands full with you just as your grandmother does with her. Your mommy's a pro at breaking hearts. Want to know why, it's because she's beautiful, and she's sexy, and she's just plain the perfect girl. I remember the first time a ever saw her. Her beautiful blonde hair, and that beautiful voice of hers, it was sweet like candy, you'll learn that when she puts you to sleep at night and she tries to sing to you. I know it's not exactly a beautiful sound but give her a little bit of credit ok? She tries."

Dan whispered to her as she continued to just look at him, as though she were actually taking everything he was saying in for thought. That too reminded him of Serena, the way she could just listen to him for hours.

"Beautiful, no matter what I want you to know just how much I really love you. Even if mommy decided that we can't be together. I love you and your mommy more then words could ever express. As you grow up I'm sure mommy will have Nate around you, I just hope that he can protect you. You're my little girl Sari, forever and always and I want, no, I need you to remember that ok? Because mommy has this crazy idea in her head that I don't need you guys. She thinks that I can move on, she wants me to move on. I never told you that your mommy wasn't a little crazy."

Broken and warn out his voice was cracking as silent tears cascaded their way down his face. The thoughts of missing all of her firsts and the rest of her moments were going through his mind and it was killing him. Maybe he was greedy that he wanted more of Serena then what he'd been teased with what they'd had for over a year, but, it wasn't just her that he wanted anymore. The little innocent child in his arms was what he wanted, and he wished Serena would just open her eyes and see it.

_All the streets where I walked alone, with nowhere to go  
I've come to an end_

"And while I can do this, I'm gonna set up a few Daddy rules. Because well, I am daddy, and I can say that now, I just wish you'd always know it. When you're out on your first date you do not kiss like your mommy first kissed me. I think from that moment she and I both should have known to expect you before your grandparents would have wished. I'll tell you right now you're with every second of all of that. Don't trust your mother to teach you how to play pool, because she's really bad at it. Who knows, maybe you'll have my luck when it comes to that. Then you'll be better then her from the start."

Trying his hardest to stop his tears he bit his lip and removed his finger from her little grip making her stir as though she were afraid that he was leaving her already so soon. Propping her up in his arms a little bit better he held the bottle to her mouth, which after a look at him as if she were making sure he wasn't going to leave her she accepted the bottle.

"Mommy can tell you a thousand different stories about why I'm not around but the only thing you need to remember is that that I love you. Keep it buried in your heart ok? For always and ever Sari, no matter where you both are and who you're both with you two will always be my girls. No one will ever come close to what you mean to me. And I need you to always have that in the back of your mind. You will always be my little girl, and that is one thing that is forever."

Dan said not even caring anymore as his tears tracked down his face, this might have been the only time he got to hold her, to tell her just exactly what she meant to him. Serena had made it pretty clear that she wanted him no where near there child. That he was to move on and make a new life for himself. Dan being Dan knew that he needed to respect that. He loved her to much to anger her or hurt her more then he already had. The only thing that Dan Humphrey could do was to leave both her and their daughter without bothering either one about it. Maybe everything happened for a reason but at this time he was beginning to believe that life just wasn't fair, how they could give him beautiful Serena that meant everything to him, then give them a child then rip it both out of his hands. He couldn't fight for her anymore, it wasn't what she wanted. She wanted to be left alone to raise there baby without him to interrupt and so that's what he was going to do. To let Serena Van der Woodsen have her way.

_I want you to know  
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul  
I'll hold on to this moment you know, 'as I bleed my heart out to show  
And I won't let go_

He sat there for a half and hour letting her drink her bottle as he captured the moments in his memory, the seldom time he'd get to be her father. Removing the empty bottle and holding her thin body against his he rubbed her back gently till she expelled the bubble. Taking that as a sign it'd be ok to stop burping her he supported her head and held her to his face.

"There are people that go through their entire lives not knowing what love is. Lucky for me I've had you and your mommy. Even if I'm not allowed to keep you I will always love you princess. Maybe someday your mommy will notice that I can't just move on. That you two are the only ones I want. I hope that happens before it's to late but I know how stubborn your mommy is and I'm betting you'll be just like her. No matter what Sariah, I'm your daddy and I will always love you baby girl."

Dan whispered as he placed her down in the small incubator bed and kissed her cheek as a single tear ran down his face and landed on her. He tried to brush away the rest as he looked at her up close for a final heartbreaking time.

"I love you baby"

Backing away now she started to cry and he wanted nothing more but to rush forward and pick her up, to rock her till it was all gone. But Serena wanted him to move on without them, she'd made it clear so that's what he had to do. Placing the two notes down on the ledge underneath the baby's bed as she screamed and wailed away he did his best to be ok as he turned his back and walked out the door. Not looking at anything around him as he continued to brush away the tears that were blinding his view. He didn't even notice the blonde who rested her head against the glass window her own tears brimming her glimmering green eyes.

_In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies  
When you don't know what you're looking to find  
In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies  
When you just never know what you will find_


	2. How much more to this

Author's Note: this chapter I've had done for over twenty-four hours now but I've procrastinated and tried my best to tone it to get it right. The song in this chapter is Happy Ending by Mika. More author's note at the end of the chapter. and just as a reminder, don't forget to check out B on R&K tomorrow morning premoting the movie!

_This is the way you left me,  
I'm not pretending.  
No hope, no love, no glory,  
No Happy Ending.  
This is the way that we love,  
Like it's forever.  
Then live the rest of our life,  
But not together._

She had chocolate brown eyes and chestnut hair that gleamed a shade of dark red in the sunlight, every inch of her seemed inexperienced, innocent, and childlike. As the blonde watched her from the side of the courtyard she had to smile. There was just something about Amanda that made Serena actually trust her not to break his heart. She wasn't sure if it was the way she flicked threw her Ipod like nothing besides finding the perfect song mattered, or the way her face lit up like a child's on Christmas day every time Dan came into view. The other girl was happy with him and as far as Serena could tell by his smile he was happy with her also. Amanda was just like him, they shared interests in writing and literature, he finally had someone he could talk to without her being completely confused on what was going on. From the double date the night previous Serena had seen that Amanda really did honestly care for him and she wasn't just another fake in his life.

All Serena could do was put up her best counterfeit smile and pretend that she was just fine with the thought of Dan moving on. Plus, it was her decision to separate this time. Now it was time for them both to move on and lead separate lives. Why he insisted on keeping her close she wasn't sure but none of that made trying to separate herself from him any easier.

Stepping out of the shaded spot the sun seemed to come to her beckon call as the cool late September air swarmed around her and made her look like the goddess everyone at Constance had seemed to dub her. Her best happy façade smile played on her flawless skin, skirt shortened just enough to make the boys want more, shirt unbuttoned and the V of her tie down enough to show the difference from her summer tan and the cup size she'd picked up out of no where. Everything about Serena Van der Woodsen made heads turn and girls hold tighter to their boyfriend's hands. Everyone that was but Amanda, Dan was to good, to easy to be trusted, to true to need any worry.

_Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life  
Can't get no love without sacrifice  
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well  
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell_

"Serena! Serena over here"

Serena's attention turned right away to the sound of Amanda's gently quiet voice extending itself out and calling Serena to come over to her. When Amanda had first arrived at the school and started hitting on Dan Blair had put up a warning on her, making no one want to befriend her or they'd suffer the wrath of 'Queen B'. she'd only had Serena's best interests in mind when she'd done so, but, Serena had surprised them both when she'd stepped out and befriended the girl that was starting to get so close to the one guy she loved more then any other.

"Hey Manda"

Perky and bright, two things she was feeling far from on the inside but she knew that Amanda needed to see. Serena had been told all her life by her mother to befriend her enemies, however she'd also been told by Blair to destroy them. That was the difference between her and Blair, she wasn't a bitch and she actually cared about people. Walking over to her Serena took a seat on the stone wall beside her, it was hard but something that she needed to do.

"Want to listen?"

Amanda offered one of the head phones out to her, one of her Indi Rock bands Serena figured. Dan had said she wasn't much into main stream music like everyone else. It was one of the things that made her different and out of the ordinary, one of the things that drew Dan to her. It also made Serena want to throw her Justin Timberlake and Fergie infested Ipod against the wall till it smashed to pieces. The only issue with that was that she wouldn't have had anything to sooth her as she cried.

"No thanks"

She shook her head and took a package of peanut butter crackers out of her bag and bit into it. She normally hated peanut butter unless it was Reese's, lately she just didn't care. All she wanted was to eat it regardless of the kind.

_This is the hardest story that I've ever told  
No hope, or love, or glory  
Happy endings gone forever more  
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wastin'  
And I'm wastin' everyday_

"S, you told me if I had any questions about him I could ask you. Well I have a question and it might be a little personal, I don't know, I'm having a really hard time getting this out. I don't know maybe I shouldn't bring it up. It might be to weird for you."

Watching Amanda's cheeks start to turn bright red Serena felt for the girl but she couldn't think about anything wrong with Dan's body. In fact, Serena loved every inch of his body, the thought of it made her miss the feel of his chest under her lips, her hands in certain areas and the way he'd mumble her name breathlessly as she worked her hands the way he liked. She shook her head clear of her thoughts and swallowed the last bit of cracker in her mouth.

"Amanda, when I said I was here for what you needed I meant it. Just talk to me. I'm a friend remember and if it's regarding Dan I can likely tell you the answer. We were together for a while and I'd like to think I know him pretty well."

Pretty well was an understatement when it came to her and Dan, she was in love with him, she had been then and she still was, working to put him in the past was the hardest she'd ever done.

"Don't answer if you don't feel comfortable with it ok? When did you and Dan… I mean we've been together for a month and I think, um… I think I'm ready. If you, um… if you know what I mean. I just don't know… I um, yea."

_This is the way you left me,  
I'm not pretending.  
No hope, no love, no glory,  
No Happy Ending.  
This is the way that we love,  
Like it's forever.  
Then live the rest of our life,  
But not together._

Serena felt like her heart was breaking a little bit more as she knew exactly what Amanda was trying to get at. Call it selfish but she took pride in being his first, at making him experienced and just plain… good. His hands weren't fast and grabby but every bit of him was gentle and caring. His touch, his kiss, his thrusts, she could recall all of the times he'd gone slow just to watch her and his affect on her. The way he'd tortured her with his light menacing touches all over her body. Just thinking about it made her want him, even though she couldn't have him, he wasn't any longer hers to think about in those ways.

"I'm sorry, I over stepped didn't I? I shouldn't have asked that."

Amanda hesitated as she brought Serena out of her daze with her talking. Serena looked at her right away and put her hand on Amanda's shoulder.

"No, that's not it I was just thinking of the way to express it right. Um… sex is something you both have to be sure of. It's not something you can plan it just sorta happens when you don't expect it. It's magical and meaningful, especially with Dan Amanda. He's not one of the guys that just wants it because it's there."

Every word out of Serena's mouth made her cringe, she didn't want to be sitting there giving advice to the love of her life's new girlfriend. Something about Amanda made her seem so childlike and helpless that all Serena wanted to do was older sister her, like she did to Eric. Trying to be selfless and protect people was just who Serena was, it's what made her not like Blair.

"It's just, it's special Amanda. You don't want to rush it or fake it."

Her mind was working over time as she thought of how she thought that Dan was just like every other guy. How she'd thought that sex would make him like her more till she noticed that the only thing was that he really did love her with no questions asked. Dan was different from the rest, he didn't pretend to be someone he wasn't.

"Thanks S, you really are one of a kind."

Amanda's genuine smile made Serena feel a little bit better about what she'd just done. Amanda would take care of him, Serena knew she would. Serena's eyes lingered on Amanda as she took out a High School Musical cell phone case that held her cell phone. It just went to show just how different the two eighteen year old girls really were.

_2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind  
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around  
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep  
I can think that we just carried on_

"Just the two girls I was looking for."

Dan's voice made both of the girls suddenly break from their looks at one another and jump. Amanda's cheeks were still flushed a light pink and Serena's heart felt like it was still a bit broken. Dan was acting more and more like she was Vanessa, someone he could count on for anything. The thought of being to him what Vanessa was scared her worse then her break up.

"What's the conversation of the day?"

Placing a polite kiss on Amanda's cheek he sat down on the side of her like the sweet respectful boyfriend he was. Serena's eyes lingered on him as her heart begged her to just re consider everything that had gone on. To just go back and time and make it all go back to what it had been.

"Nothing, just girl stuff"

Serena said nonchalantly making Amanda thankful for the way Serena was even more then she had been for the conversation. She always listened and gave the best advise about Dan. Amanda couldn't ask for better help then Serena was.

"Which reminds me, Serena, this is from Blair. She was running around the halls looking for you so I told her I'd find you."

Handing her the Godiva bag Serena turned into a child as she grabbed it out of his hand and tossed him a bright smile before digging into it. Dan found himself smiling and laughing at her.

"Strawberries dipped in peanut butter and chocolate."

_This is the hardest story that I've ever told  
No hope, or love, or glory  
Happy endings gone forever more  
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wastin'  
And I'm wastin' everyday_

She said taking one of them out of the box and earning herself grimaces from both Dan and Amanda. She didn't care how weird or gross it sounded the peanut butter and the strawberry were two things she wanted more then anything else.

"Serena, that's gross"

Dan shook his head but she could tell his eyes were still glued on the strawberry in her mouth. The memory of the bus ride was suddenly running threw both of their heads. Then her thoughts about talking to Amanda about sex struck her and the peanut butter craving. Going back and forth between her thoughts and Dan's face she suddenly choked on the bite of strawberry she'd taken and spit it out in the Godiva bag. In her head she did a mental check and of course she couldn't remember her calendar for the life of her.

_This is the way you left me,  
I'm not pretending.  
No hope, no love, no glory,  
No Happy Ending.  
This is the way that we love,  
Like it's forever.  
Then live the rest of our life,  
But not together._

xoxoDanSerena- almost right on the money, thank you for your awesome review, I love reading ones like that, they get the ideas in my own head flowing. Please leave one like that again.

sweet-angel09- thank you for your review! Hope It's worth the wait!

beachbumyeahh- honestly that's because my stories are never run through a beta first and it's things that I don't pick out on my first runs. This chapter however has been checked, hope it's better for you.

Ima Geek- not that I hope that it makes you cry but I hope the chapters to come move you as well.

ericaa13- thank you so much for following all of my random stories! I always look forward to your reviews.

hello-my-love- no years later, though it might take a while to get back to current time

JBlover- thank you so much!!

Calie well I think this chapter would still not be up if it weren't for you, thank you for reading it for me first before anyone else. And I hope this is a little bit less confusing then the first time you read it.

Mich- your critique on it pushed me to re think and re write it, you honestly have no idea how much it meant to me. And you also pointed out something to me, the way I write S is a mix of book, that's the reason she seems flawless and like she can do nothing wrong at times. Because that's the way Serena is in the book. Dan on the other hand I'm still not sure about, I need to try harder next time. But, your review really meant a lot to me, thank you so much for that.

Lauren- well quite obviously this wouldn't be up without you, I wouldn't even know where to go without you. Everyone's going to be in for quite the roller coaster with this fic because of you and you're brilliant ideas


	3. Don't know how much more I can take

**Author's note**: Ok so I can't wait to post this, it hasn't been checked or anything yet but I need to share it, partly because chapter four is already half written and I'm pouring my heart into it. I already love it and I know you guys will too. Your reviews had me so excited every time I read one of them, they mean so much to me and they make me so happy to write so thank you so much for that! I'm sorry if I confused everyone by going backward. I didn't know exactly how I was gonna go when I first started to write but I let it take the path it wanted to and that's where it ended up. The song in this chapter is **Your call** by **Secondhand Serenade**. I know I know lots of SS in my stories but it's because all I can think of when I listen is DS. Hope you all enjoy this chapter as well. Remember your reviews are like candy to me! And as always this is for the ever lovely **Lauren** because without her I wouldn't have this story.

_**Say a prayer  
The summer nights are dead  
The fall is coming  
We were careless hearts  
Who got caught up in this**_

Eleven green, nine purple, six red, fifteen yellow, five oranges left, which was all that was left of the big bag of skittles that Serena had requested of Blair to bring her over. The skittles themselves had been lined up, made into a heart, star, and their initials. Anything to try and get her mind off of what she needed to do, what she had no choice but to do, it was only prolonging the facts. The skittles were her escape in a way, for as far back as herself or the 'breakfast club' could remember Serena's only stubborn tick was separating skittles into their colors. In this case her skittles obsession was the only thing keeping her from going off of the deep end and trying to do something irrational. She felt like she was going crazy as she arranged the skittles on the bathroom counter so that the yellow, red, and orange skittles couldn't touch. She'd looked at the skittles long enough for them to stand for things, red and yellow mixed together made orange. When two things were put together often made something else, often times like the rectangular box only inches from Serena's finger tips.

Unlike colors being mixed this was much bigger, this had raining repercussions. Two things being mixed together quite often led to the eight letter word she couldn't find in her vocabulary. Forgetting about the skittles for a moment she picked up the box and turned it over in her hand. The directions themselves were easy – pee on the stick. The results on the other hand were a different story, they evolved her life coming crashing down around her.

Serena wasn't ready to be a mother, she was just getting the hang of the responsibility of herself, but, to add a child to it seemed so not fair. It made her wonder what the skittles thought when yellow and red and orange added to them. She knew they were dumb thoughts, ones that didn't even have a point. But thinking about them made her feel like she could hold onto a little bit of her childhood and her innocence that she's lost so many years ago.

"S, it's me open up."

Hearing Blair's voice made Serena's blood run cold it felt. Completely startled she dropped the test box to the floor with a crash. It didn't matter if her best friend had been in a similar situation not to long ago, Serena still didn't want her to know. Because that would have been admitting defeat, admitting the fact that there was something going on.

"B it's nothing"

The voice that came out of her mouth was way calmer then she was actually feeling. Serena had always been good at keeping secrets, telling lies had been what Serena's pre adolescent life had consisted of.

"Then open the door S, tell me what you're doing in there. Eric called me to come check on you because you wouldn't open the door to him and he's worried about you. What's going on S?"

Jumping down from the counter Serena slid down to the floor as she picked up the test box that had dropped to it.

"B, the door's locked, and I have the worst cramps ever. Are you really going to make me get off the counter with the heating pad again?

She lied part of her wishing that were the truth as she turned the box over and over in her hand.

"Well when you decide to stop being a bitch, and you take a midol call me."

Hearing Blair sneer and her heels click against the wooden floor of the bedroom Serena let out a deep breath and banged her head back against the wall. What was she doing? How could she let this happen. Things were not supposed to take this path, but she felt like she could only blame herself.

_**You were shy  
To the night you drove me wild  
And you crashed into me  
And I won't lie  
I wish it lasted a lifetime  
**_

_It had all started before they'd gotten on the bus after an innocent stroll around the mini outdoor shopping mall. Who had Serena ever been to pass up anything Godiva? The chocolate shop smelled warm and inviting in the hot summer air. She'd dragged him in with her and he'd scoffed at all of the crazy prices for the sugary treats. All the while she let her sexual interludes tease him as she joked about the taste of his skin and the taste of chocolate in his ear. It was going to be a very long bus trip till he got her back alone in the loft, then she knew she'd pay for the tormenting she'd done to him. _

_In the beginning he thought the separate seats on the bus were a good idea, she couldn't turn him on anymore to the point where she just about had no choice but to tear her clothes off of her and do her in the public eye. She had that affect on him and she was well aware if it. Looking at him and how every once and a while his eyes were glued to her un able to look away was what made her take the strawberry out just to torment him that much more. She could see in his eyes that he needed her to even partly remove his needs so that's when she'd gotten up, grabbed his hand and taken him to the back of the bus where she could straddle his lap and touch where ever he please. The low cut shirt and the short shorts gave easy access for his fingers and mouth to play. But when the kid came over and tried to watch there activities and the ten bucks wouldn't even make him go away, that's when she got the idea in her head. To drag him into the bathroom, in there what every they pleased could be done without the eyes of an audience lingering on them. _

_Soon as they were alone it hadn't taken long for clothes to be torn off and tossed to the floor as messy kissed were left in all kissable places, the urgency for being as close to one another was in full rage and Serena had known that Dan needed her to hurry up and let him in before they had a mess to clean up. The bid for a condom had been long tossed out as Serena had bit his lip in response and mumbled a slightly incoherent 'screw it'. A choice of words that was very on point _

_It hadn't taken long for their bodies to sink with one another as they did there best to keep their mouths entertained so that the rest of the people on the bus didn't hear the show that was taking place behind closed doors. _

_**Please stay-ay-ay  
Won't you stay-ay-ay  
Tonight**_

Her head was throbbing, her pulse was racing, her hands were shaking, and nothing seemed to be real as she sat on the floor of the bathroom. Her entire body felt completely numb, like a rock solid mask had over taken her body and she just couldn't feel anything anymore. The buzzer on her cell phone had gone off and she couldn't make herself pick up the applicator. It would make to many things that Serena didn't want to think about come true. Peeing on the stick had been enough; she wasn't ready to read the truth just yet. If only she hadn't decided that forgetting the condom was just fine because they could take on the world. At the moment in time she didn't think she could be any more wrong then she'd been on the bus.

Serena was in to much emotional pain to even so much as cry, sure some day she'd seen herself taking a pregnancy test. She'd day dreamed of sitting with Dan awaiting the results as he held her hand. But this wasn't like that, Serena was by herself and in a relationship with a guy that had nothing to do with the baby she was already sure of was inside of her. She couldn't reach out and pick up the test, the thought made her want to run the other way.

_**Breathe in deep  
And say goodbye  
The saddest song  
I'll ever write  
For anyone, anytime**_

So consumed in her own mixed feelings and frustrations the key turning in the bathroom's lock hadn't startled her or made her flinch. Serena's guilty green eyes connected with her mother's concerned blue ones as soon as Lily was standing in the doorway. She closed her eyes instently and took a deep breath, the pregnancy test was close to Lily's foot and there was no way for Serena to grab it from across the floor without Lily noticing it.

"Serena what's going on in here? You're making Eric worried. He said you sent Blair away; you're not in trouble again are you? Because Serena if you're using again I have no other choice but to send you away. I already told you that."

Standing up off the floor she tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear, her freeze of emotions seemed to be melting as her tear ducts began to work again, her eyes were glossing up as she shifted her gaze away from her mother. She looked up only to notice Lily glance over to the counter at the skittles neatly separated into colors, yellow, orange, and red still not touching. The separation of skittles never related to a good thing and Lily knew it also.

"Oh that's enough Serena, what the hell is going on with you. Why won't you answer me? Are you using again?"

Lily accused again and all Serena could do was cover her face and respond by shaking her head no. Her tears were coming now and Lily hadn't even knowing the real truth as to what was going on.

"I swear Serena if you don't start…"

_**Breathe in deep  
Before I say  
I can feel us slip away  
You're almost gone  
You're good as gone  
August is over**_

She didn't finish her sentence as instead the crunch of a box under her shoe made her look down expecting a container of white powder, but when her eyes stuck upon the word pregnancy on the box Lily felt everything around them freeze. As Serena watched her, her heart pulsed, with Lily's actions of bending down and picking up the test Serena wished that by some miracle it would be negative. The moments between Lily looking down at the test and then looking back up from it felt as if it was thousands of hours in between when it only took a few moments.

"Mom… I…"

Lily's hand connecting with Serena's cheek made her flinch with the snapping sound. The slap had told her all she needed to know, The test had been positive, Serena was defiantly pregnant.

Her face stung as she put her hand on her cheek and her emerald eyes looked up only to find Lily turned away from her leaning on the counter crying herself. Serena had almost expected the slap, it wasn't like Lily did well with things like this, she knew how she did with Eric coming out.

"Mom I'm sorry, I'm… I'm gonna call the place Blair went to for her treatments. They have to do, you know… I'll get rid of it then we can just pretend that none of this never happened. It's just a mistake."

_**Now we wait  
Cause August had to end  
All our bags are packed  
Just two broken hearts  
That got caught up in this**_

Though she thought she meant the words when they were in her head as they left her mouth they felt strange and they made her heart hurt. Soon as she'd said it she felt an attachment and it scared her. The idea of the baby scared her but part of her was telling her that this baby meant her forever. She watched Lily turn around shaking her head and Serena felt a little afraid as Lily placed her hands on the sides of Serena's face. In her mother's eyes Serena saw something she'd never seen so expressed before, they were a dark shade of regret.

"Dan and I should have been…"

Cut off by Lily's sudden rambling Lily tucked strands of Serena's hair behind her ears as she leaned her forehead to hers.

"I can't let you do that Serena"

Lily said as Serena felt wet tears drip on her face from her mom's. the next sentence out of her mouth made Serena feel so much more sympathy and remorse then she'd ever felt toured Lily. It cleared things up and made sense to why Lily and Rufus were the way they were.

"I can't watch you make the same mistakes I did."

_**I deny  
That tomorrow you'll be gone  
And so far from me  
It's something strange  
Never love the same way**_


	4. History isn't just the past

**Author's note**: ok so this chapter was very hard for me to figure out how to just finish, mostly because I'm in a rush for the next chapter. Thank you so much for all of your reviews. The past chapter didn't do as well as the other two so I'm hoping this does better? Please remember to review. So the first part of this is for **Laura**, because I think she'll like the RL mentions, **Eliz** because with your convincing I'm posting it. And **Lauren**… you're just my partner in crime when it comes to this story. Special dedicate though to **Katie**, if I could write CB to improve your day I would but I'm afraid I'd screw that one up. The song is **Don't speak Liar** by **We The Kings**

_Just sit back  
And tell me  
I'm a liar for this  
Don't roll your eyes  
Rewind  
This happens  
Way too many times_

_The warm breeze blew in the late June air as a blonde stood on the shore line out back in the private beach of her parent's beach house. Or better her mother's beach house, her father had passed away two months previous now to cancer. Her grey eyes were set on the horizon deep in thought of the results she'd gotten only an hour previous. The breeze blew her tie tied summer dress and her hair back from her face as she lifted her cigarette to her lips and took another long drag from it holding in the smoke for a better feeling from it. She needed to take a car up to the city, her boyfriend's band had a gig at a local bar and she wanted to head up there for the night. Her mother wasn't going to care, she was out with her friends for bingo night again. It seemed like since her father passed away Cecilia didn't care what her daughter did. _

_Lifting up her camera that she held in one hand she snapped a shot of the falling sun, everything looked so beautiful at night. So scene and peaceful, after four wine coolers it was the way she felt also. Dropping the camera back down on the string around her neck she turned around and raced back to the table, letting the cigarette go in the sand along the way. It was nice to never care about anything and always have everything handed to her on a silver platter. That's the way she'd always gotten things and it's the way she always planned on getting things. _

_Picking up the bottle of wine she took a swing and tossed it back onto the table like it was water. She hadn't even noticed her mother standing in the doorway tapping her fingers on the door. _

_"Lillian Elizabeth Rhodes what are you thinking?"_

_The first words out of Cecilia's mouth put a goofy grin on Lily's face as she twirled around on her feet and faced her mother. _

_"Not being a hypocritical bitch mother." _

_Lily responded simply as she began to lit another cigarette until Ceecee came closer to her and ripped it out of her hand stubbing it out in the crystal ashtray before slapping Lily across the face. _

_"I can't believe I allowed my daughter to turn into such a whore"_

_Her thick bitter voice barked out as with her free hand she slammed the positive pregnancy test down on the table as Lily treated it all with no regard and took another sip of the wine as though the slap had never even happened. Since her father's passing Lily didn't listen to anything Ceecee had to say. She did everything she wasn't supposed to instead. _

_"that's the way of life isn't it mother. Daddy hadn't been dead for two weeks in you'd already been in how many different guy's beds? At least I know who got me pregnant. And you know what the difference is? I love him. Even if he doesn't have a ton of money I don't give a fuck."_

_Lily hollered out earning herself another slap, this time she knew the eye was going to bruise. Just one more time she'd have to make excuses for the things she couldn't account for. All she could think of was Rufus, could the two seventeen year olds really have and raise a baby together. _

_"That low class, low rent street boy won't support you a dime. And without your inheritance you'll have nothing anymore. The three of you will be just like the rest of the street rats that walk the Bronx because I'm surly not going to support you or a bastard child." _

_She froze suddenly, Lily didn't know how to live without money or people waiting on her hand and foot. She'd been daddy's little girl and he'd given her all the time and everything else in the world that he could have. Now that he was gone it left Lily to fend with her mother who still thought the world was strictly black and white. _

_"You either get rid of it, and that trash of a boyfriend along with that dumb idea to take pictures for the rest of your life or I'll make you wish that you had. You can kiss all of your money goodbye."_

_Looking at her mother outraged Lily started to shake slightly as she lifted the glass bottle to her mouth again then noticed that it was gone this time. _

_"My father left me that money."_

_Interjecting she crossed her arms and stared at Cecilia with a glare in her eyes. _

_"and my name is now the main one on his account. Any transaction goes through me now."_

_Lily was defeated as she nodded her head and looked up at her mother. Without her inheritance Lily had nothing. After watching her parents and how they'd both cheated on one another all throughout their marriages she didn't trust love enough to get through it all with Rufus holding her hand. _

_"Can you set me up the appointment for tomorrow? I'll go tell Rufus it's over."_

_She wasn't going to cry, she never cried in front of her mother. That would have shown weakness, not something she cared for Cecilia to see. _

_"Just keep in mind that I fucking hate you."_

_The words as she said them didn't even faze Cecilia, after all the feeling between the two was almost mutual. _

_So sit back  
And tell me that your  
Tired of this  
I know  
I'll grow up someday  
But it's 2am  
And I'm too high and dry  
And I won't come down to_

As Serena listened to the end of her mother's story she could see all the pain and hurt in her eyes, how much she loved Rufus, and just how hard the repercussions of her decisions had truly been. Serena watched as Lily sat ridged and refused to cry while she told about the remnants of her old broken life. Though they may have been very similar people who made very close mistakes, Serena could tell just how different they really were. Her head and her heart both knew that in any case she would have picked Dan and having their baby over money if it were the case. The case regarding this one however was Serena picking Dan's happiness over strapping him down with a baby.

"Mom I'm so sorry"

Serena said as she wiped a tear from her eyes and reached over pulling Lily into a tight hug. There was more expressed in the tight embrace then could have been expressed by both mother and daughter in spoken words. Tears, anger, resentment and pain all seemed to unite between the two. Who would have thought that history so nearly repeated its self.

"Well I can't say I'm thrilled about all of this, But I watch Dan with you. There's not a moment that he's not taking care of you, who knows, they say everything happens for a reason don't they?"

Serena nodded her head as Lily spoke, it was true, there had to be some certin reason that Lily and Rufus hadn't had their happiness right away and Serena was going to take the lesson from it. She knew that she couldn't do what her mother had done.

"Why don't you head to the loft, telling him might make you feel better."

The thought made Serena freeze and shake her head right away, sure, the baby was his and all but there was no way she was about to tell him any of it, this was her secret for as long as it could be held.

"I um… yea I can't do that. Dan's happy mom. Amanda, she makes him happy and she won't hurt him like I have. I'm not ready to tell him yet."

Shaking her head she grabbed the pillow that had been behind her head and head it close to her torso burying her face into it.

_So when I come back  
I won't say a word  
I know  
I've said this before  
Don't speak, liar_

"Well sweetie, you're gonna have no choice but to tell him eventually. There's a lot more that's gonna grow besides your La Perla tab at Barney's."

Lily's comment made a faint smile cross Serena's face as for a moment her more playful side poked its head through the serious mask that had taken over her mind. Serena mocked her mother as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"Excuse me it's not my fault I'm now in a bigger size then you."

She teased dramatically, showing again why Lily had always called Serena her sunshine little actress. There hadn't been a day when Serena was young that she hadn't smiled and that had been what told Lily that the years that had passed she'd made the right decision about everything.

_No we won't talk  
We won't say a word  
I know  
You've heard this before  
Don't speak, liar_

"Um, maybe I should come back in here later?"

Eric's footsteps hadn't been heard in the confusion and giggles of mother and daughter as the teenage boy poked his head in the room. Serena and Lily both looked up to the dirty blond haired boy with genuine smiles. As he stepped further in the room Serena saw what he held in his hands and lunged at him causing him to drop the bag of Oreos and the peanut butter and head for her bed.

It was moments like watching her son and daughter that Lily knew she'd made the right decision for herself so many years ago. Of course she loved Rufus back then, and she still did now. But as she watched her children interact and stuff peanut butter dipped Oreos in one another's mouths a smile crossed Lily Van der Woodsen's face. Her son may have been gay and her daughter may have been eighteen and pregnant but they were both in ways happy. That was all that mattered. The only thing that Lily worried about was now that her past had been brought to the surface maybe she too had to confront it and set an example for Serena to follow, only her news to Dan would be much more pleasant then the things that Lily had to tell Rufus.

_Sit back  
And tell me why  
I'm so prone to this  
Do you think I'm fond of  
Getting you and letting you down  
And I'll get mine soon_


	5. A kiss for the last

Author's not: this is by far my longest chapter yet, and as much as I love it I'm hoping you guys do also. Please don't forget to review… reviews are like cup cakes… they make me feel good. As always this is for Lauren because without her there wouldn't be a story. Calie, thank you so much for editing, I know it was a pain in the ass job and I apologize. Eliz thank you soo much for helping me when I got stuck and Steph also. Hope you all enjoy it! The song is Secret Valentine by We The Kings. Enjoy!

_**Soft kiss and wine  
What a pretty friend of mine  
We're finally intertwined  
Nervous and shy  
For the moment we will come  
Alive  
Tonight  
Secret valentine**_

_The roof of the art gallery was brightly lit with candles and lanterns glowing shades of dulled gold, the moonlight streaming down from the stars lit her perfect makeup less face and showed him just how dazzling and perfect she really was. How flawless and perfect she looked as they both lay on their sides facing one another, his hand lightly on her cheek as emerald looked into chocolate with passion, fire, and innocence. It was like a meeting of the minds and as they laid there the world around them just seemed to stay still, as though the only thing in the world they needed was one another._

_They'd had it planned all day, Rufus needed help at the gallery and he'd enlisted both of his children to do so. Jenny had invited Vanessa to spend some girl time, which meant Vanessa bitching about Serena and Dan, until Dan had insisted Serena join them as well. In fact he'd spent the whole afternoon making the perfect lasagna, which in the end had worked out to be a great contrast to her home made rice crispy treats. _

_Now as they lay under the stars in the cool march air, her in her pink fleece pajamas he'd laughed at her and teased her for arriving in, everything was perfect. His hand rested on her soft cheek and their eyes were interlocked with one another. Even Rufus who had come up to tell them maybe it was getting too chilly and to come inside where it was warmer couldn't interrupt the Kodak moment taking place on the roof. So there they lay, everything innocent among the candles and the night fall._

"_Are you sure you're not cold?" _

_Dan whispered to her not wanting to break the moment as his thumb gently caressed her cheek, everything was just the way he'd always wanted it but never expected it to be. His dream girl was lying with him, she was all his._

"_Just a little chilly" _

_She admitted and felt him slid his hand from her cheek and reach for the soft throw blanket he'd brought. Covering her over and pulling her closer into his chest as she rolled over with her back to him, he hugged her close leaning his head down on her shoulder and inhaling the lavender scent of her shampoo. In his arms now she was warm and content. _

"_Dan, I don't want this moment to ever end" _

_There was no apprehension in her voice, there wasn't anything for her to be afraid of. When he was there that was all that she needed. She felt him place a feather light kiss on her collar bone and then lean his head back against hers again. _

"_Why? There are going to be plenty more to come." _

_Almost feeling like Dan was too perfect for her she pushed her body as close to his as she could manage, not that there had been even an inch of space to begin with. She was never sure why Dan had chosen her but he had, and he'd changed her. Every bit of her felt it and knew it. She'd never been so in love with anyone. The way he could just hold her without wanting any more then than that, the way he made them dinner, the way he kissed her, everything was just what she'd always needed and always wanted but never expected. _

"_Promise?"_

_The moment she said it she felt like a little child asking for a Christmas present, but that's they way they were. Always playful and grateful for what they had, they leaned on one another for both comfort and control. _

"_Cross my heart and hope to die"_

_He finished for her as her hands squeezed his arm lightly, it was like laying there they both knew that their names were written in the starry sky, She knew they were forever and as did he._

"_I don't like when things are finished like that. No dying, if you died then we couldn't have our children." _

_A light smile crossed his face soon as she mentioned it, the thought of it seemed too dreamlike yet so real at the same time. It was inevitable; they could have told anyone that from the first kiss. Sparks and fireworks like that didn't just happen every day._

"_Our children huh?_

_He teased her as she could feel his breath on her neck pressing a kiss every once and a while as she closed her eyes and let her thoughts of the future over take her._

_"Mmhmm our three kids."_

_She nodded her head but stopped when she felt him shaking his. _

"_Ok, are you mocking me or are you disagreeing?" _

_Though she couldn't see the smile across his face she could hear it in the tone of his voice, the way his light chuckle came out and he briefly brushed his hand down her side. _

"_Disagreeing, I think we should have four, two of each."_

_He stated matter-of-fact like as her powder pink Ugg rubbed against his leg. _

"_Guess that means I'll have to share my title of princess with someone else." _

_Rolling over in his arms then she was facing him, she saw all of the hope and happiness his brown eyes held and her emerald eyes he saw. The simplest moment that was so full of love and trust and true understanding meant so much to her. _

"_Sariah" _

_Looking up at him with a question in her face she was a little confused by the random name he'd just suddenly said. It was pretty and different, just like they were together. _

"_It means Princess"_

_She nodded her head as he explained and the same smile that mimicked his spread across her face. They were talking about forever and she was right, she was so sure of it. _

"_Sariah and Charlie"_

_Her hand then moved to the side of his face and his eyes closed as she gently pressed her Mac cherry lip glossed lips right under his eye. _

"_Why Charlie?"_

_Tangling his hand in her messy blonde locks with his eyes still shut her marveled in just how much he really did love her. It scared him to be so at her mercy for everything. _

"_Because I pick you over Dominic Monahan any day, but even still"_

_With her reference to Lost he laughed at her and pulled her closer to him as she put her head on his chest and threw her leg across his waist. Everything in the moment was so perfect and peaceful they didn't think anything could ever break any of it. _

_**We'll write a song  
That turns out the lights  
When both boy and girl start suddenly shaking inside  
Don't waste your time  
Speed up your breathing  
Just close your eyes  
We'll hope it's not for nothing at all**_

The memory of the night before Georgina came to town played over and over in her mind on the way to

school, the leaves had fallen from the trees and it was significantly colder then it had been when she'd first gotten the results that changed everything for her. Her brown Marc Jacobs jacket had been bought big enough to get her through the winter and big enough to hide the part of her she wasn't ready to show just yet. She'd listened to Lily and Eric urge her on in telling him but as always she refused. She couldn't ruin everything he had going for him, everything ahead of he and Amanda.

Trekking her way through Central Park, taking the long way to Constance, Serena's hands resided in her pockets and the faded pink Uggs mashed down the red, golden, and brown leaves that scattered and lined the ground. Her blonde hair stuck to her face as the wind blew around her yet she couldn't make herself walk any faster. Walking a few more steps and deciding to sit down on a bench she noticed the woman that was beside her. The young red head couldn't have been more then just a few years older then herself, the infant in her arms gently swaddled in the green blanket. Serena's eyes were glued to the newborn until the woman's talking made her snap back into reality.

"She's two weeks old, nine pounds three ounces."

The red head grinned as she spoke proudly and Serena got a warm tingly feeling inside. She wasn't sure what it was but looking at the woman and the child she felt so close to it and it all seemed and felt so real that she couldn't hold it back. The infants eyes were closed tightly as she peacefully rested, her little fingers in her mouth.

"She's beautiful, so tiny, it's so incredible something so real can come from just a few months, and sometimes even a few mistakes that just prove to you there's a reason for everything."

Serena's thoughts weren't being coherently thought through in her head as she spoke and kept her eyes glued to the child. In six months she'd be holding her own, a piece of Dan she couldn't give back even if she tried. Not that she could ever want to.

"How far along are you?"

The woman's question caught her off guard and she panicked and looked down at her coat for a moment before opening her mouth to ask how she could tell.

"You have the glow, as dumb as it sounds. There's an aura in the way pregnant women look at infants. Like they know that the very same beautiful thing is going on right inside of them also. And if you don't mind me saying, by the look in your eyes you're very much in love with the father. Looks to me as though you're having a very special baby."

Her emotions always seemed to be overtaking lately as her eyes filled with tears and she pushed her jacket out of the way with her hands only for them to rest on the solid white of her tank top under her button up. Standing up from the bench the slight bump was completely visible as she nodded her head still facing the red-head.

"You're right, I love him more than words."

Her tear stained face was already blotchy from crying, she was going to need a really good excuse when she got into the doors of school.

_**Lay down, be still  
Don't worry, talk they will  
I'll be loving you until  
Morning's first light  
Breaks tomorrow, I'll take care  
Of you  
Tonight  
Secret valentine**_

**Spotted: you would think UES royalty would know how to use their own perfection, Seems like S hasn't quite learned from Queen B's almost mistakes. Could the VdW family be joining the likes of the Spears's? Holding your once thin stomach is a little incarcerating S. Looks like the LAX prince may have watched a little to much Juno with the UES's leading princess. Is it that or has someone decided she needed a way to keep her men, Lonely Boy seems to be reading sonnets with a different crowd these days. I'll be watching you S, if anyone else has the deats… pass them on. You know you love me **

**Xoxo **

**Gossip Girl**

"You would think that Gossip Girl would realize just how immature all of her stunts and games are. I mean Serena's not pregnant, that's just crazy talk."

Dan shook his head as he paced back and forth in the hallway trying to restrain himself from going on a man hunt to find out who 'Gossip Girl' was and killing them. Why was she always so eager to make Serena pregnant all the time? And how dare she make Serena pregnant with anyone other them himself. With that thought he felt compelled to look over at Amanda and remind himself that she was the one he was with.

"Dan calm down, I don't see why you're reacting like this. I mean, if she is she's gonna need a friend to lean on and if you're acting like this I'm pretty sure you'll scare her."

Amanda's words were coming out like inconsistent rambling to Dan's brain and he just wanted to shut it off. Not meaning anything rudely his mind was just working to hard to process everything.

"She's not Amanda"

He snapped at her harshly as he slammed his fists against the wall, what scared him the most in it all was the fact that had GG speculated that Serena was pregnant with his child he might have been a little bit less hostile. The thought of her having someone else's child made him want to crumble. Silence filled in between the two as Dan turned back to face Amanda who had dropped to sitting on the floor, her head in her hands. He'd never been so harsh with her and he knew it as he walked over by her and gently reached for her hand.

"Amanda, please, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to raise my voice."

Her deep brown eyes looked up at him still without a smile on her face as she nodded her head and allowed him to help her up. Her height was significantly different from his as he tucked her hair behind her ear and kissed the top of her head.

"I'm sorry, I just mean… I know Serena in the past had a record for guys. You never know what she and Jenns are doing."

Dan bit the inside of his cheek; none of it was anything he wanted to think bout. He didn't want to think of another guy having his hand or mouth on her body. The thought of it showed him just how Serena must have felt through her mother's wedding, the images of him and Georgina. All of it made him want to pull his hair out and scream at something. How could he have been so stupid?

"But um… I, uh… you and Serena used to… are you sure it wouldn't be…"

Understanding what she was trying to say Dan shook his head. There was no even possibility of that. Serena knew that she could come to him if they were having a baby. They'd been down the almost scare path and she knew how he felt about it. He knew she would have told him. There was no question in the fact that Serena and himself were not having a baby.

"She wouldn't keep something like that from me."

He took a step back from her, suddenly he didn't feel like playing the good boyfriend. Sure Serena was no saint but she wasn't a liar either, and she wasn't cold hearted. Just because they were apart he had no doubt in his mind that if something that crucial to both of their lives she would tell him as soon as she knew.

"I'm gonna take off for a while. I'll call you later"

Dan sighed and kissed Amanda's cheek one last time before picking up his backpack and retreating back to the door. It was his senior year, he didn't need to attend all days of school, his application to Dartmouth was already in.

_**We'll write a song  
That turns out the lights  
When both boy and girl start suddenly shaking inside  
Don't waste your time  
Speed up your breathing  
Just close your eyes  
We'll hope it's not for nothing at all**_

Cell phones were a buzz with the latest Gossip Girl text and already Blair wanted to smash everyone's phones and open their eyes. Doing that would have been a hell of a lot easer had her best friend been around to defend herself, rather then getting her hair done or god only knew what. Serena was pulling back from Blair lately but Blair knew it couldn't have been because she was pregnant, Serena would have told her if she'd had sex with Jenns. They were best friends, they talked about things like that. Blair had even gotten a call at six thirty on Christmas morning with a very enthusiastic Serena saying she'd just gotten the best Christmas present of her life. Serena and Blair talked about things like that, even if it did involve Cabbage Patch.

"What are you all looking at, don't you have lives to get back to?"

Blair barked out at the group of girls that were standing around whispering behind their hands. As her Louboutin heels clicked with the ceramic tiles of the hallway she held her head up high and her cell phone to her ear leaving her best friend her ninth message in a row.

"S, where the fuck are you? I've called you like fifty times, you not being here is not helping your case any. Seen Jenns this morning and he didn't seem to know anything about any of this. Then again if you're not holding a lacrosse stick he doesn't seem to know anything about anything anyways. Hey S, I'll try to call you back after."

Blair stood in the corner of the hall, her eyes suddenly fixed on the sight in front of her. Cabbage Patch and Book Worm seemed to be in the middle of a headed debate. Not that Blair really cared to listen to a word of any of it she stood still listening, maybe it would give her some type of clue to where her best friend's whereabouts were. She picked up bits and pieces of Amanda's whining and Dan's anger. The whole thing convinced her even more that Serena was in fact not pregnant. If she had been pregnant with Dan's child Serena would have told both of them by now.

That was one thing Blair was sure of about Serena, she couldn't hide anything from her best friend or the guy that truly owned her heart. Even Blair knew that Serena was in love with Dan.

She listened as Dan turned away from Amanda and walked out of the school doors and Blair couldn't help but slightly roll her eyes. If the mousy brunette couldn't tell that Dan's heart wasn't into her she was obviously blind and dumb.

Blair had every intention of heading back to class when her eyes suddenly caught the mess of wind blown blonde hair walking around in the back of the school. She turned around and rushed past Amanda without a second thought to pause.

"Where the hell have you been?"

Blair tore into her best friend, hands on hips, eyes accusingly. She sized Serena up and couldn't tell anything different about her other then the flushed cheeks from walking in the cool air.

"Hey B, sorry I didn't feel like getting a ride so I walked. My phone battery's dead. I forgot to charge it last night."

Her blonde hair was still blowing with the wind that waved around them. It was clearly obvious that Serena hadn't heard a thing about the rumor that was traveling around school. Blair took her time to take out her cell phone and go through text messages before shoving it in Serena's face.

"Is there any truth to this?"

She accused sounding more motherly then even Lily had, it scared Serena and as she read through the message she felt sick to her stomach. It didn't take much anymore for Serena to feel like she was going to throw up.

"Wh…what? No.. no that's crazy… Jenns and I… we haven't… no"

She studdered out and she fussed with her jacket wishing she could sink further into it. For some reason she felt lie she wasn't ready to tell Blair the truth. Not because it would make it all real because it was in fact real. Her size up in skirts told that truth.

Blair had taken that as enough of the truth, it hadn't even crossed her mind that Serena never said she wasn't pregnant.

"B, I think I'm gonna head home. I don't really feel good today."

Putting her cell phone back in her bag Blair nodded her head.

"Ok S, but stop in the front and take to Jenns first ok? I think he's a little confused."

With that Serena gave Blair a quick hug and turned away to head for a conversation she was more then ready to have with Jenns.

_**When guilt fills your head  
Brush off, rise up from the dead  
This is  
The moment that we  
Will come alive  
Brace yourself for love  
Sweet love  
Secret love**_

Carrying her phone with her on walks was a nuisance without it she couldn't be disturbed or annoyed by the outside world. Serena was just left to herself, the baby, and her thoughts as she walked to Constance completely unaffected by the outside world. After the run in with the woman in the park Serena had needed to think, admitting everything about still loving Dan had given her new things she needed to bring up with Jenns. There were things she needed to do, and the first part of it all was putting the baby ahead of everything and anything else.

As the courtyard of Constance came into view Serena checked her coat to make sure it was buttoned, if she was going to do this she didn't need the hints of anything else pointing him in the face. Soon as she was in the courtyard there he was sitting on the stone wall, backpack, tennis racket, and lacrosse stick leaning on his knee. Had she not already found the love of her life she might have tried a little harder to fall for him, just as she might have done to mend what she could have had in the past with Nate. He wasn't hurting for looks, his dirty blonde hair and blue eyes, any girl would have easily fallen at his feet; any girl that wasn't Serena Van der Woodsen.

"Jenns?"

She'd been taken by surprise soon as she'd seen him. His face held concern and confusion as he held his cell phone up to her. She was confused as she took it from his hand and looked at the screen letting her eyes read the message. Suddenly she felt a little but lightheaded, everyone was going to think she was having Jenns's baby, Dan was going to think she was having Jenns's baby.

"Jenns that isn't -"

Jenns cut her off by shaking his head and putting his cell phone in the pocket of his khakis and running a hand through his hair. Placing his hands in his pockets with his cell phone he nodded his head in a totally understanding manner.

"Well that one I know, we haven't exactly gone anywhere near far enough for that. I'm not saying that to sound like a horny asshole, believe me I fully respect your decisions and I didn't want anymore from you than what I got. I came into this knowing you weren't the same type of girl that used to do that anymore and honestly I think that's really cool."

A light smile played over Serena's face, he was so close to being understanding but he still wasn't anywhere near Dan. She'd always remember his reaction to when he thought she'd purchased a pregnancy test for herself. It all made her sure that Dan was the one; that everything that was going on was happening for a reason.

"Jenns, we need to talk."

It was like he expected the words out of her mouth as he slightly bowed his head and she put her hand on his shoulder, only to slip it to his cheek as she gave him one of her sad but warm smiles. Even if she didn't feel for him what she felt for Dan letting him go was still hard. It felt like she was admitting he was just a rebound to his face and she didn't like when things were put that way. Serena Van der Woodsen did not use people like that.

"Jenns, you're a great guy. Any girl should be lucky and honored to have you. I'm so sorry for the things I've put you through I never meant for you to get hurt in any of this. I should never have played with your emotions the way I have."

She began and he marveled in having the Upper East Side beauty queen as his girlfriend for the final few moments. She was every bit as wonderful as people had described her, the way she lit up the room with just a simple smile when she entered. He may have been the 'dumb jock' but he could clearly see that her heart still remained in Daniel Humphrey's pocket.

"Tell him he's a real lucky guy ok? And I hope that he knows that, which I'm sure he does, he'd be blind not to."

That was the thing that had attracted her to Jenns, she thought that maybe he'd be a small distraction from her heartbreak but he even proved not to be enough. It seemed that soon she'd have enough of a distraction to take her mind off everything that had gone wrong, that or more of a reminder.

"Thank you Jenns, you really don't know what this means to me."

Moving closer to him he pulled her closer and hugged her tightly, breathing in her scent for a final time as he kissed her cheek then let his lips linger for a moment near her ear so he could whisper into it.

"And if he does wrong by you or that baby I'll go after him for you. Don't worry; your secret is safe with me. Though you should tell him Serena, he deserves to know that he's the lucky guy chosen to have a baby with Serena Van der Woodsen."

With a final whisper he backed away from her still holding onto her hand lightly. Their fingers weren't laced as they had always seemed to be when she had Dan's, she and Jenns had never gotten close enough for the pair to be remotely like what she and Dan had had once upon a time.

"Good-bye Jenns, and thank you for real"

Hormonal tears were slipping down her cheeks already, they weren't something she could stop, as much as she would have liked to. It seemed like she was a sap at everything nowadays. She brushed the tears from her eyes as she watched him pick up his things and advance into the school leaving her to think about what her next move would be.

_**We'll write a song  
That turns out the lights  
When both boy and girl start suddenly shaking inside  
Don't waste your time  
Speed up your breathing  
Just close your eyes  
We'll hope it's not for nothing at all**_

His hands were shaking and he wasn't sure why, it was a lie, he knew it had to be a lie. Serena wasn't pregnant, she couldn't have been pregnant. Serena wasn't the same person she'd once been, rather she was careful what she did and who she did it with now. She was the woman he loved, she wouldn't have let his happen. Dan's mind was so full of thoughts he'd walked into the lavish front door of The Palace, went up too many floors rather then stopping on hers, and then on top of it all he'd nearly left the peanut butter sandwiches he'd made in the cab he'd taken. But now as he raised his hand to knock on the door he wanted to half freeze, what if she really was pregnant, what if he really was losing the only girl he would ever really love to some fucking Lacrosse player.

It hadn't taken her long to answer the door and as soon as she did so an instant smile swept his face, no matter what she was absolutely beautiful. Her hair was back in a messy pony tail and she was completely makeup free. His eyes traveled her only to notice she was standing there in his sweatpants and white tee shirt, ipod in one hand, Snickers candy bar in the other.

"Hey"

Her mouth was full of candy as she spoke the best she could, considering the mouthful. Dan's eyes were glued to her face, more than anything he wanted to kiss her, to taste the chocolaty peanut taste, share food with her like they once did, as twisted as it sounded. If he thought about it really hard he could still remember tasting the sweet taste of the chocolate covered strawberry on the bus that day. Part of him felt like it was a life time ago.

"Hi"

Awkward and somewhat shyly his face met her's there was still a sparkle there between them as she moved back out of the way allowing him to enter the suite. He did so as soon as she moved to allow him. She could tell he seemed nervous as he fiddled with the brown paper bag in his hand and bit the inside of his cheek. He was close enough to her for a moment to breath in the sweet scent of Patchouli and Lilies, Serena's signature scent. If he hadn't had Amanda to think about and she hadn't have had Jenns there was no doubt in his mind that he would have picked her up to carry her to the couch and pin her down underneath him. But they couldn't do that anymore.

"Can't say I was expecting you here"

She referred to his stolen clothing, they were some of the most comfortable things in his closet. Not to mention if she tried really hard she swore she could still smell his scent on them. The scent she longed for.

"Wasn't sure if I would find you here to be honest, and since when do you need to have makeup and clothes on to see me? I've seen you first thing in the morning before you've even brushed your teeth Serena."

His cheeks were the slightest shade of pink as he said it and they both knew he was lingering on moments like that. All of the nights she'd carelessly lay in his arms with nothing on at all, hair sex mused, and body sweaty. She just wished he was there to hold back her hair when she threw up every morning. She could still remember her and Blair's talks when they were younger. How Blair's ideal part of pregnancy was having her husband paint her toe nails and still having the most fashionable clothes, whereas Serena's had simply been for him to be there holding her hair back from her face during morning sickness. It all seemed so childish now that she'd chosen to go through it all alone.

"So, uh… what brings you here?" She didn't exactly want to cut straight to the chase since she knew once they did there would be no going back to being civil. Damn Gossip Girl for always making new problems arise.

"I got, well everyone I guess got a text message this morning?"  
The words coming off of his tongue felt strange to him, he mostly wished that the text message had been in his nightmares. It very well could have been with its subject matter.

"I didn't think… I wouldn't have believed. You and Jenns. I um… sex?"  
Had everything not been so tense she might have found it in her to laugh at his nervous rambling, his flushed cheeks, and his obvious jealousy that he so clearly expressed with his clenched fists. Instead she glanced at him quickly before beginning to pace.

"Well I wouldn't have expected you to believe the rumors."  
Not turned to face him she was a little hurt without meaning to be, her hormones liked to play games and make her emotions crazy lately. She snapped when she didn't mean to snap, she cried when she didn't mean to cry, pregnancy was driving her crazy.

"I never said I did I just…"  
He shuttered out nervously his eyes locked on her as she hostilely twisted the bottom of her shirt in either annoyance or frustration he wasn't quite sure.

"Dan, you wouldn't be here to ask if you didn't see some truth to them." As he re thought about it she was completely right, he was just as no good as the rest of the people that would tomorrow invade her privacy and pry to see if there was any truth to the rumor. He couldn't have felt more guilty as he watched her sit down and hug a pillow close to her chest resting her head on it.

"Serena, I'm sorry"  
Putting his hand absentmindedly on her knee she jerked it away, she didn't even want him to touch her, he couldn't touch her when she wanted so bad to sob to him and confess that she was in fact pregnant and the baby was most definitely one hundred percent his. But on the other hand his accusations and thoughts pushed her even further from telling him.

"No, you're the one that's not supposed to be like the rest… Dan you're not…"  
What she was doing and what she was thinking suddenly nothing was clear to her as she was leaning into him, meeting his lips with her own. For a brief moment time stood still as her lips pulled his bottom into her mouth and his hands slipped around her waist. The moment their lips parted and their tongues met everything felt blissful and right. Neither one of them was thinking as she let him push her backwards and pin her under him on the couch. It was a meeting of the minds in blankness and passion as nothing else mattered but one another. Then as his hands slowly started to slip from her back to her hips Serena's mind snapped back to the present. She ended the kiss immediately and jerked her body away from him as he stood up right away, his hand situated over his mouth as they looked at one another blankly.

"I um… I, you need to go"  
Breathing was suddenly difficult as her mind tried to work and process what they'd just done, how she'd kissed him without thinking about how Amanda would feel if she found out. God forbid he'd noticed the very slight bump and asked about it, it was something he most definitely couldn't find out about.

"Yea um… I think I'd better"  
Agreeing he was just as shaken up as she was as he ran his finger over his lips, her taste still on his mouth, the feel of her still under his fingertips. He walked to the door and opened it.

"Another thing, I don't… I don't think we should talk to each other anymore."  
The words killed her to expel out of her mouth, the thought of not looking at his face or hearing any words come out of his mouth intended for her was a thought she absolutely hated but if that's what it took to give him up and make sure that he got the things he needed like moving on, so be it, it was what she had to do.  
He turned around quickly, he didn't want her to see just how much it was killing him. She'd been his dream girl since 05 and suddenly she was pushing him from her life. Soon as the door shut behind him he sunk down against the wood, not knowing that on the other side of the door she'd done the same exact thing.

They both had the same hurt-filled tears sliding down their cheeks.

_**We'll write a song (we'll write a song)  
That turns out the lights (turns out the lights)  
When both boy and girl start suddenly shaking inside  
(Nothing at all)  
Don't waste your time  
Speed up your breathing  
(Nothing at all)  
Just close your eyes  
We'll hope it's not for nothing at all  
Nothing at all**_


	6. Two wrongs are never right

Author's note: huge huge huge thanks to Cali for reading this all the way through and correcting it all before I posted it. And the reason you guys aren't getting updates so quickly is because they're longer then the updates you usually get. And the fact that I have scattered what I write, I honestly have parts from like chapter 12 and 17 done and perfected. That I know you all will love. Remember if you guys have any suggestions or requests leave them in a review, I love hearing them. Your reviews are like candy and I love reading them. Thank you for all the help Lauren and I can't wait to finish the next chapter too. The song is Holiday by Boys Like Girls

* * *

_**When I was younger I used to be wild  
As wild as an elephant's child  
No one could hold me down  
No one could keep me around  
Now it's your turn, take a shot  
Baby show me everything that you got  
Maybe you can keep me alive  
Maybe you can get in my mind  
But it's only a matter of time  
**_

* * *

She'd been sitting in the same spot for fifteen minutes, fifteen long agonizing moments. Where her fingertips remained on her lips, she could still feel his mouth on her own and all it made her want to do was break down and cry. She'd been so out of it lately, since she'd found out she was pregnant, things with herself had changed drastically. She didn't smile much, she didn't eat well, and she cried more then she ever had in her life. For those few moments of Dan being there, of him kissing her, of them almost going further, all she wanted was more. She needed and craved his touch, her secrets were so heavy, and the fact that they literally resided under her heart made it just that much harder.

Stopping crying wasn't so easy in the past few weeks; it was about as easy as watching everyone around her smile and laugh. Smiles and laughs seemed like something only reserved for those who weren't her. None of it was fair and she'd brought it all upon herself. As she pulled herself up from leaning against the door she knew it. The one her lack of eating, sleep, and emotions were hurting the most for was in fact that little one under her heart. She'd been so unglued and scared since Lily had confirmed her suspicions with the pregnancy test results, then to have the doctor just two days ago lecture her about the wellness that came with being twelve weeks along had made it sink in just that much more. She was carrying a piece of Dan around with her no matter where she went.

Up until now she had been too afraid to acknowledge the baby in any way, almost as though if she did, it too would be ripped away from her just like all other good things had been. It was one of her many issues, feeling like once something went right something to follow would go wrong. Today as she pulled herself up from leaning against the door after her and Dan's fight she decided that maybe it was time she finally had a heart to heart with her little reason for not jumping off into the deep end.  
Walking to the bay window overlooking the city below, she curled herself up in a chair thinking about the afternoon's fight. She had told him that she and Jenns hadn't had sex, but she'd never once said she wasn't pregnant. He'd just assumed that she wasn't. She wasn't sure whether to be happy he hadn't pried any more or disappointed that she was still the one with the secret. Either way it didn't change anything, she was still having their baby.

"Hey bug"

Her cloudy vision, warm voice, shaky hand, she suddenly blurted out as her head shifted down toward, her hand rested on top of, and her voice spoke to the tiny bump. She'd put on four pounds in three months of pregnancy so far; she was told it would be normal and ok as long as she gained a pound a week from sixteen weeks on. She'd never been this not herself in her life, it was almost scary to her.

"Now I know you heard my conversation with Dan… nope wait I guess calling him that to you wouldn't really be right now would it? Something tells me he wouldn't like you calling him Dan. He's your… well, he's daddy."

Calling him daddy for some strange reason felt so right to her, like the way things were heading were just the way they were supposed to be. The two of them as parents together, eventually, when Dan had accomplished everything he'd been so ready to start.  
"Bug, I don't want you to hate me because it's just you and me ok? This is the way it has to be for now. Your daddy, he's special and he needs to show the rest of the world that too. Just like he planned to do before you decided to pop up. I can't say that I was… no wait, Mommy can't say she was expecting you. Because, well that's me bug, I'm your mommy"

A five letter word had never made her tear up as much as the word 'mommy', using it to describe herself just made it all just that much more real. There was really something inside of her. Not something but someone, a little someone that she would love without question forever. It all felt so unreal, scary and exhilarating at the same time.

She closed her eyes to stop the tears, but doing so only made them form properly and roll down her cheeks. She clenched her eyelids shut and bit her lower lip, trying desperately not to cry. Serena felt as if she owed it to the baby to prove that everything would be ok, they would get through it all. She didn't want to cry out loud and give away the fact that she was terrified of all that lay ahead of her and her little one. She slid her hand under her shirt and slowly rubbed a circle around the bump, her hand longing for his on top of it. What she would give to have him there, laying behind her his warm body pressed against her own, breathing on her neck, his soft hand moving with hers, feeling what they'd created together. She wouldn't be crying if that were the case.

"For now though Bug, you have to trust mommy to do the right thing. Even if it means putting someone else's needs in front of ours, because at least we have one another. That's a lot more than some people have. But I um… I love you bug, I love you and your daddy very much. That's why we need to let him go. To let him be happy ok?"

Confidence in what she had to do was the only thing getting the words out of her mouth, letting him have all the things he wanted and not getting in the way of it all by pushing a child into his lap was the only thing she could do to contribute. To conceal the fact that she had the power to hold everything up for him, she'd been so ready and so wanting with him. Every bit of him from the beginning, yet she didn't want to bring him to this part of it all so soon.

"I'm sorry I can't give you more than this, that I can't give you both mommy and daddy. But Bug, I'm doing the best I can here. I'm sorry if it's not enough, and I'm sorry if I screw it all up. You have to know that I'm going to try my best though, I'm sorry if it's not enough. I just want to do the best I can ok? Starting right now I'm going to push something in your brain, something I need you to remember. Daddy loves you, and it's my fault he's not around, but he does he really does, and if you want to blame anyone for him not being here it's me ok? I'm sorry bug."

She removed her hand from her stomach and wiped her tear stained eyes, she could tell it would be the first of many heart to hearts she'd have with her little bug. For now Serena needed to go somewhere or talk to someone that would make her feel like her choice about not telling him was the right thing to do. There was only one person that wouldn't think she was crazy for her decisions, one other person that knew how much his future meant to him. She just hoped the person could see past their differences and be on her side for once.

* * *

_Before I run far away  
I need to take a holiday  
Maybe it's a fall from grace  
I gotta find a new place  
A holiday  
I'll set off on a new chase  
I gotta see a new face  
I need to take a holiday_

* * *

The sticky syrupy coating on the tabletop was the reason for her certain resentment for children of any age. The mother that had come in over an hour and a half ago had had three little monsters clinging to her legs as they'd all whined and complained that they wanted pancakes with extra syrup, chocolate milk, and chocolate jimmies. There'd been so much noise and confusion in the small café when it was normally so quite and relaxed. The mother and the children came in once a week every week and ordered the same thing with the same fuss and confusion. She wouldn't have minded taking care of the table and serving the mother and children if it were a normal afternoon with them. A normal afternoon with them coming in would have consisted of them walking in the door and her throwing Dan a dirty mocking look as he sat sipping his coffee and studying for a test. A test for which he'd suddenly stop studying to help her, regardless if he worked there or not. He'd bring the milk over and wow the children as he added chocolate syrup and turned the milk from white to light brown. He'd put extra whipped cream on the pancakes and a dash of it on all three of the kids noses making them cackle with laughter. But very unlike Dan, he'd abandoned her for the afternoon. She'd dealt with the table all alone and they'd all complained ten times worse. How and why Dan was so good with children she couldn't figure out. Dark brown curls fell from the pin they'd been back in and doused themselves in the gooey brown maple and she nearly gagged. Why she was having such a cruddy day she didn't understand. Shaking her head as she leaned over the table to scrub up more of the cleaning stuff she'd sprayed and the syrup, her phone started to vibrate and before she could play a balancing act to catch it, it fell into the goopy mess.

"What the fuck"

She muttered angrily as she picked the phone up between two fingers suddenly pissed at whoever was on the other end. Without question her first and only thought was it had to be Dan no one else called her during work. Holding up the soppy phone she gingerly pressed the talk button and held the phone as close to her ear as she could without it touching. "You better have a damn good reason for not showing up here today, and hanging out with friggen Vanessa Hudgens or what ever her naive little face is sure as hell is not going to cut it. I seriously think I liked you better with Barbie and the Priss Bitch" She couldn't have cared less if they fought anymore, Dan hadn't been himself since his latest breakup with Serena and she couldn't decide who she didn't like more for it. Serena for changing him or Dan for falling in love; they were both equally dumb to her. Yet part of her wanted to admit it was only because she'd been to in love with Dan herself to give Serena a chance, the still-bitter part of her refused to knowledge that fact.  
Hearing the sniffling on the other end she knew right away that it couldn't have been Dan. Instead the voice that answered her made her hold the phone away from her for a moment and look at it like it was some alien device. What the hell was she thinking calling? Vanessa wasn't even nice to her half the time. It was her and her world that had ruined Dan and partly influenced Vanessa herself.

"No Dan is not with me, why do you even care where Dan is?"

She barked out at the voice on the other line regardless of how broken up she sounded. When Serena had broken up with Dan again Vanessa had lost any slight bit of trust and feeling for her that she'd had in the first place. Hearing the blonde's whispered voice and her question equally confused Vanessa till Serena stepped through the glass door and into the café.

Vanessa had never seen the UES beauty queen looking so ordinary and down, yet somehow even in sweats and a tee shirt she was different then the rest of them. Her hair was back in a messy bun, her eyes were blotchy and red, if this was Serena whining over her and Dan's break up Vanessa felt no remorse, they ended it together.

"Just the person I want to see to make my day even worse"

Leaving her rag on the table she'd been cleaning, she shut her sticky phone and put it down, walking from the table to the sink behind the counter to get the syrup out of her hair. The whole time she continued to glance up at Serena she couldn't have looked more miserable then she did at the moment. It actually made Vanessa a little worried.

"Sorry V I just… I didn't know where else to go. I need someone to talk to."

Vanessa raised her eyebrow at Serena, what was this? The day from hell? First she put up with three annoying brats and now here she was to deal with the life size Barbie doll. She rolled her eyes slightly as she squeezed the last bit of water out of her hair and walked back to the sitting area to take a seat across from Serena. The customers were all gone and there really wasn't much left for Vanessa to do.

"I know I'm not your favorite person in the world but I needed someone to talk to. Someone that… I don't know, wouldn't think I was crazy.  
Serena hesitated as she looked down at the table and her hands played with the bottom of Dan's shirt she'd left on.

"Blondie if you're here because you're in love with Dan, you've come to the wrong place because I'm not helping with any of that…"

Vanessa cut off the rest of her sentence soon as she saw Serena shake her head and start to go through her bag. When she finally tossed out the Dartmouth course book Vanessa looked at her like she was crazy.

"You need me to help you apply to college?"  
Yawning she clicked her nails on the table top then looked down to inspect the chips in the table waiting for Serena to speak again.

"There is so much there he needs to go for, so many reasons and opportunities he needs to go for. Once he's there there's no stopping him."

As thought listening to Amanda complain as he filled out his application to send in the night before sitting in the same spots hadn't been enough now she needed to listen to the ex-girlfriend do it also? Didn't anyone care, didn't it matter that she was losing her best friend also? Since when had she become so much of nothing?

"Serena do you have a point with all of this? Because I think you should be taking this up with him not me. I have no influence over Dan."

Rolling her eyes again at the blonde she stood up this time and picked up a glass plate off the table beside them to carry to the back of the café and take care of. She wished that someone would come in and give her a reason to stop talking about it all completely. Or even that her movie date for the night would come to rescue her early.

"I'm trying to justify my reasons in not telling him he's… um.. in not telling him that… Dan's going to be"

Vanessa turned back to her glass plate still in hand as she waited for Serena to finish her sentence. Normally Serena didn't shut up and suddenly she couldn't get words out of her mouth. This was very un like the Serena she'd watched with Dan so often.

"You know Serena, I think you better stick with guitar hero because your speaking skills suck."  
She was sure Serena hadn't heard her as she still looked like she was deep in conversation thinking about how to get the words to actually roll off of her tongue. Waiting a few moments longer Vanessa finally give up as she once again started to head to the sink.

"Dan's gonna be a father Vanessa, I'm pregnant"

Serena blurted out for the first time to anyone, it still felt so strange to say. In a way it relieved her, the fact that it was Vanessa she was talking to rather then Blair. Blair would have criticized on her choice of Dan, Vanessa how ever would complain about their carelessness. It was too late for both complains and debates, however, there was a baby coming whether it had been planned or not.

Vanessa couldn't believe her ears as she dropped the glass plate and let it smash to the floor. She couldn't be serious, her Dan was going to be a father? The best friend she used to make eat mud pies, peg soccer balls at, and dress up like a girl just to take silly videos of him. That Dan was going to be someone's father. None of it seemed or felt possible to her; maybe her terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day was just that. Yet for some reason as Serena bent down to pick up the pieces of shattered glass from the plate, Vanessa suddenly snapped into over-protective mode as she knelt down and gently pushed Serena's hands away from the glass. She knew very well that Dan would have Serena up on a higher pedestal by now if he knew. That included not allowing her to get cut on glass.

After the plate was all cleaned away and Vanessa had nearly begged Serena to sit back down, with two cup of hot chocolate garnished with candy cane bits each, she made her way to the table Serena had picked to sit at. Vanessa had been completely silent since Serena had spilled her news.

"Well I have to say none of this was anything that I was expecting."  
Vanessa shook her head as she placed the cup down in front of Serena and then sat across from her. If someone had told Vanessa that only a year after she'd chased Dan around because she was still in love with him he'd be on the verge of having his own family she wouldn't ever have believed them.

"V, I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm putting all this on you, I just can't keep it all to myself and I think that out of everyone you can see my point for why I'm doing what I'm doing. So please give me a chance and hear me out."

Serena's hand was shaking, if any of this went wrong or if Vanessa didn't agree with her Dan would know in a matter a seconds, and the thought of that scared her. She wasn't ready for Dan to know. She didn't yet have a plan on how to get him to not give up his dreams, and she'd befriended Amanda. Amanda would be completely torn apart if Dan left her. Serena herself knew what it was like to lose Dan, and the pain wasn't something she wanted to push on anyone.

"First of all I'm not doing any of this because I don't think Dan would be a good father. Because I know he would be, I mean, we casually talked about the future, or I've seen him in the park. I mean, I know that this baby is more than lucky all because it has him, but I just… I can't do it. I can't ruin his life and I can't let Amanda go through what I have gone through. Losing him is the hardest thing I've ever been… I'm sorry, I shouldn't…"

The look in Vanessa's eyes caused her to trail off and stop talking, there was a mutual feeling about the loss of Dan in them. Serena then remembered she'd done the same thing to Vanessa just the year before, there was truly no way she could do it again to someone else.

"Well how selfless of you, but Serena I don't think this is really your choice to make. It took the both of you to get pregnant, he's part of this child's life whether he's the one you picked for the job or not, this isn't a place where you have a choice Serena."

Everything she was saying were things that Serena had already known, but it still didn't change Serena's mind regarding any of it. She still felt like Dan deserved better then anything she could give him, after everything she'd already put him through. The sarcasm in Vanessa's voice wasn't making any of it any easier to deal with either.

"None of this is because I don't think he'd be a good father, or because I don't want him to be the baby's father because more then anything I want him to be at my appointments with me, I want him there to hold my hair back when I'm sick in the mornings. I would love it if he could be there to go through this all with me. But the truth is he's so much better then that. Dan's so much better then everything that I've put him through, and it's not fair to him that I keep dragging him down along with me. I want him to go to Dartmouth, get the job he wants, and to be happy. And I mean eventually he'll know that this baby is his but right now I just want it to be my secret till I can figure more things out. Until I know that I'm not going to hurt him or anyone around him anymore."

It was the first time that Vanessa had actually seen the innocent, distressing, and heartbroken look in Serena's eyes. She could tell that Serena really did love Dan and care about what happened to him, after not trusting the girl to do anything more then to break his heart she knew that that had been the wrong side of Serena she could have seen. Serena too had fallen in love with Dan, but Vanessa could also tell she was sincere with not wanting to put him through anymore then what she had.

"You do plan on telling him though right? I don't mean right now but eventually. He has a right to know that he's having a child."

Vanessa didn't keep secrets from Dan, but this wasn't hers to tell, even she could respect that. Maybe there really were two UES's that were selfless in their actions.

"Of course I do, V, I know this isn't coming across really well but I love him. I love him more than anyone else in the world. I can't decide if my heart is breaking more at the thought of not being with him or of stalling his life with a baby. I didn't expect this, a baby was totally not in my plans. I was totally set on helping out overseas next year, not taking care of a baby. But I also have to say that I don't regret a second of this. I don't think having this baby is a regret and I think I'd have more regrets if I didn't have the baby."

Every word that came out of Serena's mouth was coming from her heart and Vanessa could tell. By the tone of her voice and by the look in her eyes, it was all clear that she really did honestly love Dan, more than they both could have expected.

"Well S, I have to say that Chuck's gonna be awfully disappointed that you can't come drink with us at Victrola."

Both of the girls looked up when Nate's voice interrupted their thoughts. His smooth smile shown every time he clicked his gum in his mouth. He was dressed casually, like the perfect movie date, with a handful of daisies included. He leaned over Vanessa and kissed her cheek placing the flowers in her hands and she rolled her eyes at him. Serena had to all but put her hand over her mouth to stop from 'awing' out loud.

"I told you, you didn't have to bring me flowers."

She sighed getting up and leaving her conversation with Serena as was. Without saying it with words they both knew that Vanessa was going to keep her secret for her.

"Yeah but when you won't take anything else I bring you, what other choice do I have V, I wanted to bring you something. You deserve it for all that you put up with me."

With a quick hello kiss to Serena's cheek he rubbed her hand before following Vanessa around the corner. After their quick break up and then their summer with a miserable best friend each they'd decided to court it a little more, give their romance a try.

"I put up with your ass only because I want to endure the torture. Apparently, you're not that bad."  
Nate smiled at her response; he was completely falling for her wits and sass.

"But you do have to do me one favor"

Her navy eyes looked at him then over to Serena who was carelessly looking out the window, head leaning on her hand.

"Get her home safely, tuck her in for the night and watch over her. I'll call you when I'm done studying for the test I have tomorrow."

* * *

_**My father, he was always wise  
As wise as an elephant's eyes  
He couldn't hold me down  
He couldn't keep me around  
So are you gonna take your shot?  
It's the only one that you got  
Maybe I'll go out on a limb  
Maybe I'll jump in for a swim  
When the lights go dim**_

* * *

She'd fallen asleep on his shoulder in the town car, the last time he'd seen his best friend this warn out was when she was eleven and she'd begged and pleaded with Lily to let her go to a soccer tournament. Somehow the blonde had managed to get in the middle of it all and actually participate as Blair sat on the sidelines picking at her nails. She was always a wonder to him, how she could be so reckless and uncaring about everything when Blair was her best friend.

"S, hey we're here. Wake up ok?"

Nate shook her a little bit as he picked her up and exited the limo. The sun was falling and the November weather was beginning to get cooler. Had it been a little bit cooler he swore there would have been snow on the ground that was one of the perks about the city.

Still in a haze of sleep she stood up on her own two feet, one of her hands holding onto his as he held the small of her back for more support. He'd always been there for her, and not freaking out in the café on her had proved even more that he would be there for her. As he guided her to the elevator without saying a word she knew he wasn't judging her. The person that she was afraid to tell the most besides Dan was Blair, because that was exactly where the judging would begin.

"Natie, you should have gone with V. I promise I'm fine."

She said casually as she leaned her head on his shoulder and yawned. She was always tired the past few months, fatigue had been something that was completely not her until now.

"No Serena, I wasn't going to let you take a cab home by yourself looking as torn apart as you already look. I still can't believe you didn't tell me months ago."

Nate's lecturing made her sigh and stretch her arms above her head, Nate's habit of treating her like a child was back. She rubbed her sleepy eyes and walked to the doors of the elevator when it stopped.

"I'm fine really, I promise. Plus it's not like I've known for that long. I'm twelve weeks, when you think of all the rest I have to go through twelve sounds like nothing."

She shrugged as Nate put his hands on her shoulders and led her threw the doors and down the hallway. As always Serena took everything with ease and patience, like it wasn't a life changing thing or anything.

"You're pregnant S, this isn't just something little…"

The sound of someone clearing their throat made them both stop and turn around Serena tightened her grip on Nate's shirt but as Blair came into view she calmed down a little bit, at least it wasn't Dan.

"Pregnant S? I thought you told me differently this morning"

Serena swallowed hard and bit the inside of her lip as her mind formed a response for the question. Usually she wasn't one to stand up to Blair and not play into her little games but today was a different day, and a new Serena.

"Well actually B, I told you that I hadn't slept with Jenns. I never said that I wasn't pregnant. It's not like I can say anything at school without GG being all over me."

Blair still looked overly annoyed as she looked back and forth between Serena and Nate as though trying to pin something on Nate also. As much as she loved Blair she knew that Blair always tried to over dramatize everything, and this situation was not going to be an exception to that.

* * *

_**You know I'll run far away  
I need to take a holiday  
Maybe it's a fall from grace  
I gotta find a new place  
A holiday  
I'll set off on a new chase  
I gotta see a new face  
I need to take a holiday**_

* * *

Blair had finally left before the clock had ticked ten, a time that Nate was ready to throw everyone out with their bickering anyways. As he finally shut the door with the last of them he turned back to Serena who lay completely emotionless on her lounge. After the day she'd had he couldn't blame her. His best friend was going to be someone's mother, and when he thought about it, it was strange to him. He could still remember playing around with her in the playground.

Without hesitation he advanced forward to her and kneeled down taking her hand in his own. She's always been the same, his sweet, sassy, partly broken Serena and he'd been the one to see her through it all. If he had to he'd be there for this, if she didn't want Dan around she'd need someone around. He was her best friend and she had always been his biggest confidant. They'd lost all of that with their one night of silly passion, but somewhat regained it away during the summer. She was still the same girl, the girl his heart missed.

"Come on Serena, I'll put you to bed"

He whispered into her ear as he bent over and swept her up in his arms liked he'd done so many times to throw her into the water. Serena was so different to Blair, he wasn't afraid with Serena, that she'd break soon as he touched her. Maybe that was because she was the child who used to willingly sit there and eat mud after soccer games while Blair pointed her out as gross. Or it could have been the way she'd skin her knees and bleed yet continued on her game like it hadn't happened. There were moments rowing up where Serena was more of the little boy then Chuck was, Chuck who was too worried about his shoes or his bow tie to participate.

She obliged right away and wrapped her arms securely around his neck, burying her face along also. He could smell the lavender and lilies with just a simple inhale and it reminded him of the photos of the three in the bath that clogged up most photo albums. They'd been that close forever.  
Laying her down on the all white eyelet bed he kicked off his own shoes and crawled in beside her letting her curl herself close to his chest. She had always been the one to sleep in the middle, he and Blair took the parent roles on the outside. Pushing her hair back from her face he leaned in and kissed her forehead as bright green eyes popped open.

"Are you scared S?"

It was obvious in her eyes, and he already knew the answer to the question but Nate being Nate needed to hear it out of her mouth. Part of Nate couldn't believe it was all true.

"Petrified Natie"

As she admitted it and said the nickname she'd grown up calling him, one she hadn't said since the night of the wedding she saw the smile cross his lips. It was something they'd missed, being so close, being best friends.

"You remember when we were little, hanging around in Central Park with our nannies? The days you and B decided that we had to play house. How B and I were always the parents, Chuck was the uncle and you S… you were always the baby"

He reminisced and she closed her eyes, she could see herself so clear, the blonde pig tails bouncing on her back, her light pink Bonpoint dress flaring out whenever she spun around. Blair was always the dainty one, the one that hated to get dirty, as opposed to Serena who could be covered in mud by the end of day.

"Saying that I'm not ready to have a baby Natie?"

She asked as she snuggled her body closer to him wrapping her arm around his chest, Nate was the one person Serena seldom gave a thought to. They'd grown up together and everything was just natural. She valued his opinions but if they were negative they didn't mean much to her, there was only one person Serena really cared about having an opinion for and that was Dan.

"Nope, not what I was saying at all, what I mean is you're going to be the best mother out of you and B. Because you understand what it is to be a child, and my niece or hopefully nephew, is very lucky to have you."

By the time he'd finished his sentence Serena was sound asleep in his arms.

* * *

_**A new start  
I've broken too many hearts  
And I don't have any clue where to go  
I don't know  
But maybe I'll be back someday after my holiday**_

* * *

At first when he'd called her cell phone she'd ignored it, she still wasn't sure how to keep a secret from him. They'd told one another everything since they were six. How was eighteen the time to start suddenly keeping secrets from one another? But when the calls started coming in faster and the messages got more and more pleading and desperate she had no other choice to pick up and respond to him. That was the reason she was now walking around Central Park in ripped jeans and her Wicked sweatshirt, one of the very few things she'd ever done with her artist parents had been going to see the play. Nonetheless it was one of the warmest things she had on a cool November night. The lengths she went to for her best friend.

She spotted him right away in the moonlight, he was sitting on a bench by the lake. It was the bench she'd said many a time was his thinking spot. She stood there just watching his every move for a second, how deep in concentration he was at the water, the way his hands were curled into fists, nothing about Dan Humprey was ever not complex. Now adding a baby to the whole thing was just going to make it that much more confusing for him. A flash in her head let her see him, a satin white blanket in his arms as he looked down with the picture perfect smile on his face. The smile that lit his features whenever Serena walked into a room, she'd been so jealous of them to begin with. Until she learned what it was like to see a smile like that directed at her, who would have thought that hers would have come from Nate Archibald? Vanessa could see Dan being a father, and a good one at that. She just hoped that Serena saw it soon too, before he missed all the special moments.

"Dan?"

Her hand on his shoulder made him break his concentration and jump, not that he hadn't been expecting her, he was just wrapped up in his own mind he didn't know she was there.

"Last time I sat here Serena's past began to stalk me"

Not looking up at her he began to speak what was on his mind, since their kiss that afternoon Dan hadn't felt ok. Even in the simple kiss he'd poured his emotion into her. He wasn't even sure what he wanted her to say to it. Maybe that she couldn't pretend any longer and that she needed him just as bad as he needed her. But that wasn't the way things had happened, instead he was left feeling like the cheat. Part of him wanted to tell Amanda what he'd done, to explain to her that he couldn't play games anymore. When he'd gone to see her though, the way her pretty smile had lit up as soon as she saw his face he couldn't do it to her. She seemed so happy to be with him and he didn't even know why. He wasn't what she deserved. She was a good girl and his heart was already taken. After his conversation with Serena earlier in the morning however he knew that she didn't feel the same way anymore, that they weren't forever.

"Serena has a lot of secrets, I'm not gonna lie"

Nodding her head Vanessa agreed. Only she knew the biggest one. She also knew how important it was to Serena that she keep it secret.

"I'm tired of her games V, I can't do it anymore… I don't want to do it anymore."

His mind was completely torn and the way his jaw clenched made him feel even guiltier. He had memories of cheating on her, of letting Georgina go down on him, everything felt so open suddenly, like old wounds were bleeding.

"Maybe there's more than meets the eye with Serena. Maybe she has reasons to be the way she is Dan. Maybe she pushes you away to protect you rather then to hurt you more."

Dan was completely confused, Vanessa hated Serena and suddenly here she was defending her. That was just one of the many things that made no sense in his mind but he couldn't dwell on it. The only thing he knew he needed to dwell on was putting Serena in his past and working to get his heart back from her since she so obviously didn't want it anymore.

"No, she's a selfish bitch that only ever thinks about herself. Or else she wouldn't have dragged my heart into falling in love with her."  
Anger and frustration were both taking over now, he had no control over the things he was saying or thinking. All he wanted was to be lying in bed at the loft with her so contently in his arms, his hands running through her silky blonde hair, her warm even breath on his neck as she slept. He would have given anything to be with her.

"Why do you have to start forever or whatever now Dan? Why can't you just humor her and go to college like she wants you to. She wants you to be happy and she doesn't trust herself enough to make you happy right now."

Defending Serena hadn't ever been something Vanessa liked or wanted to do but suddenly she felt like she needed to. Like maybe she actually deserved Dan to be there for her in a non-judging way.

"Forever? No, don't put Serena and I in the forever sentence. If she wanted us forever then she wouldn't have broken it off in the first place. I didn't come down here for you to defend her, you're my best friend, and you're supposed to be on my side V. Thanks a lot for the vote of confidence."

Dan stood up and threw his arms up accusingly; he was so off-track from their kiss, from looking at her in his sweats and tee shirt. Why couldn't he just have wrapped his arms around her and held her? Even if it had only been for a little while. She was all he wanted and she didn't want the same thing. He hated that.

"I don't feel like listening to any of this, I'll talk to you tomorrow"

Without another word he turned from her and headed out of the park leaving Vanessa still cold in the November air.

* * *

_When I was younger I used to be wild  
As wild as an elephant's child  
And I don't think I'll ever change  
I think I'm gonna stay the same_

* * *


	7. This is my final goodbye

Author's Note: I'm so so so sorry that it's been so long since an update. But it's here now! Chapter 8 is already going pretty well also, just to get you excited I'll tease. Anyways, this chapter is a FLASH FORWARD and hopefully you all notice that. I don't want anyone getting lost or confused. This chapter is all thanks to **Calie,** without her you all would not have a chapter right now I was so stuck. Everything is fine with me now so you'll be getting all updates on stories soon! I promise. Secondhand Serenade's Broken is the featured song here. So thank you for all of your reviews, you know I love them! Keep them coming! It makes me want to write more! Enjoy!

_**In the moonlight  
Your face it glows  
Like a thousand diamonds  
I suppose  
And your hair flows like  
The ocean breeze  
Not a million fights  
Could make me hate you  
You're invincible  
Yeah, It's true  
It's in your eyes  
Where I find peace**_

Marilyn had watched the whole scene unfold, watching the young father saying goodbye to his daughter; her heart broke for him. Every word out of his mouth was so pure and genuine, she could see just how much he loved both his daughter and her mother. Serena, she could tell thought her actions were out of love for him, she'd stated that to the newborn plenty of times. She just couldn't see it slowly was killing him. If she just put it all aside for a moment and looked into Dan's chocolate colored eyes she would have been able to tell that it took everything he had to stand at the window during the day and watch from behind the glass. Marilyn could even tell that the boy was a true gentleman, and on top of everything he was determined to put Serena first. Even if that meant falling to pieces himself.

The little one hadn't stopped screaming since her father had placed her back down in the isolate, her hearty screams were turning into wheezes and there was only one thing that could be done about it. Being the head and chief of the NICU and maternity ward at the hospital was never an easy job, and Marilyn grew attracted to many of her patients. Though there was something about this little family that she'd never seen before. All of the selfless acts that could also be seen as selfish and rude, she could only view them as heartbreaking and plainly the wrong thing to do. As Marilyn walked to Sariah's isolate she flipped a few switches next to it and leaned over the tiny child trying to slip the oxygen tubes up her nose without too much of a hassle. The fighter had already used up a good portion of her energy so she didn't kick or try to fight it off.

"I know precious, I know it hurts"

The women cooed as she took her eyes off of the baby for a moment to reach for an anti-bacterial swab. She rubbed Sariah's little arm with the swab and carefully but expertly inserted the IV into her arm. The sedative would knock her out for a few hours. A few hours her tiny little brain wouldn't have to look for her daddy, and wouldn't have to feel the worry and apprehensions as she lay in her mother's arms. Marilyn had been in the business long enough to know that's how babies worked. They could feel emotions and fears. For little Sariah Humphrey the fears of Serena Van der Woodsen were more then an average person could handle, never mind a newborn that was already struggling to keep her life her own.

_**Is it broken?  
Can we work it out?  
Let's light up the  
town, scream out  
loud!  
Is it broken?  
Can we work it out?  
I can see in your eyes  
You're ready to break  
Don't look away.**_

Serena had been watching from the glass window, how his arms held so protectively to the child they'd created together. Serena had seen their daughter's usually uptight and stiff body suddenly soften and relax in her daddy's arms. The connection the pair had already was incredible. It made Serena feel like she'd made the wrong decisions. Like Dan really should have been the one to first hold his daughter, to be with the both of them everyday. Then she thought about the big picture, how hurt and crushed Amanda would feel if Dan left her. She'd hurt so many people in the past; Nate fell in love with her and she broke his heart, she'd hurt Blair with everything, a countless number of other guys, and even Dan she'd hurt on more than one occasion. She couldn't do it to yet another person, she couldn't hurt anyone else. There was also the fact that Dan deserved his dreams, it was for certain in her mind that those dreams hadn't included him being such a young father.

"Hey princess"

Marilyn greeted Serena like she always did as the dejected blonde walked into the room with her head looking down and she dragged herself to take another step. In the beginning when Marilyn had nicknamed her "princess" for the way people catered to her as if she were some type of celebrity, she'd given her the title strictly out of spite. But after a while she saw it was because Serena had people that cared about her, and the girl herself was more then just an average teen mother. The way in which Serena acted toward her daughter, and told her all about her father and what he meant to the both of them, also made Marilyn feel right calling Serena "princess".

"I had to put her on oxygen, she was wheezing and I didn't want one of her lungs to collapse again. We saw what that was like last time. I gave her a sedative so she should be out for a while. She had a bottle so you're in the clear for three hours or so."

Serena just nodded her head as she stood over the isolate watching Sariah's closed innocent eyes. Everything about her reminded Serena of Dan; her little nose, her little ears… it was all little Humphrey. It was only a moment longer as she watched her newborn daughter sucking her thumb, before she looked over at the envelopes Dan had placed on the table before he'd left. She looked at the one on top before picking it up, and everything about his handwriting was so familiar. It was everything that she missed and everything that she wanted but wouldn't let herself have.

"Sweetie, why don't you take it and go sit over there to read. You'll be more comfortable."

Marilyn suggested as she pointed over to the recliner Dan had been sitting in previously. Serena walked over and hesitated to sit down, when she finally did she could feel the warm chair and it made her long to be in his arms even more. She told herself that she couldn't be as she sat down and unfolded (one word)the note. Serena noticed there were spots of writing where the words were hard to read from the writing bleeding, and that increased her hesitation to read the letter even more. They were from his tears to only soon be accompanied by her own.

_**So here we are now  
In a place where  
The sun blended  
With the ocean thin.  
So thin, we stand  
Across from each other  
Together we'll wonder  
If we will last these days  
If I asked you to stay  
Would you tell me  
You would be mine?**_

_**Serena,**_

_**It's been eight weeks and two days since you did the most miraculous thing that in my life has ever happened. I need you to know that holding your hand and being there while our daughter came into this world was the most breathtaking experience. Even with sweat running down your forehead and your hair all matted and frayed you looked absolutely perfect to me. Then there was that look in your eyes the moment the doctors made the announcement that we had a little girl. The look of pure shock, excitement, wonder, and honor that took over your features as you tried your best to see her tiny body. That was more amazing than words could ever begin to express Serena. You'd worked so hard at getting everything right, at protecting her, and in just a few moments I tore it all apart. I'm so sorry, and no matter what you try to tell me I'm still going to feel as if her being born so early was my fault. You have to admit that in a way it was. It's my stupid choices that put both you and her in this position.  
Everything you did in the past few months was to protect our daughter, our little girl, and you did so well doing that. I hate myself for not being apart of it all. For not taking every step of your pregnancy with you and holding your hand at the times you were afraid. This should never have been just yours alone to go through. I wish I had been there for doctors appointments to hear her heart beating, looking at her ultra sounds with you, seeing her grow before she even made her real appearance in the world. I missed so much of it already, and I hate the fact that I don't get to see anymore of it. Watching you everyday for the past two months and knowing that the little basketball shape under your shirt was because of us. As much as some people look down upon it, there's nothing more special or more beautiful about it. Seeing you that morning right out of the shower, you looked absolutely stunning. Everything about the baby bump fit you flawlessly and perfectly, just knowing that our child's heart was busy beating inside of you while you stood there just added to you're perfections.  
This morning, this morning I came to look at her. I know you know I've been here, you've seen how I stand behind the glass and watch her for hours at a time as the monitors track her heart beat on the screen, the way her little chest rises and falls. I hate the fact that she's in all of those machines and has all of those wires attached to her. I'd do anything for it to be different. This morning when I walked in to look I saw you. I know you saw me but I have to just tell you that looking at you sitting in the rocking chair feeding our daughter was a remarkable sight, Serena. Watching the look on your face as you looked down at her little mouth working away and the way she held tightly to your finger. Those are the moments in life that you never forget. I can tell you now that I will never forget that image, Serena.**_

_And time  
Is all I ask for  
Time  
I just need one more day  
And time  
You've been crying too long  
Time  
And your tears  
wrote this song  
Stay_

Her eyes began to well as she let all of the memories overtake her, the image of him knowing as soon as he spotted the bump in her stomach. He hadn't ever questioned her about it, there was never an issue of whether or not the baby was his. She could still recall the look of astonishment and delight that had been etched into his features. The thought of him finding out had scared her until it had happened, but as soon as it had happened Serena knew that the baby was the right choice. Getting pregnant even at seventeen was the best thing that had ever happened to her. That was all thanks to the fact that she really truly did love Dan Humphrey with everything in her. Even now as she looked over at the isolate she knew that everything that had happened was right, everything but keeping him blocked from their daughter's life. No matter what, Serena still felt like she needed to protect him and make him everything he wanted to be. Dartmouth meant everything to him, he'd worked so hard all of his life to go and study with the best. The full ride scholarship with early acceptance, and room and board included proved everything just that much more. There hadn't even been a need for her to call her grandmother and ask her to pull some strings, Dan had done it all on his own without the need of any assistance. She could feel Marilyn's eyes on her as she brushed away her tears and tried to read more of the letter.

_In the moonlight  
Your face it glows_

_**Saying this is the hardest thing I've ever written is by far the biggest understatement I've ever put in ink. There aren't enough words to convey the things I'm feeling right now. I know that some of them aren't right and they aren't fair to you because I trust you and your ability to make the best decisions, better then I ever could. But I can't say that I agree with them. Then again how can you expect me to agree with something that doesn't put you or our daughter in my arms? You are her mother and you have more authority over these things than I do. It still doesn't make it hurt any less. The only thing I can say is I know that she's in good hands with her mother and there isn't anyone better for the job. There isn't anyone else I would want to be the mother of my child. Thank you, thank you for having her. Jenny's made me watch more then my share of Lifetime movies over the course of her life to know that sometimes people aren't strong enough to handle it all. Thank you for deciding she was just as important to you as you both will always be to me. **_

_**God Serena, I feel like I'm standing in that elevator again watching your heart break to pieces because of me, and as I did then I know that there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it or put it on pause. It's my fault and you don't even know what that feels like. Only this time I'm not just losing you; I have a child involved in all of this. I'm losing the both of you and I hate myself for it. I don't know what I did to deserve this, or why any of this happened like this but I hate it. I wish you would just let me in. I didn't think I could ever feel worse then I did that day but this hurts so much more, and I don't understand it. I love you and I love her, can you not trust that? Is there something wrong with me saying it? Is it because every time it seems to come out of my mouth we're saying goodbye? I don't think I can handle this all Serena, and I don't want to. What's there left for me if you're not with me? I don't care to get up every day without you with me. You're the only thing I want Serena, you and our little girl. **_

_**I'm telling you that I have nothing left if you're not here. There have been so many nights since Christmas, so many nights that I've just laid in bed wishing you were with me. I hate the fact that I'm not with you, that I can't be there to hold your hand everyday and tell you everything's going to be alright. I haven't been able to get walking to the NICU with you to look at our daughter out of my head. She's so tiny yet so perfect; she takes after you already. The thought of not being able to watch her get bigger kills me Serena. My life means nothing if you're not in it. There isn't a reason for me to be around if you're not here, and now that even extends to the child we have together; our daughter, Serena. I don't have a reason to get up every day knowing that I can't have the two of you with me. She's my daughter too Serena, why can't you just see that? The fact that you can't see that kills me.**_

_**I don't want someone else being there for her to call "Daddy" or someone else there to see all of her firsts. I mean hell Serena, how am I supposed to look myself in the face when I don't even know the color of my own daughter's eyes? I don't even know what you've chosen to name her, you've sworn everyone to secrecy till you're ready, but what about me? Where is my say in all of this? That little girl is here because of me too you know, I'm the one that helped you to create her and damn it I just want to be there to see her grow up. To hear her say "dada" for the first time, I want to be her father. Seeing you with Nate kills me. Even if it is a cover up since he's with my so-called best friend every night. It's still not god damn fair that I can't be the one there for the two of you. Why won't you just let me do what I want to, to love the both of you the way you both deserve? How many times do I have to say it Serena? I love the both of you. **_

_**What I'm doing to Amanda is incredibly unfair. She shouldn't have to be with someone who doesn't love her. What I did and how I used her was something she never deserved. I shouldn't have done what I did and I will forever feel guilty and dirty about that. She shouldn't be put in the middle of our mess Serena, it's not fair to anyone involved. Especially when my heart belongs to you and it always will. She's not you Serena, nor will she ever be you. She doesn't laugh like you do, her smile doesn't light up a room like yours does… I'm in love with you Serena, plain and simple. She's not you, she doesn't have the aggressive tick like you do. She's not anything like you, no one would even come close to being you. You're everything Serena, plain and simple you're my everything. **_

_**If someone had told me a year ago that we'd be parents I would have looked at them and laughed, knowing that it was only a matter of time that you learned you were too good for me and left. I would have said that you would soon realize that beautiful, perfect, "everything girls" like yourself didn't belong with plain old Dan Humphrey. I don't believe I've ever in my life been so relieved that I was wrong. That's something I want you to know, that every second of what we had is on loop in my mind, along with a video that shows what we could have. There isn't a second of the day that you're not the one I want to be holding. The birthday party so many years ago now, I knew right then there was just something about you that I wouldn't be able to get off of my mind. Every time after that at school when I saw your beautiful face it proved it even more. I know as I told you on our first date I just thought you were hot, it was only semi-true. Ok so that's a lie, but I think I redeemed myself that night, actually not really the wave was pretty horrific. This letter isn't coming out the way I want it to so far, just reflects my rambling doesn't it? I can still recall holding your hand for the very first time. I never expected you to just grab my hand as we walked out of the club.**_

_**Getting into that fight with you at the Bass brunch is still something that haunts me. The way my selfishness has never been able to get over my insecurities and be the better man. I held you accountable for all your flaws and blamed money in the way of everything, as I've done a few times now. I'm so sorry for that. On a brighter note the night you laid in my arms was one of the first moments I knew that for the rest of my life that's what I wanted. To wake up and see your beautiful face, even when it's in the morning before you've gotten a chance to brush your teeth. I love you Serena, at every time of the day, and nothing is going to change that. **_

_**This however, is me backing off of you. This is me leaving you and our daughter alone. I guess in a way this is my goodbye to you letter, the other envelope is a story to my daughter. If you could please someday whenever you feel ready to give it to her, please give it to her. I'm not going to fight you when you don't want me here anymore, it's not fair to us or to our little girl for you to constantly be on edge. I'm not going to say I'm sorry for putting you in this whole mess because that would be a lie; I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry because I love that little girl with every bit of me, regardless of the fact that I won't get to see her everyday or maybe even at all. She's part of you and I couldn't ask for anything better than that. The only thing I am sorry for is the fact that I don't get to watch her every day. That I won't see her first smile, or hear her say her first words. The only thing I can hold onto and know for sure is that she's being taking care of. Because Serena, she has the best mother she could ask for. So thank you for that. Thank you for loving her and having her. Nothing has ever meant more to me then you and our little girl. Just promise me now that you'll take care of not only her but yourself as well. I love you both too much to ever hear of your hurt. I love you Serena and I wish it didn't have to be like this. I'll forever be here, forever waiting for a second chance to make things right. I'm sorry. **_

_**Love & Goodbye**_

_**Dan**_

_Is it broken?  
Can we work it out?  
Let's light up the  
town, scream out  
loud!  
Is it broken?  
Can we work it out?  
I can see in your eyes  
You're ready to break  
Don't look away._

Serena's tears were falling down her face fast now and she was doing her best to make them stay only silent tears in order to not disrupt the quiet surroundings of the NICU. She'd been there for eight weeks now, long enough to know that one set of crying could set off all of the infants in incubators and isolates. Her daughter didn't need to be woken up and disturbed again; her life was still far too fragile to be crying any more then she had to already. Serena's tears and crying hadn't lasted long before she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"Serena, are you ok?"

Marilyn's voice asked softly as she knelt down in front of the distraught girl. She'd watched Serena through a number of different episodes and she was growing rather attached to her, it was either that Marilyn was just thankful that Serena wasn't her daughter.

"Yea, It's just… all of this, it's a lot."

Serena said as she brushed the tears from her eyes, trying to get them to stop for a while. She felt like it was all she did lately, the crying.

"You know Serena, I have a daughter that's the same age as you. There's a big difference between you and her however. She's nowhere near as strong as you are. She could never do any of this. What you have in front of you brings you from being a child to an adult the moment you find out. You Serena, you're different from most. You have had a sparkle in your eye from the moment he held your hand and brought you into labor and delivery."

Serena looked down as she listened to Marilyn talk. She was doing nothing but disagreeing in her head. If she was strong she would have been better at pushing Dan away, she wouldn't have been closing herself and her daughter out from the one person that mattered most to her.

"No Marilyn, I'm not… I'm as far from strong as you get. I can't even stop crying or being strong for her."

Trying to protest the fact that she felt that way, she knew all to well Marilyn wasn't about to listen to her. Not a word that was coming out of Serena's mouth was even remotely true.

"Are you kidding me Serena? If I had half the strength you had I'd be chief of this whole hospital by now! Serena sweetheart don't you say things like that. You're a seventeen year old girl, you're not meant to be a calm, cool and collected mother! Trust me I've seen my fair share of young mothers, and so many of them I've wanted to literally take the babies out of their hands and take them home with me to stop them from having to endure a painful, loveless life. But Sariah's not one of those babies, Serena. And you are not one of those mothers! Princess, when I first saw you here with that baby about to come out of you do you know what I thought to myself? I thought "Thank God that is not my daughter", because teenage pregnancy is not something a mother wishes upon her daughter. But then as time went on I realized the real reason I thought that, the real reason I was so glad it was not my daughter in that bed having that baby, was because I knew my daughter wasn't strong enough. She would have given up long ago. She may be an A-grade student in school but she's not smart like you are Serena. She's young and naive, and I could not bear to watch her try and raise a child when she's barely out of childhood herself. But that's not what I think about you. With you, when I see you with your little girl, and when I see Sariah with her daddy,"

It was more than apparent that Serena's hormonal tears were still in full affect as she attempted again to brush them from her eyes. She wanted to cave with Marilyn's words. She wanted him to be there holding her and looking at their daughter together.

"No, please, please don't mention him. He's not a part of her life or my own right now."

Serena butted in and added, she couldn't let anyone linger on Sari with Dan. She knew it would be her weakness if she thought about it. She felt Marilyn's hand on her wrist now, trying to sooth her and make her relax. Yet Serena was still shaking, when ever Dan was mentioned or she thought about him she shook. It was her brain telling her how un fair to him she was being she figured.

"Serena, when I see Sariah with you, and with her dad, I know that child is going to live a wonderful life - the life it deserves. She will grow up in an environment so loving and so eager to take care of her, and that's something so many young mothers like my own daughter, couldn't provide, and it's also something no one can ever take away from her, as long as Sariah has the two of you."

She shook her head again, she was more then confident that there was no way she was going to let Dan into their lives. He was to smart with too much ahead of him.

"Don't say anything Serena, I don't want you disagreeing and I have another request. Form one mother to another… keep your daughter close to you. My daughter and I drifted apart when we moved here at the beginning of the summer. She has this whole other life now, a life that I'm not a part of and that hurts the most. She has a new life here at her prep school, and a boyfriend that I've never met but I take her word for him being a total sweetheart. He goes to school with her. He's a writer she says, and he's always giving her book recommendations and lending her his favorites. Heck, I'm not even sure of his name. I think it might be Dave or something."


	8. Promises of a puppy

* * *

Author's Note: I am so beyond sorry that it's taken so long to get this to you. Hopfully next chapter won't take as long. Calie is the reason behind this, of course. because without her I wouldn't have a story. Lauren and Steph you two both know you've had a major impact in this also! now i'm pumped and ready to continue on chapter 9! enjoy!

ps: the beginning of this chapter I love! (I know it doesn't fully fit but it was needed)

* * *

His Abercrombie tee-shirt was tossed over the back of her chair like an old rag, discarded hours before and caught by the Ikea spinny chair from a fateful date with the floor. His crystal-clear sapphire eyes followed her every move as she stood up off of her bed. The vibrant, and torturous color of her red lacy bra and matching panties was a sexy and beautiful contrast against her mocha skin and the only thing he wanted to do was pull her back onto the bed and pin her under him so he could trail kisses from one item to the next. He knew she never would have allowed that, she would have loved it but she never would have allowed it. Vanessa just wasn't that type of girl. At least she wouldn't have admitted she was that type of girl, and after the hell he'd put her through with the Catherine fiasco she had every right to dictate their relationship for the time being.

She hadn't seemed to complain all that much when the UES crown prince snuck into the her Brooklyn apartment, past her sister Ruby and Ruby's girlfriend who were both sound asleep on the couch. Ruby who couldn't for the life of her figure out why Vanessa was with the "rich prick", least to say Ruby wasn't a big fan of Nathaniel Archibald.

Nate slipped past Ruby, orange rose in hand as he walked in to find Vanessa perched on the chair in front of her desk as she reviewed one of her many masterpieces on her computer. He had to stand and watch for a moment in amazement. Nate wasn't used to the natural beauty that came along with feistiness. The way she pushed the black rimmed glasses up on her nose as she leaned forward to assess the screen, how her hair was twisted back with a pencil. She looked so different and so studious with her glasses. By now he knew it was because she couldn't take her contacts for another hour, which was the only time she put her glasses on. Everything about her was "a la V". She was so different and he liked it.

He could still feel her skin under his lips as he remembered how she hadn't noticed his presence till he was already placing soft kisses to her collar bone which was fully exposed from her tank top. She was completely irresistible to him. The way she was demanding yet she melted to him so easily.

Even now as she strutted around in just her red lacy bra and matching red lacey boy shorts his eyes were attached to her. The way her red nailed hand fit the curve of her hip as she gave him a perplexed look trying to decide what her next move would be. Whether she should kick him out or teach him yet another lesson for ever standing her up or doubting her. Hell, they weren't even officially together. They just liked having the company of one another.

"You know, You gotta stop looking at me."

Vanessa interrupted his thoughts as she turned to walk to the chair and pick up his shirt. His eyes ran over her body, every curve, every shape, everything about her he took in. He knew she hated what he was doing, how he was checking her out. But he also knew that she would get him back for it. Just thinking about it he could feel her fingers running possessively down his chest, scratching and lingering on the feel of just being with him.

"Why? I like the view"

He smirked, sounding more like Chuck Bass than his normal sweet self, but in the bedroom that was the way he acted with her. He couldn't let her take all of the fun away from him. Nathaniel Archibald knew how to bring the heat and keep it going also. It was something that had surprised her, how he could sound like such an ass yet be so gentle with her.

Vanessa hadn't expected to lose her virginity to him right away, or even at all. She'd been so convinced in the beginning he wasn't anything more then a dumb jock. He'd roped her in and taken her by surprise, V had learned that there was so much more to Nate than what met the eyes on contact. He wasn't just a static person; he needed someone to be there and listen to him.  
She didn't like his response as she picked up his tee-shirt and headed back to her bed. Without warning she hit him with it hard on the chest and he jumped, not expecting it. He'd been lying with his eyes closed since she started to move again. Yet neither one of them missed the smirk on his face as his eyes opened. There she was suddenly looming over him, her cleavage fully in his view as he ran his hand up her side till he'd forebodingly reached her chest gently brushing his hand across before dropping it back to her side.

"We're going to be late for class if you don't…"

Cut off by Nate reaching out for the rose he'd brought, her eyes followed his hand as he lightly dragged it down the center of Vanessa's chest slowly and menacingly. From there, she was completely lost in him as she dropped his shirt to the floor and pulled him roughly to herself and kissed him hard on the lips, giving access for another go at it all, and leaving them both to forget about school or plans with Serena.

* * *

"Did you read the short stories I sent you the other day? I love the imagery and language he used in describing everything. I have to say I think he's my favorite. If you close your eyes it leaves a clear picture of everything that's going on!"

Between bites of her bagel Amanda glanced up at Dan to see his reaction to what she was saying. For the past two weeks since he'd walked out of school on her he'd been distant and not connected, and she was really beginning to worry about his behavior. But every time he smiled at her then leaned over to kiss her cheek, all of her uneasiness seemed to go away and be replaced with the flutter of butterflies. Dan was her first real relationship and she was sure this was what the fall felt like.

"Yeah, but I have to disagree. Everything he wrote was so flowery and happy… life isn't always like that. You can't pretend everything is perfect when it's not even close."

He commented not really paying attention to what he was giving his opinion on as he watched the different town cars and limos pull to the front gates of the school to drop off their picky passengers, who God forbid walked a half-a-mile and got their precious boots wet! It had snowed during the night; a real legitimate snow fall. Every bit of the white power made him think of his first time, of being with Serena. How perfect it had been, how right it had felt.

"Serena! Hey, are you alright?"

Dan turned his head quickly as Amanda spoke, he hadn't spoken to Serena since she'd told him that shouldn't see one another anymore. Everyone had become aware of her and Jenns's break up and also that fact that she wasn't pregnant. Gossip Girl had given them plenty of sightings of her at Victrola, Butter, or the Palace Bar drinking martini's or so Gossip Girl thought. Serena had become a pro at disguising the things she did; an extra fifty could get her the things she needed when she wanted them without questions.

"Dan, she doesn't look ok… I'm gonna go after her, hold this for me?"

Amanda asked as she started to hand him her food and he shook his head putting his book down and hopping off of the step he'd been sitting on. If anyone was going after her it was him. If she was sick he felt compelled to take care of her.

* * *

Catching up with her as she headed into the girls hall and directly into the bathroom wasn't exactly easy, but by the time she'd dropped her bag and collapsed down onto her knees in front of the ceramic toilet he caught up with her just in time to pull the long strands of perfect blond hair out of her face and away from her mouth with one hand, as his other gently rubbed the nape of her neck like he could still remember his mother doing to him when he was a child.

"It's ok Serena, I've got you"

He soothed as she threw up, as even being with her when she was like this seemed to comfort him. Just being able to touch her made him feel like everything was ok again, even if it was just for a few moments. As she started to dry heave rather then anymore puking, he let go of her hair and stood up. Looking at her one last time he walked to the sink and wet a paper towel with cool water to put on her forehead, doing anything that would make her feel better for a little while.

She'd finished up and flushed the toilet by the time he came back. She'd known she wanted to walk to school rather than ride with Eric and Chuck since Nate and Vanessa had apparently forgotten about her. The motions of the limo felt as though they had nearly killed her. The two weeks till she was in her second trimester couldn't come soon enough, she was sick of being sick.

It hadn't even occurred to her who had been in the bathroom with her until his coffee eyes met hers and he didn't say anything. Instead he moved closer to her and placed the wet paper towel on her forehead and pulled her closer to him till her head was resting on his shoulder. She was still too weak and drained from being sick to protest. Serena just stood there letting him hold her and soothe her.

"I think you need to go home, if you're sick this is the last place you should be."

He whispered to her as he held her tightly to him, it felt so good to have her in his arms even if she didn't feel good. Just being able to be with her made him feel suddenly calm and at ease. She wasn't responding as she just nodded her head in agreement. That's when he thought of it, she'd mentioned back when they were together that Lily was going to be away for months after the wedding. He didn't know exactly how long but he knew that if Lily wasn't home he didn't want Serena being alone. It wasn't fun to be sick alone, and she didn't deserve it.

"Come on, I'll take care of you. I'm not letting you say no."

As soon as the protest started to cross her face he wasn't going to allow her to say another word. He ran his hands through her hair and spoke gently, his hand slipping back to the nape of her neck as he pulled her to lay her head on his shoulder. She was being civil and calm, and that gave Dan notice that she really was not feeling good.

It wasn't that she didn't want to protest and complain, it was the fact that she needed him. She needed him to hold her even if it were just for a few moments. She still couldn't believe the fact that the one thing she'd wanted throughout her pregnancy had happened. He'd been with her while she was sick. Even if he didn't know the circumstances behind it; he was in the dark about what was really going on.

"Dan, no. I'm fine"

Weak in her pleas for him to let go, he wasn't about to loosen his grip. They both needed the same things but weren't about to actually admit it to one another. All they could do was live in the moment and hold onto what they had.

* * *

The entire time on the way to the Humphrey loft she'd sworn to him that she was just fine and he could really leave her alone. She'd just go home to the palace to sleep for a while even though she felt like she was just fine. Morning sickness had a habit of coming and going whenever it pleased, not that he had any clue of that of course. By the time he'd dragged her inside of the familiar home she'd given up on all reasoning. He was trying to be a good friend and take care of her. Being a good friend to her was as close as she'd give him to being daddy for the time being. Serena didn't always think with her full brain, anyone that knew her knew it was fact.

Dan had ushered her into his room, he fluffed his pillows up and pulled down his slept-in sheets. The whole thing looked way too good to resist. She missed both his scent and the feel of him more than she ever thought possible.

"Crackers and ginger ale with no bubbles"

As he placed the tray down beside his bed he stepped back to observe the blonde in his bed. Even not feeling well she was easily the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Serena was the girl of his dreams and he wasn't denying that. it was just far too complicated for them to be together right now. They'd broken up for a reason, even if the reason was a bit hazy in both of their minds.

"I told you you didn't have to do this. I'm fine Dan."

As a yawn escaped her mouth she put her hand over her mouth. He looked at her with a knowing look as he shook his head and leaned over her pulling his quilt up around her. He wasn't letting her get away that easy.

"I'm not listening to you for once."

Shaking his head he couldn't tear his eyes away from her, of her just lying in his bed innocently while he got the chance to take care of her for just a while.

"I'm gonna um… I'll be back."

Dan hesitated not really wanting to leave her, all he really wanted to was climb in beside her and hold her till she fell asleep like they'd done in the past. He should have felt guilty but Amanda was the furthest from his mind. He stood station as he watched her roll onto her side and snuggle into his sheets and what he thought of was falling asleep.

He'd paced around the living room for twenty minuets as he thought she was falling asleep. The only thing he wanted to do when it really came down to it all was sneak into his room and lay down beside her. To put his arms around her and hold her close, just to have her in his arms for a moment. He couldn't restrain from checking on her any longer as he walked as quietly as he could on the creaky floorboards to his bedroom. He leaned on the door slightly so it opened a little. Seeing her perfect green eyes tightly shut as she lay on herself with her body wrapped around his pillow just as the morning after their first time as she'd laid twined with him.

Taking his eyes off of her hadn't been possible as he stood there watching her sleep. As he walked closer to the bed he couldn't stop his actions as he climbed into the bed beside her. Absent mindedly not caring if he woke her up he put his arms around her and pulled her into his chest, resting his head in her neck. Taking moments he breathed in her scent and memorized the feel of her chest rising and falling with every breath she took. It didn't even occur to him that her breathing wasn't as steady as someone that was sound asleep. It never crossed his mind until he felt her begin to shift and twist in his arms. Before he knew it her head was on his shoulder and their eyes were connected as everything in the world seemed to just stop and put it's self on hold.

"I thought you were sleeping"

He whispered as one of his hands wrapped around her back and the other tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. Serena's perfect pink lips formed into a flawless smile at his touch. Her face had lines from pillow creases all over it as he ran his thumb over her cheek. Every touch was affectionate and made her want and crave more. Then a spark came to her mind and before she could hush herself she'd spoken.

"Dan, do you ever think about the future? You know like when you're a father."

When the word father left her mouth it took all the restraint she had for her not to call attention to her stomach. She and bug had become pretty close in Serena's mind. Their nightly conversations were the thing that got her through each and every night. The empty promises she made every night to her little bug were all full of her truths and her pain.

Locked with her eyes, his studied them, as his mind raced a million miles a second thinking about the real response to the question. It was a fully loaded question that in all honesty he thought about nightly. How much for it all he was really willing to admit all depended on how her reactions were to his beginning. Inhaling a long deep breath he took a moment to let his mind work at pondering the right way to answer her question, when he exhaled he opened his eyes to find her still contently looking at him.

"Tell me something first, do you want to hear the abbreviated version or the long one?"

He asked as she readjusted herself in his arms to link hands with him, if she had to play the friends game the least thing she could do was milk it for all that it was worth. Plus she needed to hold onto something in order for her hands not to wonder to her stomach as they liked to claim range over.

"Long, I like your stories. Plus it's not like I'm going anywhere for a while."

With a pure smile she watched him as he took another deep lingering breath as though he were afraid to admit something or scared that she wouldn't agree.

"Well, it goes like this. I was thinking of you know… forming a rock band with some guys at school. You know, grow my hair out and scream random obscenities into a mic while random women throw articles of clothing on stage to us. Then after our gig is over we take turns sleeping with them in the tour bus. By the end of the month I'll have ten kids with ten different women and I'll deny all contact so I won't have to pay child's support… and you know not a word of this is true. It's as far from the truth as you get. You know that though… I mean right?"

The expression on his face alone made her smile, the way he was delving into his rambles and talking as fast as he could till she took her free hand that wasn't laced with his and put her finger on his lips silencing him. His cheeks flushed his adorkable light pink as he came to terms with just how much he'd been rambling.

"That day Serena, when I told you I loved you for the first time outside school on the steps, and I thought you thought you were pregnant?"

There eyes remained connected, as if Serena were scared that if she should blink he would stop telling his story. She wanted to hear what he had to say and she hoped deep down in her heart he was going to say what she had dreamed he would say. She nodded encouragingly at him biting her lip as she listened.

"Since that day I haven't been able to stop thinking about having a family, about being a father. Before then I'd never really thought about it, my dreams for the future were focused on my writing, on helping my dad with the gallery, and creating a good name for myself as an author, but, on that day all of those dreams changed. Sure, I still do want all of that, but not like I want a family. Not like I want to be a father. I thought I had everything under control before you came into my life. Then you came in and turned it all up side down Serena. I thought you were just a pretty face. Boy was I wrong. You proved to be that you were beautiful, intelligent, sexy, Serena, you opened up my eyes to so much more then I had ever expected to see. Since that morning seeing Gossip Girl making her inference about you being pregnant I've had this clear little image of this beautiful little girl with blonde hair and dark eyes. I can see you putting a bow in her hair before we go to my dad's for Easter dinner. She's all happy and proud of herself for finding all of the eggs that the 'Easter Bunny' hid. Or when she rushes down the stairs Christmas morning and a huge smile, just like yours, spreads cross her face when she finds the puppy with the red ribbon in the box. The Halloween that she's dressed up like one of the Disney Princesses, only she's so angelic and perfect just like her mother that Disney princesses don't even cut it. The first time she can ride her Barbie jeep by herself and she wants to stay out all day long. So you and I make a picnic lunch and sit on a blanket watching her play all day. I'm on edge the whole time because I can see her trying to drive down the road in it. Because of course she gets her daring side from her mother."

He was finding it hard to admit things that had stayed for so long in his head. Saying it all showed his weakness for her. It showed that she had a hold over him. One that was tighter then anything he'd ever experienced in his life. He could have and would have planned his life with her with great want and need. Every emotion reflected on his face as he gave her hand a gentle squeeze before continuing.

"Then, there's this little boy with dark hair and light eyes. He's smart, yet outgoing and loud at the same time. I can see him taking his first steps from me to you because he wants his mommy. I can see his first birthday party when he's covered in cake from head to toe. The days he comes in from playing outside in the rain he's covered in mud and he runs across the clean kitchen floor or even onto the carpet and you and I can't get mad at him. So we just look at him and laugh as he looked up with your childish smile. The nights that he scrambles to bed in between us because he had a nightmare and we pull him close and fall asleep together and teaching him how to play soccer in Central Park, then sitting back as I watch the two of you passing the ball to one another and laughing. After he starts school I can see me sitting there and teaching him his letters and how to write his name."

Every word he was saying was hitting her hard and she needed to stop looking at him so that she didn't just suddenly burst out and tell him that his dreams were partly coming true. She shut her eyes as she listened to his voice lull her into calm. It'd been weeks since she'd actually felt herself completely relax and let go of all animosities and emotions that had been blocking her from feeling.

"Since that day my favorite image in my head is walking around a park with you holding your hand as we push our child in a carriage. Then when the baby starts to cry you stop walking just to take out the bottle and sooth the baby. Just the sound of your voice calms her down as you walk to her and calm her down. I want the nights where we sit up in bed as you feed the baby and hum her lullabies. The proud happy look on your face as you just look down at her. I always imagine being with you when you're pregnant and the baby kicks. Just feeling that and taking in all of the moments of it. The way we both know that it's so right and that there's nothing in the world that could be any better then the feeling. Because the baby is ours and we're the ones responsible for its little heart beating in its chest. That's why that day, I was disappointed, not because Gossip Girl announcing it meant that you didn't trust me enough to tell me but because I wanted to be there when you take the test. To hold your shaky hand and you look at the results, and to assure you that it's the right thing. But because in the mornings when you're sick, I want to be the one you come to before your sick so I can hold your hair back and take care of you. I want all of that Serena. I want it all someday."

Looking down at her now, he noticed that her eyes were now completely closed and her breathing had in fact evened out. She was comfortable and asleep in his arms. Yet he noticed one thing, her face was glistening with shinny tears that had slipped from the corners of her eyes and down her face. He tightened his grip around her, unlacing their hands as he brushed a stray tear from her sleeping face and pressed his lips into her forehead wrapping his arm then around her and holding her to his chest.

"It's all because I love you Serena, I love you and only you."

He whispered to her sleeping figure as then his own tears started to quietly slip down his face and dampen her hair. Not bothering to wipe his own tears he slipped into a deep sleep holding the love of his life in his arms. He wanted to hold onto the moments he had with her best he could because when he woke up they'd be no longer. He'd have to go back to being the good doting boyfriend, concerned to Amanda's needs over Serena's. it wasn't something he very much enjoyed. Settling himself with her contently he too was able to slip into dream land.

* * *

Serena's eyes blinked open with a start after her dream had broken. Dreaming of Dan with Amanda as his wife and their two kids was both heartbreaking and terrifying. It also proved to her that it was just one more thing that she couldn't let happen. As she started to calm down again she finally realized where she was and remembered what had occurred before she'd trudged into the realm of sleep. How he'd talked about having a future with her, about their future child. She wanted to wake up to him holding onto her like there was no tomorrow. Instead she had Cedric hugged to her chest as tightly as she could squeeze him, her legs were wrapped around his pillow and his blanket was pulled up to her neck. Thinking he'd be there when she rolled over she did so only for her eyes to come to the empty spot in the bed beside her. She could still fell his arms around her, his warm breath on her neck as they both slept in peace. She loved that moment, she loved the things that he's said, and she loved him. Upset with the fact that he wasn't still with her she rolled over into his side, his section of the bed was still warm like he'd just recently left it. Burying her head between his sheets and pillow she breathed in his scent so it filled her lungs. It was so familiar and so at home she loved it. Lifting her head off of his pillow and out from under his covers she turned her head in attempt to look out the window, but, rather then looking out at the busy view she spotted a note with her name scrawled across it in his messy handwriting, accompanied by a plate and a sandwich. The sandwich had no crusts just the way he knew she liked, he remembered everything.  
Reaching out a non manicured hand out her fingertips lightly grazed his hand writing. It was like she'd memorized every loop and curl he made with the pen. That was all due to how many times over she'd read 10-08-05. She could practically see all of the words of the story in her head with how many times she'd read and memorized it. Bug could probably even recall most of the words of it. Delicately, like it was something about to break, she picked up the note and held it to her face before opening it to read it.

**Well, I guess you're awake now sleeping beauty,  
Because to be reading this you have to be awake, not that that's not already a given. I just have to say that I hated getting up and leaving you. You looked so peaceful and comfortable while you slept. I could have stayed there forever, just feeling the rise and fall of your chest as you slept. I've always loved that Serena. Maybe it's because for a little while I can say whatever I want without you adding anything into it. No, you know how I feel about you butting in when I talk. I'm pretty sure I made that quite clear to you. I hope everything I said before you feel asleep was just as clear as it. Because I meant every word of what I said, and I always will. I made you a peanut butter sandwich, no jelly or fluff, and of course no crust. When ever I make you food I feel like I'm putting something together for a child. There's a strawberry milkshake in the fridge, though I'm not sure how good it'll be when you finally decide to wake up but if it's soon then it should be fine. Stay here as long as you want. Hopefully you'll still be laying here when I get home?  
Love,  
Dan**

His note made her smile almost as much as how he'd ended it all with the word love, love was something she was feeling plenty of as she laid in the Humphrey loft, in his bed, in his sheets, all alone. The loft was a place where she belonged. Staying still for a few moments she listened for a source of hearing anyone. She couldn't risk her next move being caught by anyone of Humphrey blood. They'd knew without doubt soon as they looked at her. Knowing that she was all alone she took her L.A.M.B sweatshirt off over her head then started to unbutton her school button up leaving her in just the white tank top. Removing the heavy articles of clothing felt so much better yet as the light late November breeze blew in from the partly ajar window she shivered. Pushing the covers back from her and stretching her legs over the side of the bed she yawned. Serena was always tired thesedays.

She knew exactly what she was doing and exactly what was on her mind as she made her way across his floor to the other side of the room. She'd seen it from the bed and she'd known exactly what it was. Bending down she picked the soft fabric of the sweater up and held it under her nose. The argyle sweater had been her comfort back when they were together. The nights that she couldn't sleep beside him she'd wrapped her self in it and breathed in his scent. Today was going to be no different as she picked up the sweater and slipped into it. The sleeves were too big, they hung on her hands enough for her to ball her hands into fists and still be covered with fabric. His scent was all over it and she was comfortable. She was right about to turn around, head back to lay down till he came back to be beside he when her eyes caught her own reflection on the mirror behind the door.

Her light hair hung loose down her shoulders, her eyes looked brighter and more refreshed then they'd looked in weeks. Her face had an almost smile on it and it was all thanks to him, and just how much she loved him and he cared. Everything from their conversation still felt completely surreal even as it made her feel comfortable. Her eyes continued to survey the mirror as she looked at herself. Her chest looked huge in the tank top, one of the many reasons she put on sweatshirts now before school. The last thing she felt like dealing with were the guys that would have looked and stared, she got enough of that from Chuck when she was at home. Surveying further down her self her eyes were locked on her stomach, the slightly raised bump that had knocked her clothing sizes up already. The bump that just a day previous had made her feel guilty and alone, after her talk with Dan made her feel bright and full of hope and love. That's exactly what the baby was, the product of their love for one another, his words had proved it. As her eyes watched the mirror her sweatshirt covered hands pulled up the bottom of her tank top exposing convex shape her stomach had now come to. The sight and thought of what was held inside of the bump made her smile bigger to herself. Her sweater covered hands slid them self criss cross on her stomach as her mind wondered to the day when she'd been laying sweat covered in a hospital bed as their baby was placed into Dan's arms for the very first time. It was an image that stood for so much more to her, it was signifying the beginning of forever.

"Looks like my little bug's getting bigger, or is that just your head swelling from all of Daddy's promises? Your aunt Blair is going to call mommy fat because of you. We already skipped out on her soirée because you make me too tired in a day."

The view of the mirror shown Serena as a model of perfection, her head was bowed slightly, enough so she could look down at the small bump and her hands were rested over it protectively. Everything about being a mother had started kicking in with every word Dan said. In that moment she realized just how much such a little thing could mean to her. How everything she felt could and would come from her heart.

"Mommy promises you right now Bug, soon as you're old enough to start asking for a puppy I'm going to remind daddy what he said about getting you a puppy. Not that I think he'll have any problem with it. It'll be anything to see that perfect little smile on your face, because, that is the most important thing in the world."

Turning from the mirror she never once faltered to take her hands from her stomach as she made her graceful strides back to Dan's bed. Fixing the pillows she slid back into the bed where she'd slept all morning, shirt still tucked up above her baby bump. With light fingers she traced hearts on her stomach as she spoke. For Serena it was nice to feel like she wasn't ever alone, but even nicer to know that there was in fact a part of Dan with her every step she took every day.

"Bet you liked listening to daddy's voice today Bug, didn't you? Listening to him talk about your future. Like I told you before daddy doesn't know his little bug exists yet and like I've said a million times that is all mommy's fault. That's all gonna change today baby bug, because mommy knows that you baby need daddy, and now daddy needs his baby too. What do you say baby? Ready to hear daddy's voice on a daily basis? Mommy knows she's ready to listen to him talk to you."

Every baby book and magazine encouraged talking to the baby, it was said to stimulate the brain and also bring child and parent closer. It would just further prove the fact that Serena was sure bug would be daddy's baby. Taking her right hand off of her stomach she reached for the sandwich that Dan had made. Even before she took a bite she knew it was just the way she wanted it. He always made it perfect.

"Now after I eat this I'm so going to need that milkshake daddy made. Daddy makes the best milkshakes, and that's not even near as good as his spaghetti. You and I are gonna eat just fine when daddy cooks sweetheart. Speaking of daddy, I can't wait to see the look on your daddy's face when I inform him of your coming. He'll be so surprised to know that you were the thing making mommy sick to her stomach this morning! Goodness bug, everything is just falling into place and don't worry your mommy's going to make sure it all goes right"

After taking a few bites of the sandwich she placed it back down on the plate next to the bed and laid back down closing her eyes as her hands glued themselves to her abdomen. She rubbed up and down slowly as she let herself fall into her day dreams.

"Mommy and daddy are going to be here all the time my sweet little bug. You, mommy, and daddy against the world, I promise that baby"

There standing in the doorway her eyes were bugging out of her head as she listened to the blonde in her brother's bed. Her mouth was agape, she'd come home from school because she didn't feel like being there for free period, not because she was sick. Could she have suddenly developed a high fever and be hallucinating? Because if she wasn't then Serena Van der Woodsen was laying in her brother's bed and talking to her stomach referring to herself as Mommy! She put her hand to her head and leaned back against the doorframe, nope, she wasn't warm. She didn't have a fever. She pinched her wrist, nope, she wasn't dreaming. When she went to stand up straight the floor creaked and the door it the wall causing Serena to jump from the calm state she'd been in previous. When their eyes locked Jenny saw the panic and hesitation that spread quickly on Serena's face as she scrambled to pulled Dan's comforter over her body. As though she hadn't already been ratted out in the grand scheme of things, she hadn't wanted anyone else to know before Dan did, she'd told enough people.

"Oh my god Jenny"

Serena's voice was low and fragile, her secret wasn't one that she'd wanted exposed and now one of the many people she hadn't wanted to know before Dan knew. She knew just by the look on Jenny's face that it was out. She was one more person to know about the baby before Dan did.  
"Why are you in my brother's bed?"

Since their second breakup Jenny and Serena hadn't seen eye to eye. Jenny, like Dan and Serena couldn't put a finger on why they'd broken up exactly in the first place. Jenny was the one that had to listen to Dan's bitching every day, she was the one that was stuck with listening to Amanda's whinny impossible voice that killed her ear drums. She couldn't even address the reasons that she didn't like Amanda.

"I was um, I was sick. Dan brought me here, here to sleep for a while."

With Jenny's eyes burning into her like she was on trial Serena waned to shrink and disappear into a hole where she wouldn't have to face all of the mistakes she'd made. Like the mistake of not telling Dan he was going to be a father yet.

"I don't care whether he knows or not, my question was why are you in his bed? Haven't you caused him enough pain? Or are you back for your third round of seeing what type of hell you can cause in his life. It's not fair to him Serena, especially with your new development."

Jenny voiced out and every word she said made Serena not want to be there more, that or have everything different. She also knew that if she kept the truth from him any longer that it would destroy him even more.

"How could you sleep with Jenns let alone get pregnant. I thought you loved my brother, now it's pretty damn clear he was just another peg in your game. I can't believe I ever looked up to you let alone thought you were good for him. You're just as bad as the rest of them."

Serena shut her eyes as she lay back against the pillowed at a loss for words. That's what she'd been afraid of, That once everyone knew the first person they would think of to be Jenns. Jenns had barely gotten a French kiss let alone close enough to be bug's father. Serena silently laughed to herself as her emerald eyes flicked up to the ceiling and her hands crossed over bug again.

"That's not even close to it Jenny."

Mumbling so that she wasn't sure if Jenny could hear her she couldn't have cared much. Her mind was to set on how she was going to act to Dan the next time she saw him, what she was going to say and how she was going to let the truth come out. Part of her just wanted to take his hand and put it on her stomach, let him realize for himself that there was another life inside of her.

"What is it then Serena? Do you love him the way you said you loved my brother?"

Sitting up in his bed against the propped up pillows she rested her hand over her stomach and nearly smile over the words that were next to come out of her mouth. Because every letter in them was true; she meant it all with everything in her.

"I'll never love anyone as much as I love your brother Jenny."

She started out and was quite thankful when Jenny stayed quiet other then the scoff she'd let out. Jenny could believe whatever she wanted Serena didn't care, as long as Dan knew the truth she didn't care who else did.

"You sure have a funny way of showing it"

Jenny glared at her as she interrupted Serena's train of thought.

"Well then, I see where having his baby counts on your level of loving him."

Jenny's face softened suddenly, it went straight to sudden shock as she looked for Serena's face to her stomach right away. She was going to be an auntie! She was going to be a part of a UESers life permanently

"Wait, his baby? As in my brother's baby?"

Her expression turned softer as Serena motioned her to come closer to the bed. An hour later she'd explained everything and she'd made Jenny promise not to tell Dan. Though Jenny had only agreed because Serena had told her she was planning on telling him soon as he got home. Serena had agreed and nodded her head ending their conversation with a hug as Jenny retreated back to her room happy and elated about being an aunt.

* * *

Hearing the door shut the butterflies in Serena's chest started to flutter. This was it, this was the last time she had to keep their baby as her secret. She slipped her hand over her stomach one last time as she got off of the bed and stood up, dropping her hands to her sides.

"Here we go Bug, the first day of the rest of our lives."

She whispered to herself as she headed for his door, her hand on the door knob as she pulled it open slowly and stepped through, her hands shaking. Turning her head at a sudden creek she looked up to see Jenny's encouraging smile waving her on as she took a few steps further. She nodded to herself pulling all of her strength up as she took a few more steps before her eyes feel upon an image she wasn't remotely prepared for. The love of her life was lying underneath Amanda as she kissed him with no end in sight. It was right then that Serena's heart broke into a million pieces and she knew what she could and couldn't do.

Salty tears were dripping down her cheeks as she perched herself on the fire escape and close to the window of the loft. The November wind froze with every gust that swept around her yet she couldn't feel it. Even in the tank top and Dan's light argyle sweater she couldn't have cared less how bad the weather was. She should have been considering the baby that was depending on her to not get sick, but, the image of him laying with Amanda on top of him had broken the last thread of her dignity. She'd been so close to telling him everything and being the family that she wanted, the family that their baby deserved.

* * *

Leaning her head against his window she let herself cry into the glass, shaking with every sob that came from deep in her chest. She wasn't going to have his arms around her to comfort her, to tell her that everything was going to be alright. He'd moved on with Amanda, he was clearly happy without her and she was going to respect that. she wasn't going to force a baby on him that he didn't want. He needed to have the life that he deserved, not one that had anything to do with changing diapers and being up at all hours of the night.

"Hey bug, you have to be completely confused as to what mommy's doing right now baby. Mommy doesn't even know right now. All I do know is that what I told you earlier about Daddy being around and Daddy being here every step of the way… well baby that was a lie and I'm so sorry. Daddy needs to have his freedom, he needs to have a real life. As I told you before sweetheart, you and mommy are going to be just fine without him. We can handle it together I promise."

Her head picked up a little when she saw the light in his room flick on and instantly she shifted out of view of the window. She didn't want to be seen, she couldn't afford to be seen. This was her secret and her secret only.

* * *

It'd taken far too long for his liking to get Amanda off of him, he'd had every intention of letting her down easy after laying in bed with Serena. All he wanted was to be like that with her, to have the relationship they'd always had, back. Just holding her had proved that it was all possible, that their love could really over come everything. Of course he didn't count on Serena to still be asleep but he hoped she was at least laying in his bed. He wanted a chance to tell her that he couldn't be without her any longer, that he loved her. He'd work harder to get past the 'upstairs downstairs' issue. Anything to just make everything all better, to make the past go away and make the future of forever in sight again, he'd meant every word he'd said about forever.

As he got closer to the door of his room he could see his sheets a mess and tangled. That's where she'd been laying it hadn't been a dream. But as his footsteps go closer to his messy room she wasn't there anymore, his bed was empty and a cool breeze was blowing in the crack in the window. Dan let out a light swear at the sight of his empty bed. All he'd wanted was for her to be laying there peacefully and feeling better. With the fact that she wasn't there he hung his head and closed his eyes as he made his way to sit down on his bed.

A gold chain caught his eye, it was tangled in her sweater that she'd left in a heap. Reaching out to pick it up his finger ran over the smooth material. A plated gold necklace with the word 'Bug' inscribed into the front. Strange choice of words but then again with Serena nothing surprised him. Turning it over in his hand there was another inscription, August 17th 2008. The date rang a bell and Dan couldn't put his finger on why exactly. Maybe if he'd thought a little bit harder he'd realize that it'd been the day they'd gotten a little out of control in the bathroom of a jitney.


	9. I can spell confusion with a K

Author's note: Thank you Calie as always, because without you there wouldn't be a chapter 9. Lauren for your amazing brain, Sofia for your patients with me causing them hell, Josie for reading bits for me and of course Dana for letting me stress to you about all things. Enjoy this chapter, and I'll just leave you with this fact, next chapter is the one you're all waiting for! Christmas is always magical for them now isn't it? Leave me your thoughts!

She stalked into the living room of the penthouse like she owned it; head held high, poised, and ready for anything. She'd come such a long way since before the cancer and the chemo, and it had changed her so much, for the better. She saw things through new light now, but she already proved that by informing one of many people she'd looked down upon in her lifetime that he would be escorting her to a party. A party where he could potentially get the one he was after back. Had Cecelia Rhodes known then that it would lead her to where she was so early on a Thursday afternoon on Christmas Eve rather then being in France soaking up sun light of each bright day, she had no doubt that she still would have done it. Cece recognized the mistakes she'd made with her own daughter and with her granddaughter they were not mistakes she planned on attributing to again.

Not one of the three teenagers spread out on the couches looked up when she stepped into the room; her grandson lay on his stomach scrolling through things on his iPod with the touch of a finger, her step-grandson sat upright likely watching some type of porn or planning out his next plan of torture on an innocent bystander, and then there lay her granddaughter in all of her blonde glory. She was on her back, her head propped up on the arm of the couch, her knees bent. She was reading 'What to Expect When You're Expecting' with a teddy bear propped up on her stomach. All Cece could see in front of her was the little girl that would rush forth to her whenever she walked into a room and beg for a story. Suddenly that little blonde was grown up and going to be telling stories herself.

She hadn't taken after the Rhodes women when it came to pregnancy, both Cece and Lily had been double Serena's size by the time they were eighteen weeks into their pregnancies. She was tiny yet, and easily hidden by a sweatshirt and sweat pants. Even as she laid in a tight tee shirt and pajama pants it still wasn't blatantly obvious unless you knew every bit of Serena's build and stature. She observed quietly as her granddaughter stretched her legs out and rested them on her brother's back as she threw her head back in a yawn. The two of them had always been close, it's what made Cece know that even if she'd made mistakes in the past, Lily having her grandchildren with someone other then Rufus Humphrey was the best choice she could have made, especially when Serena talked so highly of her little Bug that had yet to exist in the common known world; her little bug that was itself part Humphrey.

To Cece's displeasure the one person she'd been there to see least was the first to look up and acknowledge her presence in the room. Chuck Bass's impolite, rude, and foul ways were just a few of the reasons she was glad to hold no blood relations to the young man.

"Well Grandmother, how, interesting it is to see you in our lovely abode."

Cece's eyes settled on Chuck as both of her grandchildren popped up from their places suddenly. How her daughter picked her men would forever be a mystery for Cece.

"Yes Charles, it's always a pleasure to see you too."

She rasped out not hiding her dislike for the boy. Turning her attention from him, both Eric and Serena were now hugging her.

After an exchange with Eric and greetings with Serena she grabbed her granddaughter's hands and made her step back once so she could look her over. The little soccer player who would roll around in the mud, the dancer who'd try her best to get on her tiptoes, the little girl that would endlessly beg for Grandma to accompany her to tea parties with Mr. Bear and Sally the doll were now replaced by an elegant adolescent who herself had motherhood quickly approaching.

"Sweetheart I can't tell you if you look phenomenal or too thin. Are you sure you're eating enough? This isn't just about you anymore Serena."

Serena smiled a very meek smile, it had been two weeks since she'd decided to let Dan go completely. She hadn't even spoken with him when he called anymore. She refused to take his calls, and the lack of hearing his voice was causing her so much pain and anxiety Serena was losing every grasp on who she was. It had gotten so bad Chuck had even begun bringing her candy and truffles at night. All of which she discarded to the trash bucket in a 'I'm just not hungry' fashion.

"Yes Gramma, I promise I'm fine."

Her emerald eyes showed different but Cece left it alone; it wasn't her place to interject. All she could do was pull her granddaughter into a hug, one that she worried Serena would break down with.

* * *

The mall was abuzz with people walking and wafting about in pre-Christmas jitters. Christmas eve was always the craziest. It hadn't been Dan's idea to shop on Christmas eve, lately nothing had been very much of Dan's ideas. Amanda had complained about them not being able to see one another or talk over the long twenty-four hour period so they'd ended up at the mall. The mall where Dan was being required to pick out her Christmas present for her, a task he didn't care all to much to do. And she decided she wanted perfume, so perfume it was.

There was only one girl's scent that he remembered even in his dreams. The bittersweet smell of Lilly's and Patchouli on an average day, a scent she'd made all by herself. Then on special occations there was that one perfume that showed all of her beauty in one single squirt.

With his hand laced with Amanda's he let her browse around. Amanda picked up a pink and crystal bottle, holding it in her petite milky hand, as Dan lay staring at the vast array of perfumes on the wall in front of him. He couldn't have cared less to be in the store with her and she could see that fact written all over his face but she chose to pay it not mind.

"What about this one?"

She held her freshly sprayed wrist up to his face and watched for his reaction. His face contorted into a look of disgust at the fowl stench. It was like moth balls and carrot cake, truly something he didn't have an appetite to stomach.

"That is terrible! Oh…god, that's gross!"

He laughed as she giggled, her dark tresses falling a little in her face as she moved them back behind her ear.

"You actually put that on yourself? Okay look's like you're finishing this shopping trip alone, Amanda"

Only half-joking with her he wished she would let him off the hook. Christmas time had once been special to him. How hard he'd worked the past Christmas to get a tree into the Palace Hotel, how they'd spent well into Christmas morning on the floor of the gallery proving to one another just how much they loved each other. That's where his mind was stuck, stuck on the one he let go out of his own stupidity. He still couldn't figure out how he looked himself in the face.

"Am not, you promised to buy me a perfume for Christmas and here we are. You can't pull out now, Dan. Come on you should be used to it, I'm sure you and Serena would have done your fair share of shopping trips"

Amanda cringed as she said it, she hated bring Serena up because Dan always got this far away look in his eyes. Like he was escaping to the past year. She wanted to be the one he saw when he shut his eyes. Part of her thought she just needed to be patient.

"Yeah, maybe… I guess"

He turned his head back to the perfume bottles before him, recognising a few from Jenny's collection, but not Serena's. She had so many he never knew which was which. Except that one. She had told him that Christmas morning that she reserved it for special occasions. She had also worn it on the night of the Kiss on the Lips party, and the night of their first real date, of course.

"Some of them are sooo sweet it's disgusting"

She interrupted him from his day dream, from his thoughts of Serena and the past Christmas. He was almost sure nothing was going to top last Christmas, surly not this one, without Serena nothing seemed as happy and playful as it once had.

"This is hilarious I've never really bought French perfume before. I've been given a few bottles from my mum but never had to choose anything. It's actually really hard. That Chanel's pretty nice though, I'll probably just get that one."

He nodded to agree with her halfly, the Chanel reminded him of Blair. Blair was a scent that either gave him nightmares or made him roll his eyes in disgust. She was far from his favorite person. She was one of the many reminders of just how different his and Serena's worlds really were.

"OH my gosh, yes.. I love it! Dan? What do you think? Smell this one!"

She flapped the piece of card and he leant over and inhaled the scent, lightly closing his eyes. An instant memory took over his mind, a memory that he wanted so badly to hold onto.

_His head remained there for a while, his nose buried in the nape of her neck, as he kissed her collarbone lightly and her blonde locks tickled his bare skin. Irregular breaths and small whimpers came from her open mouth, as he worked to please her, their hips moving in time, her arms wrapped so tightly around his back; their bodies as one._

"Dan, what's wrong? You hate it? Oh my God you hate it!"

Amanda's voice broke Dan out of his day dream. It had been so real, or rather he'd wanted it to be real. More then anything else Dan wanted to be there touching her and holding her, listening to her little laugh and just being around her.. Not talking with her was killing him.

"No, no I don't hate it, I don't."

Doing his best to cover it up he shook his head, he'd made a plan to try and give her a good Christmas regardless if he didn't like Christmas anymore or not. Amanda hadn't done anything wrong and she shouldn't have had to suffer thought his misery too.

"Yes! You do!"

Amanda's over worried and still over happy voice peeped up as she turned in a flustered fury to look at him.

"What the hell, Amanda? I don't hate it, don't be stupid!"

He gulped as he realised his voice had risen until he was almost yelling at her. He placed his hand on her arm apologetically.

"I'm sorry. Look, I don't hate it… I just… I think… I think I prefer the Chanel"  
Dan said trying to get himself out of having to explain anymore. The thoughts in his mind weren't anything that he wanted to deal with without Serena.

"Okay"

She nodded lightly, and let out a small fake smile, knowing he was not telling the whole truth. She was willing to let him calm down before asking about it. Although she was pretty sure she already knew the answer.

"Come on let's go. I've had enough perfume testing for the day I'm getting a headache from all the smells mixed together."

She grabbed his arm and led him away, wishing_ she _was the one he thought of when he smelled the delicious scent.

* * *

Cece watched her granddaughter through the small glass window in the wooden door as she lay on the examining table in the dark room. Had someone told her a year ago that her darling granddaughter would be carrying a little Humphrey she would have shivered at the thought and exiled him. Now, with the clear goo clumped on her stomach and her eyes misted over in pride, Cece could tell that it had all happened for a reason. The only thing that would have made it better for Serena would have been to have Dan there holding her hand and admiring their work together.

"You know, I've seen a lot of teen mothers walk through this hallways and the best decision most of them make is to give the child up for adoption. I think your granddaughter really needs to consider it, personally, I don't think she's ready for anything she's getting herself into. I know I'm not one who should be judging, I myself have a seventeen year old daughter who's only on her first boyfriend thank goodness. But I just think that Serena needs to consider not cutting her life short and not complicating the life of the little girl in there."

It was obvious just how much Marilyn knew nothing about who she was speaking to. She never would have had the guts to say such bold things if she knew that a majority of the funding for the hospital came from the Rhodes funding association. Cece stayed silent and allowed Marilyn to continue on with expressing her feelings before she let anything be known. She was interested in just what the doctor assumed from the few meetings she'd had with her granddaughter. Serena was young and a little inexperienced in the mothering department but none the less it was already pretty proven that she was going to do a very good job with it.

"With all do respect Miss. You know nothing about my granddaughter other then the few times you see her once a week. You don't know the obstacles Serena's gotten herself through to get to this point. She'd a very compassionate and caring young women who is going to make a very good mother to her little girl."

Cece raplied back to Marilyn with a cheeky yet polite smile as she folded her hands in front of her and waited for the next round of insults the women would try and produce. In the past year Cece had learned to try and be patient and see the best in people. There really wasn't much else you could do when you spent hours a day having a poisonous liquid pumped into your body in the hope that it will kill the germs that are already trying to kill you. That's when she'd given Dan Humphrey a second thought, that's when she'd come to evaluate the true smile on Serena's face that she hadn't seen since the girl was a young child. if Daniel Humphrey was the reason for it, then Cece decided there was no question in just how much she needed him around.

"If you don't mind me asking, but, how old were you when you had your first child?"

Marilyn interjected again and it brought Cece back to the days that Lily was young. Lily had been a child quite like Serena herself, reckless to the point of self destruction. Though Lily's recklessness didn't end when her children were born, she still had many of those key elements lying around. Serena on the other hand had changed immensely, and part of that was only to the fault of Dan. She felt like she needed to be a better person to deserve him, even if they both knew that she didn't have to change a bit of herself. Dan would have loved her no matter what.

"I was twenty-seven, but times have changed since I had my daughter."

Watching Marilyn nod her head then look back down at her clip board she felt herself becoming more annoyed with the women before her.

"Well my daughter is seventeen now and I don't think she could handle a child on her own. These girls, they're kids themselves. She's probably pregnant with what? Her first boyfriend? This shouldn't be a responsibility she should have to handle at seventeen or eighteen years old."

Serena wasn't like the other girls, maybe she and Dan didn't use their judgment well enough to make the right decisions. Everything happened for a reason, and this little girl already meant to much to Serena it was plain for anyone to tell.

"You don't see Serena and the way she talks to her stomach at night. You haven't heard all of her plans or seen anything she's done for this baby. She might be young but she's going to make a wonderful mother. Being a mother myself I see your concern but I think you need to just keep your mouth shut and your comments to yourself and take care of your own daughter. You never know when things like this are going to happen."

Finally barking at the 'high and mighty doctor' Cece started to turn on her heels to enter back into the room but Marilyn's final comment stopped her.

"Well then just make her aware that if she continues this hunger strike that baby's going to be born way earlier than when she's ready to survive."

* * *

She'd lied to her grandmother. Lying was something she was becoming quite good at again. Just as she'd been a whole life time ago. What else was she to do though? She couldn't just come clean and ruin his Christmas. There was a far too much more at stake than making herself feel good by exerting the secrets she'd already held for too long. She knew she needed to devise some type of plan. She was showing now, in another two weeks there'd be no denying the fact that she had a little someone resting inside of her. For the time being she didn't want to have to think about that, she didn't want to dwell on when or if she should come clean about all of her secrets and lies. The time being her main focal point of concentration was to be spent on her little girl. On nourishing herself enough for Marilyn to notice and decide that Serena wasn't just viewing this as a game or a punishment. She needed to show everyone that she wasn't shallow and she did have the ability to take care of someone other than herself. The fact that the baby was Dan's should have been enough, but, for some reason the pain and strain of him not being there with her every step of the way was taking a toll and she knew she had no one but herself to blame it all on.

Serena had sworn to Cece that she'd tell him, and for some reason Cece had it in her head that he'd like it as a Christmas present.. Serena choose to disagree. Yet she'd gotten out of the town car when it pulled up at the Humphrey loft anyway. She thanked her grandmother, bid her a goodbye, then disappeared to hide in the door of the building until she was sure she was no longer being watched. Soon after she snuck out of the building and headed to the one place that would always stand for her meaning of Christmas. On her walk to the other side of Brooklyn however she got distracted by the decadent window of a small tourist built store. The onsiess in the window display had been what had caught her eye first. That in turn had been the reason she had tears in her eyes as she sat in the middle of the familiar wooden floor with the small pieces of fabric in her hands. The bracelet her grandmother had purchased and had engraved for Bug was cast away from her in the robin's egg blue box at her ankle.

"This my little girl, would be the gallery. Grandpa Rufus's Gallery, the place that I bet dome day he'll hang up your silly little scribbles proud as anything of them. Just as Daddy and I will be, because Daddy and I are always proud of you, no matter what you do. Someday things will be better. See Bug, this place is special to mommy and daddy. This is the place Daddy gave mommy a very special present last year, a present that opened up the door to you being around."

As Serena looked around the place more regret filled her, regret that told her just how many mistakes she'd made of everything and how maybe she should have just been clean about everything to begin with.

"Tomorrow is Christmas my little Bug. Our first Christmas together… sort of, I can't help but think about next Christmas. You'll be about seven months old, almost old enough to actually enjoy tearing the paper off of things. I'll tell you right now, your Nana, she's going to spoil you rotten. Just like mommy is. Seems like I may have already started, your grandma Cece too, she bought you a present… a bracelet to wear when you're big enough"

Serena said as she lay on the floor with her head propped up on her coat, her hands rested atop of her little bump. Her little bump where she'd placed one of the onsies. She could almost clearly see the 'Brooklyn Sweetheart' in ragged letters on the small outfit. It made her smile, the thought of her daughter having all good morals in her life. Of Bug growing up in a way that the UES lifestyle didn't affect her, with Dan as her father there was no way Serena's little bug would ever like the UES's.

"You know baby girl, we're gonna be ok. One way or another, it's you and I sweetheart just you an…."

Hearing a door open and shut Serena stood up with a jump and grabbed her coat and onsies as she headed for the window she'd snuck in from and not looking back.

* * *

He needed to clear his head, there was just too much on his mind for him to function correctly. He didn't want to be with Amanda anymore, especially since it seemed to only distress Serena and make her back away from him more and more. He missed her more then he ever had in his life. Maybe it was because it was Christmas, or maybe it was the fact that he was in love with her. He wasn't sure which one was more dominant. There wasn't a thing that he wanted more for Christmas other then holding her and telling her how much he missed her.

"Damn it"

Dan silently swore at himself out of frustration as he finally got into the gallery and slammed the door shut. He hated the way the year was turning out, after how magical last year had been this year was just hell. In all of his frustration and hostility he sighed deeply and sat down on the floor in the middle of the gallery and put his head down on his hands. He'd tried to call her a few times, just to wish her a merry Christmas. Apparently she didn't want to hear from him. All he wanted was to hear her voice, like it'd made everything better last Christmas, it could have done the same this Christmas. Rather he was stuck with mousy Amanda who by the day was getting more and more on his nerves.

Something across the room caught his eye as he moved forward to reach for it. The robins egg shell colored box he recognized just like all of the ones in Serena's room. The expensive box was something she had thousands of. As he reached for it something told him it was hers, which also told him that maybe he was thinking of her too and maybe it was time for him to pay her a visit and beg her to show him what a Merry Christmas really was. That's when he made up his mind, stood up, and headed for the door. Daniel Humphrey was going to wish Serena Van der Woodsen a merry Christmas for the second year in a row.


	10. I don't want a lot for Christmas

Authors Note: I'm sorry it took so long! and the worst part is chapter 11 isn't even set up yet, so expect a small delay. I've had a massive pain in the butt cold that couldn't kick till today so now that it's gone i'm back to writing!! and YOB and ARTS will be up soon! and a new story (don't be dissipointed but it's not DS it's NV). if your an CB shipper go read the story Misty by Tutorgirl92 (If I can excuse her for making me read her Luke Peyton gag story then you can read that because it's perfection.) thank you Calie for going through it :-D and Lauren for letting me annoy the heck out of you. :-)

The Palace had always had a fake feel to it, especially around Christmas time. Maybe because it was especially fake for Serena at Christmas time. Everything was so plastic and formal, Dan knew Serena hated it. At least she had the year before. If he closed his eyes he could still see how happy she'd been the days leading up to Christmas as she'd arrive early to the loft just to put random ornaments she'd bought on the tree. Her childish smile, her bright laughter, everything about last Christmas made him miss her just that much more. Standing in the elevator even sent him through a vision of memories, how they'd pressed all of the buttons one time just so they could make out. She made him do things he'd never done before; things he'd probably never do again.

Finding the tiny bracelet in the gallery seemed to be a sign that he did need go see her, just like he'd wanted to. It was also a sign that she was thinking about the year previous just like he had been. Everything had been magic that night, and it remained that way every time following. Just being around one another made everything better and he missed everything being like that, he missed holding her, touching her and kissing her. At least now he had an excuse to go and see her. Bringing her the bracelet was an excuse to see her beautiful self again.

As he came closer to the doorway he noticed it was already slightly open. The plain champagne colored walls peeking out, every bit of it was familiar. Raising his hand he knocked on the door lightly, and when she didn't answer he pushed it open a little bit. She was Serena, she was likely laying on her bed listening to her iPod rather than running for the door. Everything inside was just as he remembered it; every bit of the inside of the suite was familiar to him.

"Serena?"

He called out; he could hear voices from the TV as he got closer to the room. The flat panel TV was visible even before he approached the doorway, re runs of Project Runway and the box sets of Lost spread out on the floor. He laughed to himself thinking 'typical Serena'.

"Serena, what are you…"

The image that was in front of him cut his words off completely. Dan stood shocked and unbelieving having to blink his eyes a few times. Could he have been dreaming? Maybe he'd been in an accident and hit by a car.

His eyes were glued to the lump in her middle. The bump was most definitely evident under the light pink tank top and the baggy sweatpants. His mouth was slightly agape and he wasn't sure if he was even breathing anymore as he walked closer to her, her thin body with just the slight basketball shape protruding out of her.

She didn't even have to be awake to look at him, she didn't even need to confirm it to him. The reason for her bubble was him, and he was completely sure of it. Everything in him felt completely frozen as he took in the whole image of her. He took in everything; the way her hand rested gently on top of her rounded stomach and how perfect her flawless frame looked with the little bump. Every bit of the image made him fall more and more in love with her. Then he noticed the photo that was beside her sleeping head.

Reaching out to take it carefully without waking her he brushed his finger over the shiny black paper, right away, as soon as he looked at it he could make out the image. It was the baby that was inside of Serena. Then his eyes hit the side of the paper and it confirmed what he already knew. 'Baby Humphrey, note: Hi mommy! I'm a girl!' Dan was going to be a father; he and Serena were going to have a little girl.

Putting the paper back down beside her he put his hand on her shoulder gently. He wasn't sure he should wake her, carrying around more than herself had to make her so much more tired. But for some reason Dan needed to wake her, to make it certain that she was just fine; that they were just fine.

"Serena, Serena… wake up"

Warm and gentle his voice whispered to her, he still felt like he was living in a dream. As her emerald eyes blinked open slowly he backed off a little letting her stretch her arms above her head and twist slightly, she still had yet to notice exactly what was taking place.

Her eyes were hazy and she was still in a dream like state, she could hear his voice and see him but dreams had been like that for about as long as she could remember. She blinked her eyes open and shut them a few times thinking he would just disappear when she did so and she'd be left by herself with their baby. She'd go back to telling the little bump promises she knew she couldn't keep, stories from the past, and watching Lost. But when he didn't disappear right away she began to panic and reach for her quilt, even though she knew there was no way he couldn't have already seen.

"Dan? What are you… why are you?"

She lost the fight to pull up the quilt as he already had them held down tightly under his hand, his eyes were already torn from her and resting on the baby bump again. She looked at him and her eyes filled with regret. He looked so peaceful and so content just looking at the bump in her stomach,

"I don't… I don't think I should be the one explaining here"

Never had she ever heard a more sure-of-himself tone come out of his mouth. She felt more than guilty as she moved over on the bed giving him room to sit down. She could tell as his eyes were locked so contently on her tummy that he wanted to touch it, as though he couldn't believe it was real. He sat down stiffly and she rested her hand on top of his on her sheets. Right at that moment he seemed to soften as his thumb began to rub her finger.

"I can't believe you could do this to me Serena. I mean, we fight about not telling each other things but this isn't just some thing Serena. Your pregnant… you're go-, no, we, we're going to have a little girl. I'm gonna be a father Serena, and I'm not learning about any of this till now? Do you have any idea what this feels like? Why have I come late to this story, Serena? I feel like I've missed so much already. When did you plan on telling me, anyway? Did you even plan on telling me at all? You know what? Maybe, no, no. You shouldn't answer that because I'm not too sure I want to hear your response to it. How could I have been so blind? How could you keep this from me? Damn it Serena! "

She started having flashes suddenly, flashes of being with him in the elevator as he tried to act tough and break through the ceiling. It made her tense up more then she'd already been. Serena removed her hand from where it had been with his right away and wrapped it protectively around the place her little girl occupied. This was why she hadn't wanted him to know about her. If he couldn't put his animosities away for her, how was he ever going to do it for their child? Whether he liked it or not their daughter was going to be born into the UES life, and that was what had wrenched them apart time and time again.

"She's mine too Serena, she's mine too."

His voice was weaker now and showed all of the raw emotion that he'd been trying so hard to hide. She could see then all the mistakes she'd been making, the mistakes of hiding his child from him. She couldn't look at him, her gaze shifted down to her stomach. She'd known since laying with him that day that he deserved to know, but, she'd also known that she needed to give him a life he couldn't have if he was stuck with her and a child.

"Dan I'm so Sor…"

He stopped her and put a finger to her lips, she could tell it was the last thing he wanted to hear about right now, her apologies. She decided to just shut her mouth and live in the moment. It was then that she decided to take the chance, when she reached for his wrist everything felt like it was falling into place. She only had to guide his hand, and he led them easily to rest on her stomach. Everything was silent as he stayed fully focused on her stomach and their hands, resting on something that it took both of them to create.

"I can't believe I'm not dreaming right now"

Everything felt so unreal and so dreamlike as his eyes traveled up to her face and they both met in a tearful, surprised gaze. There still weren't many words exchanged as she instead let her tears wash down her face. Rather than sitting beside her any longer he laid down and pulled her into his chest. Soon as her head hit his chest her hands gripped into his shirt and she started to sob as he rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head.

Lifting her chin with his hand he made it so that she had no other choice but to look at him with her saddened eyes as his other hand brushed away her tears with his thumbs.

"Serena, we're having a baby"

All she could do was nod her head. As his hand that had been brushing at her tears traveled a line back down to her stomach, there was no way for her to hide her smile. This was the way things should have been after she'd taken the pregnancy test, not now that she was seventeen weeks pregnant. She loved the look he had in his eyes, it was bright, calm and proud, like he'd accomplished something. The same adorkable smile he'd had on his face Christmas morning one year earlier.

* * *

They'd fallen fast asleep in Serena's bed, both sets of their hands resting comfortably over their child. The sun in the sky had gone to sleep for the night and the full moon was in position high in the sky over Christmas Eve night. It was a storybook setting, one made only for the movies, it had seemed before tonight. The day had gone from painfully upsetting to a surprise that forwent many. Neither one of them had expected to be laying where they were this Christmas Eve.

Dan was the first one to wake up in the evening, the blonde still contently sound asleep on his shoulder. He thought he'd dreamt it all up, wishing for the perfect Christmas. It was far evident when he opened up his eyes and there under his hand was the tiny bump that would in fact soon call him Daddy. 'Daddy', a word that scared him, shocked him, and at the same time made him proud. He was having a baby, a daughter, with the girl of his dreams. His father was going to kill him, but he couldn't linger on that. Right now the only thing that mattered was lying on his arm fast asleep and the precious little girl inside her that would forever unite them.

As he stared at her, he could see their future in his head. Christmas, when their little girl's face would light up in excitement at the thought of Santa Clause bringing her all the toys her little heart desired. Easter, when he'd wake up more then ready for an egg hunt around wherever they were living. Halloween, she'd insist on dressing like a princess and drag the young couple from house to house never wanting to stop. Birthdays, where she'd be excited to turn a year older but he and Serena would wonder where all the years with their baby girl had gone. Mothers' Day, when he and his little princess would get up extra early just to cook the one they loved breakfast and remind her of all the wonderful work she'd done every day. He could see it perfectly. Everything he ever wanted was in arms reach, and as he sat here and watched her sleep, he knew nothing in the world could be more perfect.

She started to move a little, and by the time he tried to soothe her back to sleep, her emerald eyes were staring into his. He could see the hope, love, care, and excitement in her eyes, but he also saw doubt and fear, and that was something he wanted to take away, he had to take away. Because more then anything he wanted to be there, he wanted to be with her and their daughter.

"So, it wasn't a dream?"

Her sleep-hazed voice asked as her eyes gazed into his. Serena had slept; she'd actually peacefully slept while his arms were around her. Completely at peace and content for the first time in months, if only her whole pregnancy could have been or would be like this then everything would be great. She wasn't about to let bad things push themselves into her mind as she watched the smile on his face brighten and felt him lace his hand with hers.

"It was about as much of a dream as this is a lie."

Dan replied as he rubbed a slow gentle circle on her stomach and sent tingles thought Serena's body. She couldn't believe that this was actually going on. That he knew they were expecting a child. After months of hiding it everything felt right and almost perfect.

"I need a shower"

She complained as she started to sit up from her position in his arms as he helped her too. She could have gotten very used to having him around as he walked her to the bathroom and kissed her forehead.

"I'm gonna get you something to eat, the two of you need to eat."

With the word 'two' his face lit up and he started to ramble as she watched him with a warm smile and shook her head, would their daughter have his rambling disorder? Would she look just like him? All the questions and thoughts were so exciting to her now as she watched him walk away and she closed the bathroom door slowly to turn and catch herself in the mirror. She ran her hand over her tank top as she smiled down at her stomach.

"Merry Christmas little bug"

* * *

As he walked around her bedroom listening to the sounds of the shower water he still felt like he was sitting in a dream; living out 'It's A Wonderful Life'. His head could not get around the fact that he and the one he loved more then anyone else were in fact having a child together. Of course there was a part of him that was still hurt with her over not finding out until she already knew the baby was a girl, but he put that aside of her and their daughter.

Sitting down on Serena's bed it all made sense to him now, the size of the tiny bracelet. Of course it was too small, it was too small because it wasn't meant for Serena's wrist. He picked up the piece of platinum jewelry and turned it over in his hand. That's when his eyes came across the inscription 'Humphrey' that was written most delicately. Brushing his finger over the cool metal he smiled to himself and lay back reaching for the sonogram photo. Dan's eyes were so glued to the image in the picture, he didn't even hear the bathroom door open or shut. When he finally looked up there she was, standing in all of her beautiful perfection wrapped in a single cream-colored towel.

His eyes were then stuck on her as if it was the first time he'd ever seen her. Only this time was much different; he wasn't only infatuated with how gorgeous she was. It was everything about her that he loved, the baby that was growing inside of her was just proof of that.

"Hi"

She whispered out of lack of a better word coming to mind. Her hands trembled as she held on lightly to the towel. The look in his eyes as he looked up at her told her that nothing else mattered in that moment other then the three of them. It hadn't actually been a mistake to tell him she just wished that she'd told him sooner.

"Hi"

Returning her greeting he stood up off of her bed and made his way directly across from her. He was so tempted to reach out and touch her wet skin, to run his hand through her damn golden hair. Every bit of his feelings for her were still in tact and always had been, in the elevator he hadn't shut them off he'd just turned them down and tried to numb himself so the aching didn't hurt him so badly anymore. Distracting himself hadn't helped; every bit of him was in love with her. Now that they were having this baby all he wanted was to be part of their lives.

Her facial expression changed suddenly from the happy slight smile on her face. There was suddenly worry and confusion written in mass array all over her features and he moved closer to her, putting his hands on her arms, suddenly worried.

"Serena, what's the matter?"

Dan panicked and Serena shook her head and started to tell him not to worry. There was in fact nothing to worry about as Serena lifted her hand from her side and slid it under her towel on her stomach. With a shocked look on her face her free hand grabbed his hand and pulled him closer without saying anything. As his hand connected with the flesh of her stomach he too felt it. The hiccup like feeling that came every once and a while. That was their little girl telling them that she knew that for once everything was right. Not even born yet and she already took after her father it seemed. Serena and Dan's eyes were locked with one another with surprised smiles on their faces.

It was the first time Serena had felt it, bug being rowdy and kicking. It was a feeling without question that she loved, that they both loved. Without words he'd suddenly lifted her up and started to carry her back to her bed as she squeaked and threw her arms around his neck. Everything was for the night where she wanted it to be.

The clock beside the bed read twelve forty five, Dan wasn't going back to the loft tonight was one thing for sure. There wasn't anyplace he'd rather be anyway. He laid her down on her bed still in her towel and pulled her sheet up around her so she wasn't cold.

"We don't need you two getting sick."

She smiled at him and didn't bother to protest any as she lay down. It was his hand on her stomach that brought the unremovable smile to her face. She could feel how carefully he was gently rubbing her stomach and by the light of the lamp she could see the look on his face. It was so full of love and surprise still, the whole bit told him just how much he already cared for their child. It was quiet for a while as they just lay there in silence, just taking it all in. It was Serena's shifting that suddenly broke the peace of the room as she pulled the towel to bunch up over her chest and pulled the sheet down right under her belly.

"How about you have a chat with your daughter? She's a pretty good listener."

His eyes that had been locked on hers finally tore away and looked down at the small bump under his hand. Almost everything was just the way he'd always hoped it would one day be, with just a few minor adjustments to it.

"Sounds like she's taking after her Aunt V already"

They both expressed a small laugh at the thought of the people that would soon inhabit their daughter's life already having an influence on her. Little did Dan know half the people who were going to permanently be in his daughter's life had known before he had himself. Adjusting himself to be more comfortable as he loomed over her stomach, he took a deep breath before beginning to speak.

"Hey Bug"

Looking up right away they met in a confused gaze that was soon erased by her eyes noticing he was looking at the necklace around her neck. The one he'd retuned a few weeks prior, he'd put two and two together between the nickname, the baby, and the day. Knowing Dan, he was coming up with a new warning label to put on Jitney bathroom doors. Her gaze softened from shock to a smile as she nodded her head and he resumed his conversation.

"It's um… well"

Hesitating on getting the words out he continued to glance every once and a while between her face and her stomach trying to get the right words. It wasn't every day that he said the word 'Daddy' addressing himself for the first time.

"It's Daddy…"

After a long conversation with his daughter, telling her the rules and about her mother all before she was born, both Dan and Serena had had salty tears coursing down their cheeks. The snow had begun to magically fall outside of the big bay window around two in the morning as Dan had finished up his talking and crawled his way back up beside Serena pulling her into his chest and falling asleep with her tightly snuggled into his arms. It had really become a merry Christmas.

* * *

_"Run baby run, don't ever look back, they'll tear us apart if you give them the chance…"_ the lyrics from Dan's cell phone that ran out shrilly held both irony and suddenly hate. Without a second thought he flung out his arm trying to hit the phone to push it onto the floor and make it stop ringing. It all didn't go according to plan as the phone fell but continued to squeak out its tune. Serena started to stir in his arms as the alarm woke her up. For the third time in a row his cell phone let out the obnoxious song and her emerald eyes blinked open.

"What was that?"

She mumbled out only half coherently as she snuggled into him tighter, her whole body pressing tightly against his for warmth.

"It was nothing, don't worry about it"

Dan's half awake voice mumbled out he kissed the top of her head and rubbed her cheek with his thumb affectionately.

"Merry Christmas Serena, and to you princess"

Slipping his hand down her side he rested it on her stomach and sent shivers down her spine as once again he made a pact in his head to boycott the next 'We The Kings' concert when they came around again. If only his damn phone would shut up.

"Since it's not 'Speed of Sound' or 'Yellow' I know it's clearly not Jenny or Rufu… what the hell am I doing?"

Jumping up suddenly with the cream colored sheet wrapped tightly around her she looked like she was ready to cry. He hated seeing that look in her eyes, because Dan knew he was the one that had put it there.

"She's calling you to wish you a merry Christmas. She's calling her boyfriend to wish him a merry Christmas because that's what good girlfriends do. You should not be here with me and you know what, I want you out Dan, you need to get out."

Her voice was pitchy and broken as she turned her back to him and headed to try and find clothes to throw on.

"Serena no, Amanda and I… we're over. I have you and our daughter to think about. You two are all that matters to me."

As quickly as he could he jumped out of bed and headed over to her grabbing her shoulder gently and

turning her to face him. He could see the shine of tears streaking down her cheeks as he did so. It made him twist in hurt.

"Dan stop it!"

Her voice raised a little as she violently pulled her shoulder forward, away from his touch. Serena's voice sounded like it was pleading with him, begging him to not make her make difficult decisions that she didn't want to make.

"Don't tell me to stop it, I want to be with you."

He grabbed her again, this time two hands round her waist and pulled her into him. He looked at her wide eyed and waited for her response, how could a day that had started so well so far going so wrong in a matter of moments.

"Well I don't want to be with you."

She couldn't look at him as she lied to him, every bit of her was shaking as she said the words and threatened to sob harder, something she knew she would do once she finally got him to leave the room. She wriggled out of his embrace, still not looking him in the eye, thinking she was doing the right thing, but deep down the cold she felt when wrenched from his body told her otherwise.

His face was bewildered and confused as he studied her body language and wished that she'd just give into him and stop pretending.

"Serena, I love you"

Grasping at straws he stood back away from her not wanting to cause her any stress, it wasn't only her that he worried about anymore, his daughter was also with them even if they couldn't exactly see her. He was a father now and he had to do what he could to protect his little girl. Even if meant dealing with Serena's mood swings.

"Well Dan, I don't love you, and, I suggest if you ever want to know this little girl you get out of here and you don't say a word of anything that happened tonight till I figure it all out."

Her words broke his heart and he felt like she'd just smashed it to pieces. But he couldn't argue with her. He picked up his cell phone as he retreated to her door half of him miserable and the other half pissed off. This was no merry Christmas.


	11. One Way To Ruin A Morning

Author's Note: Ok so this took way longer then I expect it to, and i'm so sorry. Lauren this is for you of course, and soon as you're done reading it guess what! i'm gonna both you with chapter 12 :-D just so you know. Calie, I miss you! and I hate posting it without you checking it first. so when you get back you'll have something to read. ok so now everyone enjoy and I hope you like it! please review (:

* * *

The sharp January wind blew and Serena shivered into her coat as she crossed the street to the large towering brownstone. She hadn't spoken a word to Dan other then to place the five month sonogram in his hand and lie to him that everything was alright. Now it was the morning before school and Serena was dreading it, Gossip Girl had put up a new poll about her. A who could be the father poll. Every bit of Serena was nervous and angry when she even thought about it. The only good part was the fact that Dan's section in the poll was proving to be pretty low, why she continued to look at them she wasn't actually sure. It was something to help her pass the time as she sat watching LOST re runs.

Snapping back in from the world she'd worked her thoughts into she reached up to knock on the door she knew almost as well as her own. She knew his parents were away, it was time for their annual Florence vacation. She just needed advise on how to get away from all the drama for a while. She smiled as the maid opened the door and invited her in as she knew they could. Part of her knew she could have just walked right in and it wouldn't have fazed anyone.

"NATE!"

She yelled up the stairs as she walked into the family room and took a seat over near the couches looking around at the different pieces of art and everything else that adorned the room around her.

For as long as she could remember he'd lived in the same place. Of course the paint and furniture changed when Ann and The Captain wanted it to but none the less four of them had spent every Christmas on the floor watching 'It's a wonderful Life'. Of course the Christmas that had just past a few weeks prior had been no different.

Today she sat in the Archibald family room in need of guidance. Reassurance in what she was doing. Serena knew that just seeing his face would remind her just how much it hurt when she stole a boyfriend from someone. The pain she'd caused Blair was something she hated to think of and something she had no interest in causing to Amanda regardless if she hurt not having Dan herself. Eventually Amanda would be tired of not having Dan's whole heart and she'd let him go herself. Serena just had to wait for that day to come.

She heard his heavy footsteps rushing down the stairs and when she looked up she was met with a no where near ready for school Nate Archibald who was clad only in a pair of navy blue boxers, his hair and body still wet from a shower, and a pretty proud of himself cocky smirk on his face that she knew could only mean one thing.

"Serena, sorry, wasn't expecting you this morning. My niece ok?"

Nate greeted her with a brotherly bear hug soon as he walked over to her.

"Yea, I know I was coming to see if you would walk to class with me, but, as I can see you're not planning on going in today."

She commented on his just out of the shower appearance as she caught a drip of water that slid down the side of his face from his wet hair.

"Well, mom and dad left yesterday so you know, I decided to take some time off too."

He trailed off and she threw her head back in the direction of the stairs as she opened her mouth.

"Good morning Vanessa"

Nate laughed and shook his head soon as the words left Serena's mouth only to switch his attention to the top of the stairs.

"morning"

Vanessa spoke up as she walked down the stairs in one of Nate's tee shirts still, a towel still in her hand to dry her wet hair. Serena watched in a twinge of jealousy as Nate caught Vanessa's hand and pulled her to sit on his lap. She wasn't jealous of Vanessa having Nate, but jealous of the coupley things they did. She missed Dan touching her the way Nate was running his hands along Vanessa's legs.

"I'm sorry, I'm just gonna go. I'm procrastinating going to Constance, who knows what Gossip Girl will suggest next you know"

She leaned back into the couch and slipped her hand over her stomach as she closed her eyes in thought. Gossip Girl seemed to be trying her hardest to make a mess of the things Serena was working her hardest to conceal.

"Yea, Nate got the poll text message this morning. What are you and Dan gonna do about it?"

With Nate not backing down from his touching Vanessa slid off of his lap and sat down beside him instead, why make Serena any more uncomfortable plus if he kept it up Vanessa was going to drag him back up the stairs by his 'pretty' hair.

"Apparently they all seem to think I'm the father."

Nate began to laugh out but soon stopped when he saw the classic deviant smirk in Serena's eyes. One she always when she had an idea brewing in her head. One of the things Blair had pressed upon her.

"I really, really don't want anyone to know she's Dan's."

She spoke slightly not looking up to meet either of their eyes.

"Serena! What are you thinking? He's one of my friends! And! I have a girlfriend."

He shook his head at her as he again reached for Vanessa who sat between the two looking back and forth.

"I'm not saying after she's born. I mean, just for now, while I'm pregnant. Please? I mean, I'm supposed to be around any more stress as it is."

Serena's eyes begged him as she bit her lip into a pout.

* * *

His heart felt like it was broken in his chest all over again, images of being in the hallway with them were plaguing him. How could she do that? How could she just let Nate say their baby was his. Then the glare she'd thrown him when he'd tried to interrupt, the baby was their daughter. Nate had no part in the conception or the raising of her. Dan wanted to be there, he wanted to announce to the entire school that they were expecting. Not her and Nate, the thought made him shiver, the thought of his little girl calling Nate daddy and everything else. He hadn't found anything against Nate, when it came down to it Nate had been a pretty cool guy, but pretty cool guys didn't claim other people's children.

He's slammed into the house, stomped past his father, and thrown himself on his bed in all of his hell and misery. He wanted to scream and curse at everything that came his way, take out all of the frustration and energy that had built up in his gut. The frame that was face down on his chest of draws stopped him. Reaching out his picked it up and put his hand over the protective glass, she'd slipped it in his pocket and told him to replace it from the four month one. Her five month sonogram was healthy and normal, she'd promised him she'd been taking care of herself and their daughter the last time she'd talked to him. She told him that the sonogram proved it.

It didn't matter, he was frustrated and angry. If she hadn't threatened him he would have blown everything she'd worked so hard to fake. All he wanted was to claim his daughter and Serena as his, but apparently it was to much to ask to make them happy.

A knock on the door shattered his thoughts as his head snapped up and he dropped the fame onto his bed. He could have cared less who it was, or if they saw the frame. He was going to be a father and he didn't feel like denying it, hell, he wanted to tell Serena that she needed to drop her games.

"Dan?"

Rufus's voice questioned before he opened the door and peaked his head into his son's room. The cowboy sheets and Cedric made him slightly roll his eyes and shake his head. His eighteen year old son was never going to grow up.

"You stormed in the house, is something wrong?"

Glaring at his father wasn't something he'd meant to do, it just sort of came out. He was to bothered and flustered to remember that his father knew nothing that was going on.

"Yea dad, everything just peachy"

Voice dripping with sarcasm as he looked down again at the photo frame in his hands, his finger rubbed over the word 'Daddy' Serena had messily put on it with glue and sparkles.

"Did you and Amanda have a fight?"

Rufus walked closer to the bed paying no mind to his son's sudden out bursts. He was all to familiar with it all lately. The only time he'd been happy was when he got in late on Christmas night, even then he'd been a little bit distant and pulled back.

"Fighting with Amanda would have been a HELL of a lot easer then this. If fact I would almost welcome that. Then maybe she could stop with her dumb ideas."

Rufus was completely confused as he raised his eyebrow at his son and sat down on the messy blanket covered bed as Dan pressed the sonogram and frame into the sheets out of Rufus's view.

"It's Serena Dad, she's lost her mind"

Putting a hand on his son's shoulder he sighed, he too knew what it was like to let go of a Van der Woodsen, one of the hardest jobs in life. There were days that Rufus knew he still wasn't over Lily.

"Dan, it's been four months. How do you think Amanda would feel if she knew you were home in your room moping about Serena? She seems like a nice enough girl. You really should give her an honest chance. If I hadn't tried to forget about Lily I never would have met your mother."

Much as Dan knew that Rufus was trying to help it didn't help any. Especially when one had nothing to do with the other, yet everything to do with one another at the same time, and it all stemmed from Serena.

"This isn't the same as that Dad… so not the same"

He was cross and angry and he didn't mean to bark out anything he was saying. Neither father nor son had noticed Jenny standing in the doorway, Jenny who had lately taken to being very partial to defending Serena in everything she did. Jenny who didn't know her brother knew anything about his expectancies. She wasn't sure why she felt angry at her brother, but she did. Her resentment toured him was growing with every word that came out of his mouth. As everyone crowded around Serena during the day to lay a hand on her stomach or to complement her on how pregnancy made her even more beautiful Jenny wanted to be able to say, 'yep, she's gonna take after her auntie' but with how messed up both Dan and Serena had made their relationship Jenny couldn't do that. She observed her father's and brother's emotions, how Dan was pulling away.

"This is all you're fault Dan"

She voiced out and both Dan and Rufus's heads turned to look at the blonde in the doorway. Rufus looked confused but Dan just as suddenly knew she also knew his secret.

"My fault? How is it my fault when I begged her to let me be there and she refuses?"

Dan fired back and Rufus simply looked between his children completely lost in their argument and conversations.

"Yes your fault! She's your daughter too damn it!"

Soon as the words left her mouth she clamped her hand over her mouth like she'd told him something he didn't already know. It was then when the expression on his face didn't change that she knew that he already knew.

"And Serena told me if I try to claim her then she won't let me be her father. I've tried Jenny. Think I don't feel it when Nate's hands are all over her stomach? That baby she's carrying in mine not his."

Rufus's eyes suddenly grew as big as tennis balls as he looked at his son, he couldn't believe the words he was hearing out of his mouth. Serena… pregnant... baby… daughter… his son was going to be a father? He was going to be a grandfather? What was everything coming down to?

"Daniel Humphrey"

Dan was grateful for his father's lack of middle naming as Dan looked at Jenny and shook his head.

""Thanks Jen"

He mumbled out sarcastically looking up to glare at his sister before switching to look at his father. He could see the question and disappointment written all over his face. It felt like they were going back in time with it all, back to the past January… exactly a year ago when it really came down to it.

"I thought you were with Amanda?"

Eyes were narrowed at Dan until Jenny's cough broke the silence, looking up for a second Rufus shooed her away. With a little hesitation she finally left the room and Dan lay back against his head board and took the photo frame from beside him and laid it on his chest, closing his eyes for a moment.

"I am dad, Serena's five months along and she won't let me leave Amanda. She's losing her mind dad, and I'm afraid I'm going to lose my daughter because of it."

It was then in that moment that Rufus put aside his fatherly lectures and saw the worry and pain trapped inside of his son's brown eyes. Rather then seeing his little boy he saw a father that was afraid of losing his own daughter. As much as it scared him he could relate to his son's feelings, the nerves and apprehensions of becoming a father.

"Five pounds and six ounces, she was born six weeks early. She was the tiniest thing I'd ever held. Your mother and I never expected it. They kept her in the hospital for an extra week because she was yellow. Those moments were the worst moments of my life, when they had to put extra oxygen on her just to make sure she was breathing. You're sister was born early all because I was talking to Lily again. Your mother, she thought I was going to leave her. Before we knew it we were in the delivery room and she was in labor. All from working herself up in fear, as hard and impossible as it sounds you have to let Serena take the lead for now. She's the only one that can protect your… I can't believe I'm saying this. She's the only one that can protect your daughter right now."

* * *

"I can't believe you agreed to this damn arrangement."

Dan snapped out at Vanessa who was standing at the sink with her hands in dirty dish water. He knew he'd over stepped and struck a cord as she slammed another dish into the soapy water with a frustrated sigh. It was the first sentence he'd spoken to her in two weeks. Since he'd found out she knew about the baby long before he did and hadn't bothered to tell him he wasn't very happy with her. She'd tried to explain to him that Serena had begged her not to but he still didn't care.

"Me?"

She whispered in a violent almost sounding voice.

"You think… like I would so agree to my boyfriend posing as the father of someone else's child. Don't be such a blind asshole Dan."

Vanessa instantly barked back at him and he jumped at the broken tone in her voice.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

He studied her just waiting for her to turn around and face him, something she didn't bother to do.

"It means Dan, that what they decide to do doesn't involve me. It's all Serena's choice, everyone always listens to Serena's choice."

Vanessa's voice held a bit of hostility which she'd been more then entitled to. Her day plans of lounging around the rooms in the Archibald brownstone had been remotely cut short when Serena had everything but begged him on her hands and knees to go to the school with her, even when he'd been the one to call her into work without her knowing. As she dropped the dish back into the soapy water she finally turned around and Dan could see the pain and annoyance in her hazel eyes. Her annoyance to Nate leaving her, and the annoyance to the case of her best friend acting like an immature child.

"V, I'm sorry"

Dan said instantly as he stood up from his chair and took a few quick steps in her direction only for her to put her hands up so that he wouldn't come any closer.

"No, your right. You have every right to be mad at me because as usual everything is always my fault Dan, no matter what it is."

After her outburst in the kitchen she'd stubbornly marched right past her best friend with her arms crossed over her chest as she headed into his room and threw herself onto his bed face first in his pillows. She listened intently for his foot steps and sure enough only a few moments later he too shuffled in not as quickly. Out of habit Vanessa rolled over onto her side just as always happened Dan on his side suddenly beside her also.

"how did we ever get wrapped up in this mess?"

Dan wondered aloud as he played with the end of his quilt and avoided raising his gaze to look up at Vanessa. Had it been a year ago he would have known her every thought, so much had changed since the simple days.

"That's an easy one."

Her voice sounded more simple then he'd expected to hear.

"We fell in love and we had no control over it."

As she finished her sentence Dan finally looked up at her and their eyes met. They both knew it was true. The UES crowd had sucked them in with no escape.

"I guess I have to admit your right about that one."

When he spoke Vanessa stuck her tongue out in mimic of him.

"and Dan…"

She paused finding it hard to believe the sentence was coming out of her mouth while they were still eighteen. Of course she knew it was true, but none the less they still had no much of their lives left to live. They'd just started to live.

"You're gonna be a good father. Serena and the baby are lucky to have you."

It was then with the encouragement of his best friend that he actually started to believe even if it was only a little bit that she was right. Maybe he would be ok at the whole daddy thing, as long as Serena would give him a chance to be.

"Thanks V, and you know that Nate loves you."

Vanessa nodded her head as she kicked her legs over the side of the bed her mind made up and her hostilities calmed down. Feeling better then she had she knew where she wanted to head next.

"Vanessa wait"

Dan said as he put his hand up for her to slow down. Vanessa impatiently turned to him, her scarf and gloves already on. She'd already been away from the Archibald Brownstone for long enough, with her cell phone being off all day also she was pretty sure she'd tortured the boy for long enough.

"What?"

She paused for only a second to turn to him as she checked on her cell phone and let the vibration of the million text messages build up, just as strong as her want to be laying in his arms nice and warm under the duvet.

"Be careful"

With Dan's words he earned himself an eye roll and a light smack on his leg she didn't even bother with a smart-assed comment as she simply turned and walked out of the room letting Dan wallow in his thoughts.


	12. The things that wern't expected

Author's note: Wow it's been far to long, and this is a sucky filler chapter. the next chapter is intense and much much better and it will be out tomorrow night. that's one thing I know for sure. review!

* * *

Out of school for a few hours Nate walked around the small Williamsburg apartment kitchen like he lived there. His tie was off, thrown on the couch somewhere in the other room, his button up shirt was completely undone and the white tee shirt was un tucked out of his khaki pants. After a long day of school with Gossip Girl tagging his every move as Serena's baby daddy he couldn't have been more relieved to be in his hideaway with all the freedom he wanted to kiss Vanessa whenever he felt like it. With Gossip Girl minions watching his every move most of the time he hardly had the room to send a simple 'I love you' text without being afraid it would be the next headline. Why he'd agreed to go along with the charade he still didn't understand.

"Where's your sister?"

The question was whispered as he placed a kiss to the hollow behind her ear before trailing the same sweet kisses down her neck as his arms wrapped around her waist. Vanessa's hand gripped the plastic spoon tighter as she stirred the boiling water and noodles on the stove relentlessly, determined not to let him get to her just yet. They'd planed a clam dinner in the apartment, there was less of a chance of being caught together.

"Maryland, the band had a gig this weekend. So they went for the… um… week."

Concentrating on cooking was becoming increasingly more difficult as Nate slid his hands under her shirt and rested them on her bare side. He was trying to get to her as they stood alone in the kitchen of the apartment. For once there wasn't a cell phone attached to either of their ears, Serena and Dan had seemed to become more and more reliant as the days went on. But tonight was about them and no one else, the outside world would be exactly that and nothing more.

"And I'm gonna take a guess and say that this is your cell phone."

His left hand slid from her side down the front of her jeans and rested on the lump in her front pocket of her jeans, the cell phone that was on silent just in case of emergency's with Serena and Dan, or to ring out the newest GG gossip that never failed to piss off. Usually their cell phones seemed to stand as a means of annoyance.

"mhm, that guess would be right"

Responding casually she added the seasoning to the pan. The next thing she knew he was trying to slip his hand into her pocket. She slapped his hand away. As if his hand would have fit in her jeans to begin with.

"What are you doing Nate?"

More content on not letting the soup burn she handed him her phone and turned back to the counter top as she picked up the ladle and started to put the soup into bowls. Finally they had time alone and Nate wasn't about to risk any of that being taken away as he took the battery out of her phone and placed it on top of the fridge with his own.

"I'm making it so that tonight is all about us, just like we planned on it being. I think the outside world can suffer without us for the night."

He kissed the top of her head as he took the bowls off of the counter to carry them to the living room. As he walked out of the room she grabbed the skittles, licorice, and the popcorn. It was movie night, something they always did every Tuesday night. Or in Nate's case, an excuse to steal as many kisses as was possible, and try to get Vanessa to forget they'd been watching a movie in the first place.

"I already put the movie in"

Vanessa called ahead of her as she got to the doorway, then her eyes landed upon him, laying on the floor under her Whinny the Pooh blanket, couch pushed back to the wall, and soup bowls out in front of him, waiting for her. That's the say they'd spent every Tuesday night that they could, with movies and food, just as normal and plain as anything..

Getting down on the floor she crawled over and cuddled up next to Nate on her stomach so that she could eat her soup and watch the movie as he pressed the play button and put one arm around her.

* * *

He'd been so tense all day and Amanda wasn't really all that sure why, all she knew was that it was her job to make him better. She's suggestively dragged him back to the loft where he'd placed first hesitant kisses, then heated and more aggressive ones from her lips to her neck. She'd already pulled her shirt off and let him touch places no other guy had before himself. He hated himself for kissing her, for touching her, for leading her on. Little could Amanda tell he was taking his aggressions out on her. He wasn't even thinking anymore. All he could see was Nate kissing Serena in the hallway, kissing Serena and kneeling down to her stomach and saying 'hey angel, it's daddy' he wasn't daddy. It made Dan so heated and so calloused he couldn't feel anything. He didn't want to feel anything, all he wanted to do was find something to take it all away even just for a little while.

"Dan, I want… I want to do this, please"

She'd tried before and Dan had denied her all of those times, but this time was different. With a slight nod of the head he pulled her up. She was suddenly afraid and he could tell. Unlike he and Serena they'd talked about it. He knew she'd never done it before and she knew he'd been with Serena, it wasn't that hard to figure anyway. The legend of the two being found in a janitor's closet in March of the past year still lived on in the halls every day. But it didn't make her respect him any less. He was sweet with her even if at times he was a little hostel and held back. She understood, or she pretended like she did. Dan was her first boyfriend, and for Amanda she felt like she was in love with him. The in love with him that meant in her mind that he was the one she would spend her life with.

This was his chance to subside his pain, to push it all away for even a few moments. Yet as he looked into her deep brown eyes his soft side caved in, even if he wasn't in love with her didn't make him feel like her first time she could any less special, he wasn't Chuck. Even if his coming actions would feel more Chuck like then something he'd do himself. Amanda had been so patient with him for all of the moods and anger she'd stood through always as the patient one who was there to listen and try to make it all better. Making it better was something that she couldn't do, he had only learned how to mask it and pretend nothing was wrong when really his heart was figuratively barely beating in his chest.

"Just give me five minuets ok? This place needs to be cleaned up."

Giving her a rushed smile that he tried to make sincere he led her to his bedroom door and led her out. Once she was out of the room he leaned against the door and took a deep breath, what was he doing… he should have just said no again. He couldn't back out this time, she was waiting for him, she wanted him no questions asked. He needed to put his own thoughts and wants to the side and give Amanda what she wanted. He hadn't been fear to her as it was, it was time to attempt at being a boyfriend, that's what Serena had asked him to do wasn't it?

He didn't bother to toss the football sheets, how ever he did turn Cedric around and fish out some candles. Reaching the lighter out to light the candles he bit his lip and paused, all he could remember was lighting the candles and cuddling the night they'd almost done it, how even that was like a cigarette burn in his memory. If anyone asked when exactly he knew he was in love with her that was the moment. As he lit the candles and the memory of that faded out all he could see was her and Nate in the hallway. Pretending to be a happy family and it made him angry, tossing in some CD Jenny had left in his room rather then going all out.

The candles were lit, the blinds were shut yet the setting sun still peaked through as Dan twisted the door knob only to be met by Amanda's ready and waiting lips. He didn't even care anymore as Amanda started to unbutton his shirt and he backed her up to his bed trying to erase the pain that was in his heart. The kisses that connected their lips were needy and desperate as he moved further down her neck and the vision of blonde hair and pail skin filled his vision.

Every time he touched her he concentrated as hard as he could till the vision was as close to his reality as he could make it. Serena was there with him as long as his eyes were shut, the moment on the beach, in the Jitney bathroom, Christmas, everything was right there in front of his eyes. The visions of the things he wanted, craved, and needed. Not a moment of his thoughts belonged to Amanda, and for that he felt like an ass. In the moments and hour to follow he didn't allow his mind to drift to his faults, he couldn't allow them to. If he did he wouldn't have been able to get past the sick bastard he was acting as.

Spinning her cell phone around on the leather seat of the Chuck Bass's limo she glanced up at him with a glare. It had been the most awkward hour and a half of her life, birthing class with Chuck as her coach, if one thing was for certain it was that he was the last person on earth that she wanted in the labor room with her. Fact was if she was stuck with him she'd most likely attempt to kill him with some sharp object that was stored around the hospital room. No one had picked up their cell phones when she'd called to remind them of the class. Nate and Vanessa's phones went straight to voicemail. Two that were spending alone time she so often invaded, Blair was in France with her father and Roman for the weekend, and Dan… Dan's phone rang and rang with no response.

"What's the matter sis, boyfriends still not picking up the phone to you?"

Serena rolled her eyes soon as the words left his mouth as she held the phone up to her ear again attempting to dial Dan's number. When he still didn't pick up she threw the phone at the other side of the limo in frustration.

"


	13. One wrong move

Author's Note: for someone who ususally has something to say - I've got nothing

leave me your reviews (:

i'm going back to work on something or other NV lol

-Manda

* * *

The brisk walk in the cool March weather normally would have taken twenty minuets for Serena rather then forty but as she strolled through snow piles in her Uggs it took forty and it wasn't just due to the snow piles. The blearing pain made her vision cross and her back ache every twenty minuets. It had started out in the beginning a simple pulling feeling every three hours, but that was twenty four hours ago. Now they were coming faster and rougher, for some reason Serena still thought if she paid no attention to them they'd stop. Twenty-six weeks wasn't exactly forty, there was no way Serena could actually be in labor. She just needed to try and relax and the pain would simply go away. She was sure of it. That was one thing they'd mentioned at her first birthing class she'd attended yesterday, Braxton hicks could come at any time.

Leaning against the entrance of the botanical garden in back of the school building her non existent nails dug into her palm, apparently it'd been twenty minuets since her last pain and here was another one to push her even more. If she'd been as un nerved about it as she wanted to be she would have called someone to take her home for the day so she could rest. But being stubborn Serena she pretended it didn't hurt so bad and she wasn't about to inconvenience anyone. After five minuets of rough rigged breathing she straightened herself up a little bit more and leaned her head against the cool cement wall.

"It was everything I thought it would be Lee, he was so gentle and so sweet. Even if I was scared he went easy and apologized through the whole thing."

Serena knew Amanda's voice as soon as she began to speak, it was the subject matter of the conversation Serena's mind instantly hoped she was wrong about. But as Amanda pressed on in conversation she knew that she wasn't.

"His dad and sister were at the art gallery or something? I didn't even know his dad had an art gallery, he doesn't really seem like the artsy type. I was so glad Jenny wasn't around. I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me. But that's beside the point. I mean, he lit candles in his room and he put on soft music… everything was so perfect. I think I really honestly love him L, I can't imagine anything without him anymore."

The words killed Serena and all she wanted to do was sit down and hug her knees, had she been able to she might have. As she heard Amanda's voice coming closer she did her best to hide the tears that were in the corners of her eyes. If she already needed to fake about most things one more wouldn't hurt her. Maybe Amanda wouldn't even see her, not that she was hard to miss lately.

"Serena!"

Hearing her name come out of Amanda's mouth she winced instantly as she slowly turned back around to face the ecstatic looking brunette that rushed forward and threw her arms around her. Had she been any less of a person she would have started a scene right there, but she was on orders to avoid stress.

"Manda, hey"

Her voice was low and on the quiet side as she put on her best fake 'everything's alright' smile and lightly hugged the girl back trying to hide her distain.

"S, I know I shouldn't bring this up but I have to thank you. For letting Dan go when you did. Really, I'm in love with him, and who knows, if you'd held onto him a little longer that little one would be his. Then I know I'd never have a chance with him. I don't know what I'd do without him."

Amanda mused on to her and Serena just nodded her head, she had more important things to think about and worry about. She couldn't think about killing Dan, it just wasn't the right time for that.

As the bell for first class rang Serena couldn't have been more thrilled, Amanda pulled away from her instantly.

"I'll see you at lunch!"

She announced and gave Serena a final hug before backing off and heading down the hall. It was only once she was out of sight that Serena let her eyes fill up and the tears to make their way down her cheeks. Stepping back against the locker she rested her head against it exhaling and crying.

"Serena?"

Eyes didn't even have to open for her to see him, she saw him whenever she shut her eyes. He was always there, but normally she wanted to see him. But not now, her mind was to full and at the moment she hated him to much.

"Serena, what's the matter? Are you in pain? Is it the baby? Did something happen?"

He panicked, her tears made him panic, the thought of something being wrong made him feel sick. His first priority was first and for most Serena and the baby. Wither she disagreed or not Dan had his priorities straight.

"Don't talk to me"

Barking out she closed tightly her eyes as another sudden pain came at her, it was closer then twenty minuets now. Searing and hard it only made her try to disguise it by being more vile and angry then she'd been with him. If being cruel would make them go away then so be it she'd do so.

"Serena, I'm sick of playing this game!"

Obviously blind to everything that Serena was feeling and going through he put his hands on her shoulders only for her to jerk away from him.

"I don't even want you touching me."

She spat out, all she could see with him so close to her were images of him with Amanda. He'd even made it special with candles like he'd done the time they'd tried. She felt betrayed in a way, even if she was the one that had told him to back off.

"Why are you acting like this?"

He asked as the whole time he could see the pain and distraught in her eyes. This wasn't his Serena, it wasn't the Serena he was used to.

"You made love to her last night?"

She bit out trying her best to mask the height of her contraction, by that point she knew there was something not right with her pains. But being so mad at Dan she wasn't about to let him know. She didn't think he deserved to know a damn of it.

"What? Serena I… I… wouldn't put it in those words. We had sex, just sex… there was nothing more to it."

He stuttered out nervously, how she already knew he didn't know but the idea of her knowing made him scared. He hadn't meant to sleep with Amanda, he'd just been so angry and she was there trying to seduce him one thing had just lead to another.

"Just sex? There is no 'just sex' Dan. Sex is what leads to this and you, You're CLEARLY not exactly one to remember the condom!"

Furious and angry her voice was sullen and hard as she just barely yelled at him. Teachers shut their class room doors to block out the scene in the hallway, Serena Van der Woodsen had never been this hostile or cross with anyone.

"Last time I checked there had been two people in our choice to forget the condom. Besides, it wasn't 'just sex' this baby, our baby… this is because I love you. I don't understand why you can't get that."

He was closer to her again, close enough for him to be able to rest his hands on top of the still on the small side bump. Something the doctors had warned her about already, how she wasn't getting enough sleep, she was letting her anxiety get the best of her, and she wasn't eating right, how the baby was in danger because of her constant apprehensions.

"You made her love you… Dan…I…"

With a sharp intake of breath she suddenly latched onto his arm holding on tightly as she doubled over and he grabbed onto her tightly. He felt like on that instant his heart fell into his stomach, never in his eighteen years of life had he ever been more afraid. He wasn't afraid because he had a baby on the way, it was more of the fact that it was a good possibility that there could be something wrong with the baby instead. He wasn't stupid, he'd been reading the pregnancy books in his free time. They were in the bin beside his bead, he was smart enough to know that at six months there was a big chance that something could go terribly wrong if she was in this much pain.

"Serena, come on, I need you to talk to me. How long have you been in pain like this?"

All of her weight was now on him as he held onto her tightly. His subconscious was telling him he was the reason for it, he was the reason she was breathing hard and in pain. He was the reason their baby was in danger.

"It… It started yesterday."

She said as she squeezed herself to him tighter, she was in so much pain. Every inch of her felt like it was throbbing and her mind was panicking.

"Yesterday? And you didn't call me? You didn't say anything to anyone?"

He was freaking out, his mind was numb and afraid as he picked her up off of her feet. Even if she protested he was taking her to the hospital, they were too precious to him to lose.

"Please, please tell me that's the only sign of labor that you have."

As he held her and carried her into the cool march air he tried his best to keep her warm. Her silence was all he needed to know that it was far worse then simple Braxton hicks

"I've been bleeding a little, but it wasn't anything until this morning really."

She confessed finally as with his free hand he frantically waved a cab down. It had stated in most of the baby books that she owned that a little bit of bleeding could be completely normal. Besides she was nearly seven months pregnant and a high school student, a few complications were to be expected.

Dan wasn't sure if he was even breathing anymore as her panicked face looked into his. The petrified, terrified, worried feelings were completely evident in both of their faces. She was in so much pain and he was so scared, he wanted to take it all away, to make it all better. This should never have been going on already. It was to soon, way to soon. She didn't even look like she was pregnant enough, as she lie on the hospital bed she looked even more fragile and lost, none of this was going right. Every animosity he'd felt from the day before about her, Nate, and the baby were suddenly gone from his mind as bigger things sat on his conscience.

The school button up he'd put on fresh first thing in the morning was drenched in sweat, amniotic fluid, and blood from holding her in the cab. Amniotic fluid and blood, two things barely seven months pregnant Serena should not have been dealing with. Everything was happening so fast, to fast for anything to have been normal. He felt himself to blame more then ever from the things that had induced her this early. How she'd heard Amanda taking about what they did the night previous was something he hated himself for. He hated himself for sleeping with Amanda, it made him feel no better then Chuck. Taking the virginity of a girl he didn't even have feelings for. But none of that mattered now, not even the early acceptance letter to Dartmouth that now lay in the middle of the hallway without a second thought. She was his first priority, they were more important above everything.

Doctors and nurses were running all around the hospital room, neither Dan nor Serena could make out any of the words that were coming out of their mouths. All Dan could think about was the look of pain etched across her face every time a new contraction stormed through her body. It had been far to late to stop the labor by the time he'd gotten to her, to late for any of the drugs or bed rest, their little girl was coming now without any prior warning.

"Dan"

Her labored warn out breathing choked out as she moved their already tightly laced and tangled hands to her mouth and bit on her own knuckle clenching her eyes shut again in more pain. She'd never experienced anything quite as bad as what she was going through now. The fear of something that was supposed to be so magical ending in tragedy was etched into her mind so hard that she couldn't think of much else. She knew he was silently going through the same things also.

"Shh baby, it's ok. Save your energy."

Trying best to sooth her he kept brushing her sweat stuck strands of hair off of her forehead and kissing the spot. Every once and a while he'd squeeze her hand in reassurance, but he wasn't quite sure who he was trying to reassure, himself or her that everything was going to be alright.

"I'm so scared"

Broken and thin her voice sent chills up his spine as he kissed her head again. The true real words he wanted to say were 'so am I' that would only put more fear into her. Fear that they wouldn't be holding their daughter in a few hours, fear that she wouldn't be big enough to even breath yet.

"Ok Serena, next contraction I need you to give me a big push ok?"

Dan and Serena's eyes locked in panic as she tried to draw strength from him that just was not there. For them both there'd never been less motivation and energy when they were together. Rather this time there was nothing but nerves and panic. As the contraction hit her suddenly she squeezed his hand instantly as her eyes watered and he gripped her hand then with both of his.

"It's ok, it's all gonna be ok Serena. She's tough like you."

With the contraction over with and the pushing done for the round she collapsed back against the bed in pain. She had just started birthing classes the day previous, with Chuck none the less. She didn't even know exactly how she was supposed to be breathing or anything.

"That was great Serena just one more big… wait no, Marie, the cord is stuck."

After not being able to understand a word of what the doctor had been saying before they heard her last statement and Dan's eyes that had been locked on Serena's only seemed to look more frightened as he reached to her face and brushed the tears away.

"Come on Serena, don't worry. Don't do this, it's ok. She's gonna be fine."

She nodded her head best she could do through the tears. The commotion soon cleared away again and the doctor looked back at Serena as though to say back to business. With one last contraction she pushed again, putting all of her strength into it and squeezing Dan's hand.

"It's a girl!"

The doctor announced as she held up the little muted body, light pink uniforms rushed forward taking the baby to the corner right away, with that Dan felt Serena let go of his hand and push him away from her toured where they'd taken the preemie. There was still no sound coming from the baby's body, the only sounds that were being heard were the doctors and nurses code words as they held up different instruments.

Dan's whole body felt frozen and stuck as he watched on petrified. Her body was so tiny and little as everyone around her seemed like total giants. After fifteen minuets or so of watching completely sill and scared they moved the baby into the incubator they'd rolled in and wheeled her out of the room in gentle haste.

When he finally turned back they were finishing up attending to Serena's needs as she lie silent with tears dripping down her face.


	14. Watching Through a Window

Author's Note: I'm pretty sure Calie wrote most of this part so i'm taking no credit for it. It was wrtten a while ago so i'm not really sure. enjoy! sorry it's been so long.

Her hands were shaking more so then they ever had before as she was lead over to the recliner she'd sat in plenty of times in the past seven weeks. The whole transition from touching Sariah little hand to actually cradling her innocent little bundle in her arms made her both eager and terrified to do so. Lily had offered to come with her, but she'd denied. She loved her mother but it just didn't feel right. Blair had suggested and yet again Serena had said no. the only person she wanted to be there was the figure she could make out on the other side of the glass window. She knew he was there and he would be there waiting and watching the whole time through.

Everyday he came and watched in the window, everyday for hours. All of the worry and pain were written on his face and she knew he cared. She just had trouble trusting him, and breaking him at the same time. He had so much more in front of him then what she could offer him, he deserved so much more then her. He'd made it pretty clear to her that she wasn't right when he'd hurt her so badly on his first 'date' with Amanda. They couldn't communicate with one another properly, now he'd sealed the deal with Amanda more then a month ago how was she supposed to react to that? Was she not supposed to protect her daughter from being hurt by him.

Serena shook her head clear of the thoughts and tried to block the fact that part of her wanted him in there with her out of her mind. The only thing that was important currently was the bundle Marilyn was getting ready to bring to her. She couldn't focus on the shadow in the window any longer, he just couldn't be on her top priority right now.

"Well mommy, I think there's someone who would like to meet you. For more reasons then one. Don't let her sweet little face fool you. She has something up her sleeve. This little one always does, she's been the noise maker down here since we took her off the vent."

Marilyn was coming closer now, the pink tiny ball in her arms. Serena's eyes were locked on the soft fabric that enclosed the most precious gift Dan had ever given her. She couldn't tear herself away from the sight as Marilyn slipped the bundle into her arms. She could only blink in shock and amazement. Seven months of confusion, hurt, tears, and on top of it all love had created the little being that was now in her arms. Her two pound body was lighter then a pumpkin that Lily picked up every Halloween. Serena hadn't thought it even possible for anything inside of her to function being so small in the beginning but now that she held the tiny baby in her arms she saw just what had gone into it. How even without being big enough to talk she had Dan's stubbornness that stubbornness had guided her to not give up and to keep fighting for her life. She had Serena's own determination, the determination to stay alive everyday. She was a fighter to say the least.

The new mother's eyes memorized every inch of the baby in her arms, she already had a defined Humphrey nose. It's adorkable crookedness that she loved on Dan was now possessed by their daughter. His high cheekbones were also evident and clear, that was one of the only good things Blair had ever pulled out of Dan. The thought made Serena silently laugh to herself. Sariah's eyes were the shape of her own, the almond shape that saw depths without trying. Her tiny mouth was also Dan's, her full bottom lip that would curl into the perfect pout whenever she wanted her way.

Serena could tell already that there wasn't a second that she would ever not be wrapped around the little girl's tiny fingers. She'd loved the idea of the child when she'd laid in his arms up on the roof what seemed like a life time ago. Now that said baby was real and in her arms there wasn't anything she'd have changed about it, except maybe that she'd waited the full nine months, and that he was there taking in the moment with her.

"You're perfect"

Her first comment to her daughter as she tried to unscramble all the words she wanted to say. Dan was the one that was good with words, not her. She could only imagine some of the things he'd be saying to their child.

Making the mistake of looking up her eyes locked and got lost in his as she unbuttoned her polo and un clipped her bra from the front, all with their child nestled in the crook of her arm snuggly. Marilyn had given her instructions but she was still unsure of herself and she pulled her strength from his gaze at her face. His eyes tried to falter and he tried to turn away when she was exposed but her sudden glare into him told him he'd better not move. As always even without words their communication was there as he stayed in place innocently watching.

Looking down at their daughter and then up at him a few times she told him with her own eyes to look down at their creation as well. Which after a few moments of being consumed by her beauty he did so only to get lost in the awe struck image of their child's head turned in to her mother and Serena's bowed head gazing down in an awestruck manner.

She adjusted herself slightly, and placed her right hand on the back of the infant's tiny head, guiding her mouth to her nipple. Serena had heard it all; she'd been warned of the difficulty mothers usually endure on the first feeding of their child. Apparently it wasn't easy, and often it took much effort to make the child begin feeding.

Though that was not the case with Serena. Whether it was the instruction from Marilyn, the inherent motherly instincts of Serena, the intelligence of her baby, or the encouragement and presence, albeit distant, of that baby's father, Sariah's ease in locating her mother's nipple and sourcing milk from it was magical. And that caused the two tears now sliding down her flushed cheeks to reach smiling lips.

It felt like years since Serena had smiled, but right now, but for the window separating her and the love of her life and the fact that after the feeding Sariah would no doubt be subject to tubes and machinery, Serena was living the ideal she had dreamed of for months. As she felt her breast being wetted by the warm saliva and tugged at by the toothless gums of her own child; the warm fuzzy feeling inside her took over the moment. That feeling then increased tenfold as she once again raised her head to look through the glass and see the motionless figure standing there.

He didn't care if she could see the tears that were now streaming down his defined cheekbones. His stomach turned in excitement and passion as he watched her feed their baby girl. The way her dainty fingers rested on the child's head, her teeth bit over on her plump lower lip, her chest rose and fell, and a few bits of hair fell loose from the knot she'd tied her hair in at the back. It was the image he'd dreamed of since the renowned 10-08-05; a dream that became more vivid the night of the Kiss On The Lips party, and then felt like reality from the day he walked in to find her laying in the tight-fitting tank top sonogram by her side.

Watching his Serena take part in without a doubt the most womanly act she could carry out after birth itself, sent shivers down his spine; shivers of the sort that he had never ever felt before. But the shivers made him angry, angry that he was on the wrong side of the glass. After a while, after savoring the picture in his mind forever, he could no longer bare to watch. He had a choice; through the wooden door or out through the sliding ones.

She couldn't tell if he was crying or not, but assumed he was. She felt horrible for keeping him out there and not letting him get a closer view of this activity that was causing her so much joy and pain at the same time. When she felt drained and little Sariah pulled away, she looked up at Marilyn to ask for approval for her next acts. Receiving just a warm smile and simple nod, Serena passed her baby to the kind woman in order to unclasp the other side of her bra, without even bothering to reconnect the left side. Not until her Bug was once again suckling and sending waves of bliss through her body, did Serena look back up for Dan's gaze.

The sight of the empty hall, with just a nurse walking by with a trolley, caused her heart to beat faster and the tears to multiply. He had left? Left her just as he had left her at the Bass's brunch, just as he'd left her in the gown at Blair's penthouse, and just as he'd left her at her mother's wedding.

The next few minutes were a wave of emotion which she couldn't even recall an hour later. Her crying became so vocal and powerful her body was shaking, stirring Sariah from her feeding. Marilyn put her hand on her trembling shoulder in an effort to calm her, but it was no use. It was not long before Sariah was too screaming and unable to focus on the task at hand. Mother and daughter were unceremoniously separated by a stranger nurse, as Marilyn concentrated on bringing the mess of a young woman back to reality, a difficult task to say the least. Her limbs flailing and her voice wailing, Serena longed for not Marilyn's but Dan's arms to put her to rest. With him there, she could have continued to feed their baby, with him there she would not be an emotional wreck.

His state, while not as extreme, was doubtless along the same lines, as he stormed out of the hospital entrance, bowing his head and lacing his quivering clammy hand on the said of his head to try and mask his own tears. Dan had been called a lot of things in his life; but weak wasn't usually one of them. He cursed as he waited impatiently for a taxi to come and take him back to the loft where he would continue to bawl at the image instilled in his mind.


	15. I'm sorry

I hate to admit any of this but, the reason there will be so many more updates right now is because all of this is whatever is on my jump drive. I have no plans to continue with this story, I'm sorry and I feel guilty for it. I won't go there though. I hope you enjoy the updates :) I'm so sorry that they don't have an order or anything. Since my computer crashed and I lost everything I've had no umph to put into writing, though I think I'm slowly getting that back. Off to watch Desperately seeking serena and see what I can do! I'm sorry to everyone who's read it all along. You guys are wonderful, and I very much enjoy reading all of your reviews, I hope you continue to read my stuff :) and I hope you like the add ons here.

* * *

Dreams were always a comfortable place, a place where he had both of his girls with him and no one was about to take them away from him. In his dreams he got to hold his twelve week old when ever he wanted to. She was healthy and happy and so was Serena. To bad that wasn't how it was when he opened his eyes. That's why at seven thirty on June twenty first Dan was still asleep comfortably in his bed in his perfect dream land. He was until the loud chattering of the cheesy Nsync song Serena programmed as his ring tone so many months ago now went off on the table beside his head. He hadn't been expecting it, it had been a month since he'd seen the baby. Every day he worried about her. What if something was wrong and that's why she was calling him. He was hesitating, he felt his heart start to speed up as he reached for his cell phone more quickly now.

"Serena? What's the matter?"

Still half asleep his voice panicked through the haze, as he brushed his hand across his eyes tying to get rid of the sleep. But the tone he got back on the phone confused him a little but.

"Do you know what today is?"

She quizzed him and he was at least relieved that there was nothing wrong with their little girl. On the other hand he had no idea what she was talking about. There wasn't anything specific that had gone on in June.

"Not a clue, is something going on with the baby?"

He yawned as he asked but she was still able to make it out anyway, yet rather then responding to his question she hung up on him leaving him to look at the phone in confusion. Was he supposed to know what the date was. Even if it was a short he still loved hearing her voice, he'd be able to smile for the day just from hearing her voice.

Deciding to dismiss it he yawned and rolled over to try and catch an hour or so more of sleep. It was summer and that was what summer was meant for, catching up on the hours of sleep he didn't get before he graduated. The door opening forced him to complain briefly before turning to the door to face what he thought was either his father or sister. Instead the first thing he saw was her face, a perfect bright smile across it.

Only three months since delivering their daughter she was already in her favorite denim skirt. His eyes came across it and recognized it as soon as his eyes viewed up her body. But his smile turned from a smile to a little bit of shock as his eyes came to the satin blanket in her arms. He rubbed his eyes again but she didn't disappear, they didn't disappear.

"Happy first father's day Daddy"

Serena whispered as she pulled the corner of Sariah's blanket back from her face. Her innocent little sleeping face was comfortably asleep in her mother's arms. He sat up now, completely awake and alert.

"How did you… when was she…"

Serena's light laughter was something he'd longed to hear for so long and now here she was in the loft. She walked forward and placed Sariah's tiny body on the bed next to him as she too sat down on the side of his bed.

"Four pounds, fourteen ounces, eating every three hours, they had no reason to keep her any longer. Plus, where's a better place to be on father's day then with her daddy?"


	16. next

The bubble gum pink color of the carrier sling Serena had Sariah tucked into tightly hiding her whole little body from the outside world was turning a darker shade then it had been to begin with as the cool fast rain drops clattered down from the sky like the tears Serena had shed over first letting Dan go. Every time the explosions from the thunder and cracks of lightning accompanied the rain her twelve pound four month old squirmed and let out an even worse shriek. Twelve o'clock at night and Sari had been screaming for over an hour, but for Serena she felt like it'd been days without end. Serena couldn't take it anymore, she couldn't take the sound that she couldn't do anything to help. She wouldn't nurse, she refused to take the pacifier, she didn't need a diaper change, Serena didn't know what else she could possibly do. Without reason and without thinking she'd picked up the Chanel diaper bag, put Sari in her sling and rushed out into the storm to find a cab. That's how she'd gotten to Brooklyn to stand outside of the building of the Humphrey loft and look up debating her next move.

"Come on bug, please stop"

Serena's tired warn out voice nearly begged as she rocked the baby back and forth and stood back looking up at the building. Why she was there she wasn't sure, she'd gotten in the cab and did the talking without thinking. Serena was exhausted, she couldn't remember the last time she'd actually slept, the actual answer to that had been since the day she took the pregnancy test, that was the end of sleeping. Rather then actually complying with the young mother's wishes Sariah let out another blood curdling scream making Serena winced and walked an inch closer to the building and put her hand out to press the buzzer. She would have pushed it in if a sudden cluttering down the stairs and the swing and crash of the door slamming behind said person didn't make her drop and turn to face them. That's when Emerald eyes met warn chocolate brown.

"Dan"

Her voice didn't mask her exhaustion as they stood just looking at each other while their daughter screamed between them.

"Serena, what are you do…"

Cut off in sentence and in thought he was taken back as Serena rushed into him throwing her arms around his neck and clinging as close to his body as she could with their child between them. He couldn't decide where to look, at the mother of his child, or the baby that was completely shaded by the fabric of the sling.

"Come on, I'm not letting the two of you catch a cold. It's not safe weather to be outside in."

Dan whispered in her ear as she was that close to him and she allowed him to pull her into another brief hug, one hand on the top of her back and one on the small of her back as Sari was cuddled close between the both of them. She'd only stopped crying for that slight moment until Dan pulled away and led them into the building's safety. Serena hadn't even noticed his hand locked in hers tightly as though if he loosened his grip she'd leave. Rufus and Jenny must have already been asleep because the loft was dark and quiet all but the sound of Sari's whimpering.

"I can't… I can't get her to stop crying"

Serena said as she struggled to get the still small infant out of where she lay. That's when Dan's eyes fell upon the child he hadn't seen up close since she was sixteen weeks old. The photos Gossip Girl had snagged and posted hadn't served any justice to the little princess. Her eyes were clenched shut as she screamed but her fair blonde hair was curled and tangled with sweat. Her little fingers were curled into fists as Dan's eyes so tightly held gaze on how innocent and delicate both Serena and his daughter looked as Serena held tightly to her and rocked back and forth trying to comfort her.

"Do you want to… take her?"

Asking cautiously Serena held out the infant to him, when she looked at his eyes she suddenly saw the warn image in them turn light and brighter. Serena's heart was racing as she held his gaze for only a moment as he quickly took her up on her offer and slipped Sariah out of her arms.

It only took a moment for the little tears and cries to completely stop as Serena watched Dan walk back and forth with his daughter snuggly cuddled in his arms. She felt like she could finally breath like she hadn't in weeks. With her eyes still glued to them she laid down on the Humphrey couch where she could hear him quietly talking to their daughter.

"What did I tell you about giving your mommy trouble precious?"

Dan's strong and warm voice asked so full of hope and comfort as he looked down at his daughter. She'd doubled in size from the first and last time he'd held her, her three pound body had now gotten to around seven pounds. She was still tiny but she looked and felt so much more real now. With her nestled in his right arm his left hand traced the side of her face as he leaned forward just enough to kiss her forehead. That was when her tiny eyes popped open, the tiny coffee brown eyes with emerald and gold flecks. They'd changed completely from the dark blue they'd possessed but that had been a given that they would, he just never expected the shade of them to be the perfect combination like they were.

"It's ok Sari, Daddy's here now, Daddy's got you."

Dan started to murmur as Sariah's little hand suddenly reached for his finger and gripped it tightly. Everything about it made him smile, he couldn't help it. Both of his girls were suddenly with him, there was no better place for him. Looking back at Serena he could see the tears that were so suddenly slipping down her face as she watched the two of them.

"Do you have any idea how long I've waited for this bug? That's what mommy calls you isn't it? Well then I think that should say don't you? You're mommy and daddy's little bug. Yes you are, and your Daddy's perfect miracle also. Want to know why? Because you give daddy a reason to always see mommy. I thank you very much for that. I love seeing yours and your mommy's beautiful faces, because I love the both of you so much. Yes I do."

Tracing his steps back to the couch with the still completely mesmerized baby in his arms he took a seat on the couch beside Serena. Everything was completely silent as she leaned closer to him and put her head on his shoulder and looked at their little girl, Serena's hand making its way to pull back the light pink blanket Sariah had been wrapped in. Dan had to look away right after she did so just to keep his composure held tight, the Bonpoint onesie held in perfect cursive the words Daddy's Princess. There was no doubt in the fact that the statement was very true.

Feeling how soaked Serena's clothes were as she leaned against him, how wet she was from the rain was soaking to his shirt. He could also see how tired and drained she looked. Dan leaned down close to her ear and whispered to her.

"Serena, go take a bubble bath. Clear your head, Sariah and I are fine. You seem like you need to relax and unwind. You know where everything is, just go make your self comfortable. Do it for her and I ok?"

Serena's eyes lingered their baby for a moment before lifting her head off of his shoulder and nodded her head. She got up slowly not looking at them, he could tell there were tears still tracking down her face as she stood there. Then when she trued and actually looked at them he could see the tears, accompanied with the first real smile he'd seen in ages. Dan held Sariah up then in the position he could hold her little hand and make pretend she was waving to her mommy.


	17. another

Dan hadn't slept; rather he'd been too excited, content and enthralled to shut his eyes. Lying on his left side, hand under his head, right hand gently resting on Serena hip while Sariah's eyes were peacefully closed right between them. In a way Dan was afraid to shut his eyes, afraid that when he re opened them it would have all just been a dream. It all being taken away quite so fast he wasn't sure was something that he could take. Both of his girls were so close to him, so peaceful and resting so calmly as he watched on. He still couldn't grasp his head around the fact that the little angel lying between them had come from both of them, a mixed, not exactly on purpose, mixture of both of them. Every bit of her was perfect, and as she grew he could see it more and more.

He had just begun shutting his eyes to consider getting a few hours of sleep when the soft gentle feeling of moving instantaneously made his eyes blink open and turn their attention to the innocence lying between him and Serena. Her little eyes were blinking them selves wide open now and her tiny hands were balled into fists as her legs began to kick. Yet as her eyes met her father's she seemed more clam and collected, not as ready to cry as she had before. Dan seemed to have a pacifier affect on his daughter, had Serena been awake she would have noticed it was something she really needed around all the time.

"Hey beautiful"

Dan whispered as he slid his hand off of Serena's waist and connected with his daughter's hand. As she had before her fingers wrapped around his finger and she attempted to pull his finger to her mouth.

"Someone hungry princess? I think we need to wake your mommy up for..."

His words and thoughts were cut off by one of Serena's eyes peaking open and half glaring at him. She wasn't exactly the waking up person if he remembered correctly. The nights that she'd snuck into the loft on the day's of school the past year, he'd had a hell of a time waking her up to leave in the mornings. But completely unlike the old Serena he watched her features soften into a slight smile as her eyes fell upon him and Sariah.

"Mommy knows her baby doesn't she"

Serena's smile was reflected on his own face as he looked back and forth from Serena to Sari a few times before Serena sat up. He helped her to move the pillows and prop herself up better.

Waking up beside him and their daughter was everything she wanted, and as she did so she refused to let her mind wonder to any of the bad. Not that there was even a thought in her mind, she was to focused on Dan's sleep matted hair, his perfect coffee eyes, and his blissed out smile. Everything about him felt like home.

"Nope, I can feel it"

In a sleepy voice she responded as she picked up the baby and Dan helped her settle Sari in her lap as she unbuttoned a few of the buttons on the shirt she'd stolen from Dan's draw after her shower. She didn't think anything of it as she got Sari settled until Dan pulled away and began to stand up from the bed. That's when the contentment she'd felt started to waver and she began to panic.

"Where are you…"

Dan holding his hands up cut her off as her emerald eyes looked at him with a mixture of pain, confusion, and worry. The last thing Serena wanted was for the moment to be broken. So far it had been the best night Serena had had in months.

"I didn't think you wanted me here… to, you know… I mean"

She felt herself actually slightly giggle in her four year old way as his cheeks flushed a light shade of pink and he tripped over his words. He was her sweet, adorkable Dan, just as he had been from the day in Barney's with Jenny. Only now they'd come so far since then. They'd come so far since exchanging a few words at a birthday party.

"Dan it's not like it's anything you haven't seen before. I mean, we did get her somehow didn't we?"

Her light teasing made him smile and relax a little bit more as he began to get back into the bed only to pause for a moment when he saw it, saw the way the moon's eerie bright light flowed in from the crack in the blinds and illuminated the messy blonde strands that fell in her face, her perfect green eyes looking at him full of hope and need. She was every bit as beautiful to him as the first time he laid eyes on her. The first time they'd held hands, he'd taken a chance, the first time they'd kissed he'd offered her his heart. The night they innocently laid in bed almost completely naked he'd given her all of him to do what she pleased. Christmas when they'd made love she'd put the seal on it, and when he'd told her he loved her he meant every word and he still did mean every word. She was his perfect everything.

Still cautiously he slipped back into the bed beside her, entranced in the moonlight that shown her beauty. She smiled at him as she watched him look at her; it reminded her of the night she'd known for sure that he wasn't like the rest of them. He wasn't going to hurt her as they had, he was her forever.

Feeling overwhelmed by it all she hesitantly tore her eyes from his and looked down at their daughter as she felt him do the same. His eyes were glued to their little girl now, as he watched her little jaw move and the way her tiny hands rested on Serena's soft skin. He was in admiration for Serena and the relationship that was already greatly established with their child he couldn't help but feel a little left out and jealous. That was until he felt Serena move her body closer to his and carefully inch into his lap.

He felt so good to have her sitting right in the middle of his lap,


	18. last

The fan in the window was just cool enough to keep Jenny's room cool all night long, it wouldn't have been cool enough for Jenny to be comfortable but it was just perfect for the five month old princess as Serena laid her down in the eyelet lace cradle. Midnight hour was quickly approaching and after a feeding Sariah had fallen into a deep sleep in her arms as Dan watched on with the amazed face he'd had the first night she'd spent with Sari in the loft. She still loved the feel of his eyes on her as she fed Sari, it was admiration and beauty that was displayed in the chocolate brown, and just the thing that made her feel even better then she did.

He was standing close to her, his arm brushing with her own every once and a while as she leaned over the bassinette and placed a loving kiss to their daughter's temple. Her perfect brown eyes were shut peacefully and her little fist had found its way to her perfect lips so she could suck her thumb. She always slept like that, from the time Serena stopped feeding her or took her paccy out of her mouth her thumb was always blocking her from screaming. She looked like a little angel, her little blonde curls matched so perfectly on the little white sheets and against white Bonpoint onsie Serena had changed her into to sleep for the night, a nice cool outfit.

"Good night baby girl"

Serena whispered and backed up for Dan to have some room. Her eyes stayed close on him as he bent over her and kissed her little cheek before pulling the pink satin blanket up on her. There he went again, always worrying that she would catch a cold. Serena couldn't get over how quickly and how well he'd snapped right into 'Daddy mode', how perfect a father he was with their child already. Serena herself had never gotten the warm loving father bit, the only things she could really remember from her father being around was hiding under a desk as he used Lily as a punching bag.

"Mommy and Daddy love you"

He finished off as he backed up and took a mental photo of his five month old daughter who could easily have passed for a two month old with how tiny she was. Yet every bit of her eight pound four ounce body was perfection. Serena watched him as he watched his daughter, she could tell his mind was already worried about leaving her and going to Dartmouth, worried that he'd miss too much, that she wouldn't know him when he came home to visit, everything Serena knew she wouldn't let happen.

Trying to yawn quietly she pressed a hand over her mouth, she knew all to well that she only had four hours now to catch some sleep. Sari like Dan wasn't a big fan of sleeping. Her noisy sounds had caused Dan to break from the captivation Sari had had over him.

"Come on; let's get you to sleep too"

Dan smiled as he turned to her and squeezed her hand gently. She nodded her head right away reaching out to make sure the monitor was turned up on high before following him out of Jenny's room and into his own. Jenny spending the night at Hazel's with Penny and Elise had been a surprise, and Rufus 'Pulling and all nighter at the gallery' they both knew wasn't the exact truth.

"Here, you take the bed and I'll sleep on the floor"

Offering to do the polite thing even though he wanted her to stop him and to pull him into bed with her and hold her all night she caught him off guard when she tightened her grip on his arm and backed up to his bed.

"I can't believe you're leaving tomorrow"

Her voice was more quiet and thin now as he looked at her and studied her sad emerald eyes, she looked upset and broken and he hated it. He didn't want to leave, but in order to attend Dartmouth and make her happy he didn't have much of a choice. Sure they weren't in a relationship but he'd tried to make it nothing but clear to her that it was her that he loved her and only her. There wasn't anyone else that he wanted. Serena and Sariah were a sealed deal to him, his family.

"You know that I'll be home whenever I can be."

He said raising his hand to cup her cheek, the soft skin under his hand made him smile. Even if it was a bitter sweet smile this time it was none the less a smile. He felt her slip his arms around his waist and move herself close to him. It caught him completely off guard when she raised her head and kissed him. It wasn't a simple kiss either as he felt her tongue was suddenly on his lips begging entrance and he would have been the last person to deny it.

Even more surprise over came him as she forcefully pushed her body to his leaning them both back on his bed. His hands were on her perfect skin under the cotton of her tank top, the skin he hadn't touched in this way in months. Her soft bronzed sides give him all the magic they had before. Everything about her made him weak and all he wanted to do was hold on and not let go.

He froze when she pulled away from the kiss, he didn't want it to end and he didn't want to stop. He'd missed being with her and it was the first time they'd actually kissed since the day he'd asked her if she was pregnant with Jenns's child. Things he still regretted, but it was all no more then a memory. They had a beautiful baby that was a piece of the both of them right in the next room. For the moment the only place Dan wanted to be was right where he was. They were laying on the bed now, his hands so delicately and contently on her sides. His eyes were stuck on her as she sat up, straddling his mid section. She was every bit of beautiful that she'd been the first time he'd laid eyes on her, just as every time he looked at her. Every bit of perfection and grace she left traces of where ever she went. As he zoned back into where he was she was suddenly pulling her shirt over her head. Dan was completely transfixed in her, the way the moonlight shown in from the sun roof above his bed and hit her in all of the right spots.

The shimmer powder she always put on in the mornings made her sparkle, the light beads of sweat were appearing on her shoulders from the heat since she'd insisted the air conditioner was to loud to hear Sariah. She didn't even faulter under his touch as he slipped his hand up her side, just grazing the top of her cleavage as he went up to rest on her neck, pulling her closer to him for another kiss which she wantingly granted. Her hands were then suddenly attacking the buttons on his shirt as fast as she could get them undone. There was a certain desperation of need and want laced with passion and hope in both her touch and her kiss. They needed each other just as much as they always had, but he still felt complied to stop her and ask as he broke the kiss and held her back from him.

"Serena… um, are you… um, sure about this?"

He knew she was before she even nodded her head, it was all in the way she was looking at him. Not pushing right away to resume their activities he just looked at her, taking in all of her beauty in a single glance. She bit her lip for a moment as she reached behind her and removed the clip that had had held her hair up in the simple twist so Sari didn't pull it. The color gold cascaded her shoulders and surrounded her like an angel's halo.

"I've only ever been more sure about two things in my life, our first time on Christmas eve and looking at our daughter for the very first time and knowing that she was perfect because she was from both you and I."

Hearing her words was like chancing his composure as everything he knew and wanted was right in front of him. He reached his hand from the side of her neck to simply run through her hair, every inch of her he wanted to touch and make sure he wasn't dreaming. She smiled her seductive smile at him as she leaned down and began to place slow kisses on a trail from his jaw line down his neck. Light teasing kisses in all of the right spots that drove him wild, she'd always known just exactly how to get him going had just looking at her body not been enough.

"You're tormenting me Serena"

He managed to mutter out as both of his hands slid from where they'd been to slowly push down her short shorts, he was suddenly thankful for the summer time. It meant less articles of clothing he had to get through. She obliged to his pulls right away as she pushed the shorts and the La Perla panties from her legs and let them drop off of the bed to the floor. His bed in the loft had been her second home, they used it so many times for the same activity she couldn't even count. It was something she loved doing, and not in the sex sense, in the showing him just how much she loved him side of it. His hands were station on her hips as she sat up again, his stomach feeling the warmth from between her legs as she straddled him. She could tell he was becoming more and more impatient with her every move. That was the way she liked it, torturing him. She reached her hands behind her undoing the clasp of her bra and giving him something to occupy his time with as she finally got his boxers off.

Finally when his too were discarded off and to the floor she knew for a fact that she still had the same effect on him she'd always had. Unlike times previous she took the time to open the draw beside his bed and extract what so many times they'd forgotten. One miracle alone was enough for the time being, they both knew that. It took no time for things to resume to how they'd been once upon a time. The puzzle piece fits, controlled breathing, and syncopated thrusts all brought the things they both already knew, the other way to spell forever was Dan and Serena. Everything was just as it had always been and just as it was meant to be, the whole thing felt so good and so waited for, just like it had been that Christmas. He knew her body like no one else had ever. All fights, squabbles, incidents, and mistakes were in the past for the night, not to be brought up or thought of. Nothing was more important then one another, with the acceptation of the baby sound asleep in the next room.

When their highs finally ended she was cuddled so tightly and close in his arms she knew it was because he was afraid she would run and that was the furthest from her mind. She closed her eyes and concentrated on his labored breathing and his fingers gently dragging through her mused hair. She loved the feel of being safely and protectively in his arms.

"I love you Serena"

The words meant so much more to her then they could ever express, and knowing that he meant every letter of them with his whole heart she found it in herself to completely trust him. With all the mistakes they'd made there were so many things they'd done perfectly right also.

"I love you too Dan"

She said quietly as he leaned his head down enough to kiss the top of hers. She marveled in the moment of just being able to peacefully lay in his arms with no interruptions or thoughts about anything at all.


End file.
